From A Girl’s Perspective

19 Jan

The other night, I was talking to my best friend Cassidy. We usually have about 50% mindless banter, and 50% meaningful conversation. We had kicked off the conversation with the same old how are ya yadda yadda and then we got into a topic that we probably get into way too much: “Why are we single?”

Yep, you’ve caught us. Sterotypical twenty-something females. Sue us. It’s not like we’re dramatically crying into one anothers arms chugging wine and pounding pints of Ben & Jerry’s (though we’ve been there before too) questioning this, but a geniune wonder for why? We’re about as normal as they come. Educated, sarcastic, and I mean we’re not hideous (never sure whether we’re supposed to be bold and say were  beautiful or coy and say we’re just alright, thanks society). We live in cities crawling with eligible dudes. So what’s wrong with us? What’s wrong with them?

Hookup culture is something that has become so prevalent in today’s society. And I freaking hate it. It’s the dumbest thing in the world, like for one night and one night only you can have the man of your dreams in exchange for your dignity and then the next day he’s gone without a trace. Which at first, isn’t exactly a bad thing, because why would you want to see a douche like that again? But after a while, and the same pattern repeating itself, the whole thing loses its allure. It shouldn’t have any allure to begin with. Why has this become okay? Who decided this was the norm? Let’s change that.

So through our conversation, Cass and I came up with a list of 100 things (yes, really, 100 things) about relationships that trump any hookup you will ever have. (Mom, stop reading).

  1. Sex gets better when its consistent and with the same person and you are COMFORTABLE with them.
  2. No more worrying about being judged for what you may or may not be into. (This extends outside the bedroom folks).
  3. You can also just eat pizza in bed at 2 AM and be just as perfectly happy.
  4. Consequently to that, you have someone to look forward to waking up late with and making breakfast for. Not being afraid to roll over and see someone that you’re unsure how you feel about.
  5. Or if you run out of eggs, going to breakfast in your sweats together is totally acceptable, and in some cases, encouraged.
  6. Mundane things like trips to Target instantly get more fun with another person there to throw the bouncy balls at.
  7. I’ll buy you things because I want to. Could be a new tie, could be your favorite candy bar.
  8. I’ll do nice things for you because I want to. Could be surprising you with a night out, could be surprising you with a case of your favorite beer and a back rub.
  9. I’ll make an effort to learn how to play whatever damn video game seems to be popular at the time. And if I suck, I’m sorry.
  10. If you like the same sports team, great! If not, there is nothing wrong with a little healthy competition.
  11. No judgements, just support.
  12. But, I will not hesitate to give you a dose of reality when you need it.
  13. Going to sport events with a girl who actually knows her sports is infinitely more fun. Bonus points for being able to enjoy a beer.
  14. Moms love me. So don’t even worry if your ex was a psycho.
  15. I could drink a bottle of wine with that lady, or go to church with her on a Sunday.
  16. Dads also love me. You got very lucky here.
  17. And hell, you and I can drink a bottle of wine together instead.
  18. I also like puppies and I know where guys stand with that (any guy worth being with at least).
  19. PLEASE go hang out with your guy friends. Yes, I’m serious. No, it’s not a test.
  20. Valentines suddenly becomes waaaaaay less of a joke. Admit it, it’s kinda fun in the corny way.
  21. Annnnnnnnd it’s also my half birthday.
  22. But don’t worry about doubling up. Don’t worry about doing anything at all actually.
  23. Always having someone down to adventure with, whether its kayaking or bridge jumping in the summer, or snowboarding and enjoying the hot tub at a ski lodge in the winter.
  24. Naps are also kind of fun.
  25. Combining friend groups = killer football tailgates.
  26. Actually parties for every sport.
  27. I like the cold and the warm soooooo I could probably go wherever you wanted to.
  28. I have zero problem cleaning the house and making dinner nightly.
  29. But please bring home the wine (compromise is key here, babe).
  30. I like red meat and pasta but you can also expect some serious veggies  or interesting salads.
  31. It doesn’t always have to be a grand gesture for me.
  32. But if you choose to do something big, I won’t complain.
  33. Plan on me decorating the shit out of wherever you live, since guys for whatever reason don’t decorate and girls for whatever reason thrive on it.
  34. I’m down to up my golf game but sometimes I might just come for the beer on the back 9.
  35. Actually please try to help me get better at golf. I’ll be thankful as hell.
  36. But I promise, no lame matching outfits.
  37. Beach bummin it is way more fun when you have someone to share cooler duty with.
  38. Not necessarily me though, guys weekend is cool too. But know when you come back, I’m here with a big ole bottle of champagne, and a few other things.
  39. WELCOME TO THE GOOD LIIIIIIIIFE.
  40. I have friends too so enjoy not being text bombed while you’re gone.
  41. Your space is yours and I can respect that.
  42. But I need a big chunk of the closet. I’m sorry. (Again, compromise).
  43. Suddenly going to all our friends weddings doesn’t become a daunting task searching for a date.
  44. And I sure won’t stop you from taking advantage of the open bar because I’ll be doing it too.
  45. Any clear liquor will do.
  46. Actually I’m fine with anything. If it’s for free, it’s for me.
  47. Netflix n chill without having to send the awkward texts.
  48. Back rubs are given (but I may hope youll play with my hair in return).
  49. I don’t turn into a lap dog when we’re on the couch. I actually thing it’s adorable when you lay on mine.
  50. Big and fuzzy blanket is a must for that setup. Preferrably with a comedy in the background on a Sunday with crappy weather.
  51. If you have a passport I will harass you to use the hell out of it. Too young to stay stationary.
  52. Or we could also try that new taco place downtown. That’s still kinda far?
  53. It’ll give us way cooler things to reminisce on than sitting at home wondering how we got so lame.
  54. Plus, that’s developing something to be proud of. Creating some meaningful memories is truly a blessing.
  55. I’m not petty and I choose my battles wisely, but they will happen. And it’s okay.
  56. But if I’m in the wrong, I can admit it, and my apologies are usually the Fourth of July because I know my sass can be a bit much sometimes.
  57. Wake up? Snug.
  58. Pass out? Snug.
  59. We can play hooky together (I’m not 5 I swear).
  60. But if you actually are sick, I know a really good soup recipe and I will make it for you by the gallon until you start to feel normal.
  61. Need some alone time? I’ll be on the porch if ya need me.
  62. If your guy friends girlfriends suck, just know you got #blessed.
  63. I mean, I think my parents are pretty awesome..
  64. I will do my best to stay in your parents good graces but for the love of God make sure they don’t call me a “damn yankee”. This is your only warning.
  65. If I cross a line with your parents, or even anyone you care for, tell me. Chances are, I didn’t realize it, as everyone communicates differently, and I will make it better. I want the people that you hold close to love me, maybe even more than they love you.
  66. But I’ll never try to steal your thunder. These are YOUR people to make proud, and you’ve done that thus far.
  67. You don’t have to love my sisters, but I’m pretty sure you will anyway.
  68. If you see my sisters and I exchanging sass, it’s totally normal I promise.
  69. Lol.
  70. I’m clearly good with the dirty jokes. Won’t bother me.
  71. I don’t get bored easily, and I am also not boring.
  72. I have flaws and recognized them a while ago, so know that they are a work in progress if you notice them too.
  73. I’m good with cuddling but like…. when you want to sleep, roll me over. I don’t want to be responsible for giving you a dead arm.
  74. But when you wake up, please roll me on back.
  75. I will try so damn hard to make whatever you want in the kitchen. This is what I get for loving to cook.
  76. If I mess it up, I promise I will be the one to pick up the takeout.
  77. But that’s with anything. I always try my best, but know how to recover if that doesn’t work out.
  78. I’ll try to look cute when I sleep.
  79. But it won’t happen so please just love me for me, even when me is quietly snoring at 4 AM.
  80. Also when I’m/we’re coming home at all hours of the night after painting the town red. Chances are, my makeup has long fell off my face, and my hair should have been in a bun hours before this.
  81. If you want a cat? Let’s get one. Want a puppy? Holy hell yes please.
  82. I’m really good at naming pets but I could probably let you help.
  83. I’ll show you my horrible yearbook photos if you show me yours.
  84. I’m proud of my senior superlative (Most likely to be on reality TV).
  85. I cant wait to see the eye roll that ensues when your mom pulls out your baby pictures. I’m sure they aren’t that bad.
  86. Trust me I had my rough years too.
  87. I am the queen of compromise.
  88. I will love your family dog. Even if he is annoyed by my excitement to see him.
  89. You don’t have to be up my butt 24/7 being cute and showing me affection, but I need it enough to know I matter. Truthfully I’m more worried about keeping you happy than my own happiness.
  90. So please don’t take advantage of it.
  91. COMPROMISE! Lets be super goofballs and then super serious ten minutes later.
  92. I will probably cry sometimes and it probably won’t always be your fault but don’t look at me like I’m crazy because then it will be your fault. But I’ll feel bad about exposing you to that.
  93. I’m all about talking through problems rather than playing the petty game.
  94. And if I make the same mistake again, I’m sorry. Third times the charm?
  95. I’ll visit you at work but not so much that your coworkers worry.
  96. You can visit me at mine too if ya want.
  97. Up for whatever.
  98. Wanna climb to the top of a mountain? Ok. Wanna climb to the other side of the hammock? Also ok.
  99. I’m honest, and maybe to a fault. But I’m an awful liar and I’ll never try to bullshit you.
  100. Even if you steal the blankets more than I do, or forget to put the toilet seat down, or finish the ranch and don’t tell me, I still think you’re the greatest guy on earth, just for putting up with me.

NOW TELLLLLLLLL ME.

Who doesn’t want that? Or some version of that?

After listing all of that, what could possibly make the awkward morning after a hookup yields sound more appealing?

I don’t think that these sort of “benefits” ever cross peoples mind. We’re a generation focused on immediate gratification; we’re impatient. And that has killlllllllled peoples idea of functioning relationships. Guys think girls are amazing if they make them easy mac. Consequently, girls think guys are great if they have a 3 day snap streak with them. Isn’t all of this worth the extra wait?

Well, for me, it is.

okkk

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Get Real

2 Nov

I realized I was off to a bad start when I forgot to say “rabbit rabbit” when I woke up this morning. Rather than the first words out of my mouth being a superstitious thing taught to me by a high school english teacher in hopes of ensuring a good month ahead, I said “oh shit”.

I guess it really is true that you don’t realize you need to change things until you hit rock bottom. Now I’m not a drug addict or anything, but I really just need to get my act together. The funny thing is, is that I actually have the majority of my life together. I have a good head on my shoulders, a job offer for when I graduate in six weeks, I have a clean criminal record, like everything should be totally fine.

Stress causes people to do some crazy stuff let me tell ya. The overwhelming feelings that have consumed me during this final semester of college are unreal. Most of it is actually just me putting more pressure on myself. Nothing is more annoying than people telling me that they just want me to do what will make me happy. That’s easier said than done, because most of the time I’m not happy until everyone else is. Of course there are times that I have no problem focusing on what would be best for me, but I just like to put others before myself. It’s been a blessing and a curse, and right now it is so detrimental to my emotional well-being. Trying to schedule job interviews (which would give me a better future) around my current classes (which will allow me to graduate in december) as well as my current job obligations (which allow my bills to be paid now) is absolute insanity. But, I didn’t want to disappoint anyone. I wanted my professors to marvel at my business plans, my employer to be wowed by my sales numbers, and prospective employers to praise all that was on my resume. It’s just not possible. It’s not. To distract myself from being so stressed, I found outlets. I would take naps and avoid all my responsibilities. I would line up 3 dates in a night to keep myself out of the house. I would go out to the bars promising that I wouldn’t be staying out late because I had stuff to do, but last call came and I realized I fudged on my “promise”.

So many people tell you, going into college, that you will graduate and the world will be your oyster. They’re all liars. Maybe 20 or so years ago when the economy was decent, it was possible to have that dream job seconds after being handed your diploma. Now, it’s not only competitive, but the market is significantly smaller. I know so many people who went to class-A universities, and struggled for almost a YEAR to find a job. Admissions counselors don’t tell you that. They make it seem that the very expensive piece of paper you earn in those four years will guarantee you exactly what you want. Seriously, not likely. I have probably applied to over 100 positions, gotten offers, gotten rejections, and I’m still nervous for what the future holds. It has been absolutely back breaking work to get there, but it can be done. However, don’t ride your piece of paper for more than it’s worth. People try to tell me now that there’s nothing wrong with staying at the bank for amother half a year or more, and take that time to focus more on jobs. I know that I would have that option, but it is not something that I’m okay with. Not only can I not survive on a teller’s salary when I’ll be financially independent, but I have goals that far exceed what I would be doing as a teller. I know if I don’t get out and get what I want now, I’ll get sucked in. So I’m not going to let myself. I felt a lot of pressure from the people around me, and they’d all say they knew how stressful it must be to have all these people in my ear telling me what I should do. Well… yeah, and you all are one of them. It’s so hard because I know how much they want to help me, and support me, but you can’t tell someone that they aren’t doing any of that when it is so clear that they are doing all they can.

Aside from the job hunt, it is also exhausting planning for a big change like that. Having to relocate, find an apartment in a good neighborhood with the massive closets that I so badly need, finding someone to sublease my apartment that would fit well with my current roommate…. the list goes on and on. It’s like going to college all over again, except instead of asking about the parties that happen in the area, I’m asking about crime rates. Instead of asking an employer if they’re open new years day, I’m asking if they match 401K’s. It’s weird, having to slowly transition into semi-functioning adult. Like I don’t want to. I want to wear my shacker tees and norts to my hearts content, be okay wearing last night’s makeup to work, take naps between classes, and go out during the week. I also know that being an adult doesn’t mean I give up ANY of these things, in fact I know that I won’t. I know that I’m overreacting about the impending change, but maybe it’s because the change is so major. It’s not like the time I decided to cut ten inches off my hair, or the time that I decided to study abroad. This is a big life change, and I just hope I’m ready for it.

Another way of dealing with stress has been with guys. No sickos, not like that. To all the guys (yes Nathan, I mean you) (you too Kev) who I let in, and then screwed me over, I have two letters for you. I’ll let Miley Cyrus sing the rest. My friend Shane put it to me the best way; “addicts act to escape reality and fear”. I am the way I am with guys because the fear of not being good enough (shoutout to all you shit heads that screwed me over). Every time I let a guy in, I end up being left alone, and really hurt. It’s a pretty tough pill to swallow honestly. Guys that I’d done everything for. I mean seriously the girl who helps you through a DUI charge? A gem. The girl who apologizes with whiskey? Rare and great. Why do I go above and beyond for people who have the power to completely knock me down? I know they will, it’s happened before. So I guess to avoid that kind of hurt, I don’t let guys in. They have almost become disposible to me now, and I really hate that. I don’t want it to be that way, but I guess it’s just the way I protect myself. I know that if I let people in, I wind up hurt. Even though I also know that I get hurt, but in a different way, when I don’t. It’s hard to let the bad guys in, let alone the good ones. And I seem to have a knack for the bad ones, so my apologies to every decent guy I’ve come in contact with but have been too vulnerable (read: HURT) to even attempt leveling with you. I’ve actually noticed the vicious cycle. I dated Nathan, and he hurt me. I met Kevin, but was wrapped up in Nathan, so I ghosted on him. Nathan hurt me again, so I went back to Kevin. I literally don’t know what the hell I was doing with Kevin but I was for sure wrapped up in it, so much so that I met a great guy, Mike, during that time, and ghosted on him because I was more focused on seeing what the hell was going on with Kevin. Kevin ghosted on me, so I went back to Mike. And that’s where I’m at. Except repeat that cycle about a million times. Truthfully I don’t even know where I’m at in that cycle right now, and I really would prefer not to ever be in that cycle again. Guys in general are pretty exhausting. Maybe that’s being I’m picking the crappy ones or something, but who knows. They’re more stressful than my full time job AND my full time student workload combined. Like what? That’s obscene. So, I’m taking a step back. While the attention is nice (because I’ve never met a girl who didn’t like being told that she was beautiful), so is having my sanity, and dignity, and the ability to focus on what’s important. Because honestly, 99% of the guys that are relevant in my life won’t be once I move to Charlotte. They probably won’t even be relevant come Wednesday.

“Nobody said it was easy, it’s such a shame for us to part. Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard. Oh, take me back to the start.”

I’m starting over.

okkk

A 360 in 365

29 Jul

So a year ago today/yesterday my expected life path changed entirely. I’m rolling my eyes at myself as I type this. Yes, I was that college girl who anticipated a ring by spring from her “serious” boyfriend because well DUH? We were totally perfect for one another. We loved pitchers of beer and weekends filled with football. We would make grilled cheeses at 3 am because what better drunk food was in our apartments? We’d go to countless dog shelters and swoon over each one and promise we’d adopt one soon. We celebrated birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, and every moment we spent together. For whatever reason, my clearly dilluted mind thought that he was special because of this. Looking back, I realize that these are things that any guy who is “right” for me should do. But, at the same token, that same “right” guy, should do much more than that. But of course, with this massive slap of reality, I was forced to roll with the tide. There was no fighting it this time, which was for the best. Any sort of dragging out of this would, and did, end miserably. Lesson learned. In 365 days, I have made a complete 360 on who I am, how I live my life, and what I believe.

1. The only thing constant is change.

You can’t fight that. Things change literally every day. I wake up and think I want to cut my hair super short and by lunch I’m looking at extensions on Pinterest. Even though Pinterest has become my favorite method of passing time in boring lectures, it has also become the biggest thorn in my side. All these boards for different things caused me to come up with a plan. Not that having a plan is bad, but having one so rigid where any sort of deviation is simply not allowed for, is bad. Even in the business world, where numbers are supposed to be exact, there is always a certain amount of deviation allowed. Embrace that. If you spend your whole life planning, and fighting change, there is no forward momentum. The biggest lessons I’ve learned in life have come through change. You just have to ride it out.

2. Let the past stay there.

A few months post break up, Nathan wanted to make nice, which is whatever. I assumed it to be a nice gesture. Until it started messing with my head. I suddenly didn’t know if i should keep moving forward (right) or let him back in (wrong). After essentialy telling the nicest guy in my life at the time to leave me alone so I could figure things out with Nathan first, I realized the horrible choice I had made. Things ended for a reason. There was no point in letting what happened four months ago ruin the streak I was on. Nothing behind you is worth ruining what is in front of you.

3. Not everyone will hurt you, but some people will. Not everyone will lie to you, but some people will.

After break ups, I feel like most girls feel so vulnerable. The person you trusted most lied to you. The person you trusted with your most fragile pieces shattered them. After something like that, it’s only natural to keep yourself guarded. The fact of the matter is that you can’t do that forever. I found myself shutting people out after I could feel myself giving a piece of myself to them, only because I couldn’t be sure that I’d ever get that piece back. After this year, I’ve learned to suck it up. The only way to feel love again is to give it. You can’t expect someone to open up to you if you can’t give them the same respect in return.

4. Patience is key.

Seriously, why is everyone in such a rush to do things? I haven’t even graduated yet and people are asking what I want to do after graduation. I’ve had people tell me that it’s okay to adopt as a single woman. Seriously? I’m 20!!!! Because I’m single now does not mean I’ll be single forever… crazy people. Patience not only with relationships, but everything. I’ve been trying to teach myself patience, and I will say I’m getting better, but it comes with challenges. Everything happens when it’s supposed to, which is hard for someone who likes to know the next step to understand. But, Rome wasn’t built in a day.

5. There is nothing wrong with you.

I notice a lot of girls going through breakups suffer some serious self esteem issues afterwards, which is truly sad. Because things didn’t work with one guy, it doesn’t mean you have some sort of defect that makes you undateable. Seriously, you have to kiss some frogs before meeting the prince, no matter how cliche that is.

6. Get lost.

Don’t tell that to boys…. do it yourself. I mean this in every sense of the word. I learned a lot about myself when I got lost in Barcelona alone. It’s adventure, fun, maybe a little scary, but worth it. I learned a lot about myself when my “plan” went up in flames. The more you don’t know, the more you keep on learning.

7. Just go out there and LIVE.

Do what you want while you can. While dating Nathan, I put off studying abroad for fear of the type of strain it would put on the relationship…… cue the shaking heads. Trust me, I’m not proud to admit that. But, it was a choice I had to live with… or so I thought. After the break up, I made the choice to study abroad in Barcelona. I can honestly say that being able to focus on me, and only me, gave me the courage to do that. It was hands down one of the best experiences I have had in my life so far. In order to get these sort of incredible experiences, you have to take a chance. Start small, with trying a new wine or something. Before you know it, you’ll be traveling the world and going skydiving!

8. Some call it selfish, I call it looking out for yourself. 

At the end of the day, you need to look out for #1 while you still can. Eventually, the days will come where you are married with a family that has mortgages, car payments, dance practices and football games to take care of. Focus on you while you only have yourself to focus on. I consider myself to be a very generous person; always putting others before myself. That kind of trait isn’t a problem until you realize that you have put yourself dead last. I tell everyone to take this single time to focus on yourself, but people struggle with that. It’s natural, after caring for someone else for so long, to not know how to live without taking care of others. I promise you, doing things for you is super fun, and super rewarding. You will not regret it.

9. Get the free drinks while you can.

Much like looking out for yourself, take the time to be young and flirty and fun. Accept the free drinks from the bar (as long as you watch them make them and there are no sketchy clouds in the drink). Smile if someone compliments you in line at Starbucks. There will come a day where your husband will surprise you with a 12-er after work. Not that there’s anything wrong with that (in fact, I look forward to that), but the thrill of the attention is nice while you can get it. Be single. Be fun. Don’t be a hooch.

10. Be thankful.

Sometimes, when a change happens, it becomes so easy to harp on the negative that comes from it. In reality, you can turn any happening into a positive. It isn’t easy, and it takes a lot of work. When you’re left what feels like “alone”, you can forget what is all around you. I took this time to get closer with my family, and especially my sisters. I got more involved in my sorority. I took on more jobs. I got out of debt. I am healthy. Most importantly, I am happy. It’s easy to forget what you have when you lose something. But thats the thing; you’ve lost something, not everything.

In the end, I have so much that I could punch Nathan for. But dwelling on the negative only makes me ugly inside, so instead I will thank him. So, Nathan, thank you. Thank you for the opportunity to live the life I deserve. Thank you for showing me what I am worth. Thank you, and your family, for showing me so many beautiful parts of the South. Thank you for making me realize all these amazing things. Thank you for the memories. But most importantly, thank you for the future that leaving you has made possible.

okkk

Hibernation

12 Jun

It’s been another hiatus since my last post. I didn’t realize how long it had been until I called my grandmother the other day. She asked why I hadn’t blogged in a while. Honestly, I just haven’t had that much to say. And what I wanted to say, I wasn’t sure how to word. I notice a lot of my inspiration has come from struggle and hardships and sadness. While those are all excellent talking points, I don’t feel like this is the space to write in extreme detail all of the wonderful things that have happened because this is a BLOG, not a BRAG. That’s not to say that the past few weeks haven’t posed their own struggles, but they just weren’t really what I was used to typing about. I am semi-professional at writing about long distance, break ups, come backs, to name a few.

I was recently diagnosed with GAD (general anxiety disorder) and panic disorder. When I heard those words come out of the doctors mouth I was shocked. I haven’t had any especialy pivotal moments in my life where everything changes. I have been incredibly blessed from day one. My parents are happily married, and I have great relationships with my family and friends alike. I have three jobs, attend a great school, and am in one of the strongest sisterhoods in the nation. So what the hell could this quack possibly mean? Isn’t this sort of stuff for really unfortunate people who have experienced far more traumatic things than myself? What could I possibly have to be stressed about? Of course while analyzing myself and trying to figure this all out, I knew the doctor wasn’t wrong. I had been struggling since my freshman year, but had always brushed it off and told myself it was just a phase. Three years later, I realized that it wasn’t a phase, and I needed to do something. When it started getting in the way of my social life, work, and school, that was kind of the turning point for me. I walked into that office with my norts and oversized sorority shirt and looked around. Some of these kids looked like they needed help. What was I doing here? There’s nothing wrong with me. There couldn’t be.

Turns out, there was. Not that anxiety is the absolute worst thing to be diagnosed with, but it certainly isn’t the best. What’s nice about going to the doctor and being told that you have strep throat is that you’re prescribed some antibiotics and lots of rest, and a few days later, the illness subsides. With anxiety, there is no magic pill. There is no miracle treatment. It is mentally exhausting, as well as physically. It’s a constant game with yourself, of trying to turn off your brain. I regret taking for granted the days where my thoughts weren’t completely consumed with things. Some things require thought, and others are completely irrelevant. I’ll start thinking about one thing, and it’ll ripple effect and before I know it, an hour has passed and I am worried about 187 things where only 93 of them realllllllly matter.

So I sat on the doctors’ diagnosis. I went home, and felt like a defect. Like I said, no real traumatic experiences have occurred in my life thus far, and I am super grateful for that. So the thought of telling ANYONE that I had anxiety was almost too much because why would I? It was embarrassing at first. My family is like.. really normal. Because of that, I saw this diagnosis as the end of the world, like a blemish on the family portrait.

So I didn’t tell my parents for a few weeks. After seeking counseling and seeing a doctor regularly, and once I got more of a handle on the diagnosis, I decided I would call my dad.

My dad is literally my best friend. I am not joking when I say that I call him at least once a day. Sometimes I have to call him because I have a question about my car, or what a good future career would be, or what I should invest my 401K in, or because I ran out of money, or or or or or…. everything and everything. And no matter how insignificant my phone calls are, he always answers with the same “Hey Ab!” that makes me feel immensely better. So calling him to tell him that his oldest daughter was suffering something she couldn’t talk her way out of was bound to be a doozy.

We talked for over an hour. We hashed out every detail of why I was stressed and what would consume my thoughts most and why they made me feel so out of control. After we got off the phone, he sent me this, as a recap that I could conveniently screenshot and tell the world about:

“Abby, I get it. A couple of things I can offer from experience: Your future is fine but you can’t expect great things immediately. They will come because you have an excellent work ethic and you are smart. That is something you shouldn’t have to worry about as long as you understand that there is no stress if you are not company president by the time you’re 25. You have a great education, a new car, a full wardrobe, and tons of things most kids don’t start out with. But you need to take stock of what you have and be happy with that. Don’t always look for what else you can get. That helps with the money part, because for the most part you shouldn’t have to buy anything at all besides the essentials like groceries and fun. I think that this is so important that this is something you have struggled with. Not because I like to see you struggle by any means, it is the hardest thing to watch as a parent. Remember that you are more than whatever inner demons you face, or your exam grades, or your jeans that are “so last season”. I have learned this myself recently because sometimes you have so much going on that it takes away from your enjoyment of life. You get overwhelmed. So, you seek out new things. And now I’m more strict in that because I just don’t have the time for all of this stuff, and now realize I was spending all my time trying for things I wouldn’t have time for anyway. Never worry about looking stupid in public, because I’m pretty sure everyone feels that way one time or another. I can relate to that. Those damn graduation speeches would consume me for weeks because I knew I lived in Ware and people expected things from me. My speeches had to be perfect or I thought people would talk about me and what a disappointment I was. Boy did that suck. But this isn’t about me. It’s about you, and how you’re going to live with this.”

Is it me or do dad’s always know just what to say? I can’t really ever say he was wrong (even though sometimes it would be much easier than admitting he was right).

One of my biggest worries right now is financial security. For the last 20 or so years, I have been lucky enough to live (mostly) on my parent’s dime. They have taken care of me, clothed me, fed me, paid for my education, living expenses, among other things like the random Lilly Pulitzer dresses I just couldn’t leave the store without. I’ve been extremely lucky to have parents who make sure that I never have to go without. However, with my impending graduation (gag) I know that this is on it’s way out. Lets face it, without them, I have Moet Chandon taste on a PBR budget. That doesn’t play. So while I worry about “holy shit I can’t keep this lifestyle up post grad”, I forget how damn good I have it. I will graduate with no student loan debt, no car payments, just the expectation that I get into a good grad school program and work on moving up the corporate ladder. Yeah, I’ll have to learn how to budget (because right now I have no damn idea how to), pay attention to my 401K, and not buy so much unneccesary shit (ie clothes). I think all college kids should mentally prepare for the struggle. Some are living it now, and some might be unfortunate enough to always live on daddy’s dime. And yeah, it’ll be the struggle for a little, but here’s hoping that degree you paid so much for pays off and gets you a decent paying job sooner than later.

okkk

A Rebirth

1 Apr

Obviously I’ve been super slack in the new year as far as blogging goes. Honestly, it’s been the last thing on my mind lately. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been a little voice in the back like “C’mon Abs, hop to it!” but I just was like ehhhhhh nah I’ll do it later. So, technically, it is later. So let’s do this thing.

Similarly to my last binge post, I’ve had a list forming in my phone of stuff to write about. It’s getting a little too long for my liking. Okay. Here we go.

Let’s start with excuses. They only work until you turn into the boy who cried wolf. I’ll leave it at that.

Apparently at some point of my list formation I wrote this:

“Every day I’ll have something new to say to him. How much I hate him or miss him or that I regret acting a certain way, or telling him what he did wrong or how I disagree or reminisce and none of it would do any good because he is just as stubborn as I, if not more, and it has far surpassed a lost cause”

What a sap. I’m blessing my own heart for that one. But, that little quote brought me back to this conversation I had with Lindsey a while back. (I creepily screenshot it because I knew I’d want to use it in a blog post eventually…oooops).

——————————————————————————————————————————————————-

“I seriously need to cut the shit with Nathan oh my good lord”

“?!?!?!?”

“I texted him to apologize, just because I was so out of line a few days ago. I forget what we were even talking about but of course my passive aggression got the best of me and I said something along the lines of “Go be happy go have fun with Ella, lord knows you don’t deserve it.” Basically it was super rude and uncalled for. So I apologized but like… I told him not to respond. So what does he do? Freaking respond.”

“Oh lord Abby…Well what did he respond with? Well wait actually.. no. The thing is. You don’t want to be his friend. So don’t talk to him. I mean even I’m still waiting for him to change his mind, so I can’t imagine being in your shoes”

“Which is exactly why I asked him not to reply like I just wanted to apologize and leave it at that. Not everything needs to be discussed anymore, I just want to cut ties cleanly. And even if he would change his mind, it wouldnt matter, because I truly wouldn’t want him to. Please, I don’t need that kind of baggage in my life now or ever.”

“Honestly.. I don’t know how he feels. Like does he want this over forever and ever amen or was it just bad timing?”

“I think if he wanted anything he would have changed his mind by now honestly. I mean the timing was completely wrong. The whole thing was wrong. Even if I had met him 2-3 years after I did, it wouldn’t have changed the kind of person he really was. Provided then I wouldn’t have been burdened by his infidelities or DUI or other unsavory habits. It’s just more hard to cope with becase I thought I met the right person but I was seriously mistaken, and that’s a tough pill to swallow. Like wow is my perception that off?”

“You probably would have met someone else, and he certainly wouldnt have had that kind of past, at least i hope not. Cause well, why bother? I just think that timing being wrong is an awful excuse on his part, like after all he did would the honesty have been that difficult? I mean I wanted to kiss a lot more people, and flirt more, and just not give a damn, but none of that would have been worth giving up Adam. It’s not that the timing was wrong, it’s just that he was not right. At all. I would rather lose out on all that now, than him later. It’s easier said than done, but self control goes a long way. However Abby, you truly do deserve better than Nathan. In every sense. So maybe he thinks the timing was wrong, but you should not believe that. Because timing is never right.”

“I mean I know that for sure. I’m not trying to be cocky or anything but, I completely do. I don’t deserve the baggage he comes with. So it’s kinda stupid that something so irrelevant now has any sort of hold on me.”

“It’s not even about baggage, becase getting through someone’s baggage can make you love them more, and them love you more. It’s about how they treat you, how you guys get through all of that together. I don’t care if Nathan had a drug oopsie, everyone makes mistakes. People drive drunk all the time and don’t get caught. He isn’t much different than the rest of the world in that sense. But, when he felt the relationship falling apart, he didn’t communicate that. He’s not a bad person, but he is a bad lover. It’s the fact that he didn’t respect you enough to tel you the truth after he cheated, or before he cheated, or it not being a mistake. If it happened once, and he realized what he had, and never did it again, that would be one thing. But for it to happen more than once? That’s another. So stop apologizing to him for being angry and mean. But also, don’t hold against his errors (minus the cheating) against him. That only makes it harder for him, and he made those choices.”

“I guess I’m only trying to even the score. Which is super petty and a dumb excuse.”

“Abby, what he did and went through is punishment enough, and a very hard rut to get out of.”

“I guess I’m just trying to push him in the right direction still, or what I think it is.”

“So you need to tell him that. He may have hurt you more than anyone before, and you won’t get over that right away, but you’ll always want what’s best for him. Love is a dangerous thing. You opened yourself up to him entirely, and he let you down. And you don’t get why, and chances are you never will, and you will always think about him. You just have to stop trying so hard to hate him”

——————————————————————————————————————————————————–

So, I don’t hate him. I don’t really hate anyone right now. Harboring any and all hate was just emotionally exhausting, and that energy could have been spent a million better ways. Honestly, in the past few months I’ve had pleeeeenty of time to reflect over and over again and finally figure out how the hell to conduct myself and what I want to do and how I want to feel. And I don’t want to feel the way he made me feel ever again. So, I’m not going to. I’m not going to feel sorry for myself, or angry over something I couldn’t control, or spiteful GOD I hated how spiteful this all made me. So, I choose to not be any of those things anymore. Cutting those ties was the best thing I could have ever done for myself. I really enjoyed caring for another person for two years, but at this point I deserve to be a little selfish and look out for number one. I realize this happened literally ages ago but again, this little note in my phone started back in december so let’s just call this one final and move along.

After the break up, every one told me that I would meet someone new; someone who will show me that I deserve so much more, and that it’ll make sense that things didnt work out with Nathan. I’m super glad to say I’ve met that person.

Myself.

Throughout the past eight months (good lord does time fly by) I have shown myself what I’m capable of. I’m gonna get all corny and mushy real quick, but it’s true. And if I needed to hear some of these things to realize them, I’m sure there are plenty of people in the same kinda boat. Despite how lost I felt at first, I proved to be stronger than I ever thought I could be. Like, to overcome something that once seemed so daunting, and come out with an incredible new mindset, is pretty amazing. I’ve always been the eternal optimist…. for everyone else. I was everyone elses biggest cheerleader, but who was mine? Doesn’t matter anymore, that’s me. And of course my family and friends and stuff, but it was time for me to be my own biggest fan. There’s some corny saying like “How can anyone love you unless you love yourself first” or something to that effect. I’m not saying I was unlovable before, because I mean let’s face it I’m not THAT awful, but confidence is a powerful tool. I’ve learned that a lot lately. I walk tall (which is hard because I’m five foot two on a good day) with a smile and an air of confidence. Not a turned up nose, or not a serious case of RBF, a smile. A geniune one. And my dad didn’t even have to pay me $5 this time.*

*This actually happened. A family vacation in Las Vegas when I was 10. My dad told me that my smile looked fake and for whatever reason I couldn’t make a real looking smile (to his standard). Eventually, he was like “I’ll give you $5 to smile” so i grinned real big when i heard ‘dollars’ and BOOM a photo was snapped in front of the Venetian water show.

A few weeks ago at the bank, my manager and I had a heart to hear about how hard it is to get over someone. She thought she met the love of her life in college, and when he broke her heart, she never thought that she would never find that again. He always had some kind of a hold on her. She met her husband a few years later, meanwhile the other man still had some sort of spot on her mind. But, she fought that. She had to choose (DUH), and let’s just say it wasn’t the heartbreaker. The funny part is, when she met her now-husband, she hated him. He bothered her to the core, and used to laugh at the idea of them being together. Welp….. look where that wound up. So maybe you will hate the next one at first, but then again, maybe you’ll marry them. Just goes to show you welcome surprises, keep an open mind, all that good stuff.

And now, it’s the end of March, and I have some great news. I, Abigail Desjardins, am finally completely happy. On my own. There’s no catch. No reason for my happiness other than just being where I am today. Everything else is just a bonus. I’m not really sure how it happened, but I just know I woke up one day and was just excited about life. I was happy for no reason. My coworkers were even a little thrown off by it. I mean, I’m incredibly blessed. It’s about time I start being excited and thankful for it. Now if y’all will excuse me, I have an apartment-warming gift to craft!

Cheers and a big ole smile,

okkk

Ketchup

19 Dec

No, not the condiment commonly put on hamburgers and hot dogs. An attempt at me spelling “catch up” funny. Anyway…

It’s been a whole month since I’ve posted. But, in my defense, I’ve been super busy pulling 50 hour work weeks since classes/finals/the semester from satan are over, so I have been jotting down little notes about things I think I should blog about whenever I had some time. Since I ended up not having to work at the mall tonight, I am gracing you all with a fabulous and possibly lengthy blog post.

For starters:

social norms are ridiculous. Far too often I noticed myself and friends becoming preocupied by the whole “who texts first” concept. Why is it assumed that because we text first we’re desperate and clingy and crazy? And why is it expected that we wait around all day for the other person to text first? If you want to talk to someone…. just talk to them?! The unneccessary complication of the once seemingly simple art of conversation is absurd. So screw the social norms. Screw fearing social backlash for *gasp* texting a guy first. End rant.

I’ve learned a few things as I officially rid myself of the toxicity of relationships past. Most importantly, it’s not about who wins, who has the upper hand, or who can replace the other faster, It’s about finally getting the happiness you deserve. Initially, myself, along with I’m guessing several other people in the world, my main focus was to find something, maybe even someone, else that would make me blissfully happy so that the whole world would know it. But that really isn’t what’s important. 97% of the time, that first happiness you find, isn’t really happiness. It’s you, forcing yourself, into the first semi-decent thing that strolls your way. It doesn’t matter if you get the last word in arguments that have lost all meaning and importance. It isn’t who walks away being the better person. Okay, maybe it is a liiiiiiittle of that, because if you walk away a shit head, I feel bad for you. But seriously. The second you stop being so preoccupied with how you THINK you should be handling things, you’ll start handling them properly. And that, in turn, will show you reeeeeal live happiness.

My friend Shane wanted to get creative, contribute to this space, and now I am relaying this message to you all:

“Hi, my name is Shane. I’m your typical nerd. I play card games and video games. I lift for fun and I like spending time laughing at nothing with my wonderful girlfriend. There is a lot to love about her, she’s my academic equal, she is a sorority girl (which for a G.D.I is pretty damn cool), and she’s like a window. Now, most people say having a girlfriend who is a window is not so “hot” rather it’s weird. I say she’s a window and people think I am being poetic, the secondly heralded Robert Frost. The funny thing is, I am not. Her being like a window is mandatory for relationship success. I am a rather logical guy, I break things down with reason. Just ask BlondeGirl. So I’m here to tell you about my theory of windows.

Why do we have windows? Windows are a way for us to gaze into the fearful, yet awe inspiring world around us. Windows are a clear portal to another world, so to speak. They protect us as well, and can shield us from the nasty effects of the elements. That terrible driving wind and sleet isn’t going to enter your home, all thanks to your window! However, it’s pretty neat to see the sleet from the inside right? This analogy will serve as a medium as to how you should view that special someone.

I see love like a window. No Frozen fans, love isn’t an open door (we see how that went). I see my girlfriend as a window. She is clear, she let’s me see the world through her eyes and how I could be best. I can see a slight reflection of myself in the window, but I can mainly see into a new world. Go ahead, when you are done reading this go to a window and stare at it, you will see yourself and the world around you. However, it is faulty to assume all windows aren’t damaged. Of course, my window has a few dings and scratches, but that is because of the past. The weather outside can be more than frightful. It can be down right nasty. Stones can break a window. The weather will beat at it constantly. A window is not a one way street. You need to find a window that will not be totally broken, and there is only so much fixing you can do yourself. Some windows are worth fixing with love and adoration.

Some windows, are beyond repair. See, some windows just chose to let the elements wear them down. These windows are completely shattered and have jagged edges. When you go to touch these windows they will cut you and draw blood. They won’t protect you from the outside either. Those windows, the ones I am referring to, are the bad exes you’ve all dealt with. The exes who want nothing more than to see you suffer, and if they don’t want it, they absolutely won’t go out of their way to help you avoid it. These windows need to be cut out. Replaced, is probably a better word here.

I’m going to end on a slightly dorky note. Hearthstone is my favorite game ever. It’s a card game and it’s free. Trust me and see me through this. I play a deck type called “Warrior”, the whole point is to armor yourself up to take a lot of damage upfront to pay off late with big and powerful creatures. “Sheildmaiden” is one of the cards I use to help fortify my defenses against threats. What I am saying is, you can let you guard down. “The best defense is the best offense” strategy doesn’t always work. While i win 90% of the time, I get beaten easily by swarm decks. Sometimes, there is too much around for me to handle. That’s when I call for help with cards like Shieldmaiden. That’s when you ask for your significant other to help you. Shieldmaiden helps me stop the bleeding from those rush decks. If your significant other can’t be your shieldmaiden, and you can​’t be theirs. Then maybe, they are a broken window and want to see a little blood drawn. But hey, I can’t say I’m right or wrong. I’m just a guy, remember?”

What a gem. What a nerd. This kid is too great, and quite the poetic writer. Find him on Facebook and commend him for his talents. (Shane Donovan).

Last week, I completely lost my shit on someone who didn’t deserve it. I don’t mean freaked out because they left the cap off the toothpaste. I mean totally, butt crazy, flipped out, for absolutely no good reason. It wasn’t just like, one comment, it was eight. EIGHT COUNTS OF CRAZY BITCH AGAINST ME. Well done. Like, why didn’t someone stop me? Or hit me? Or take my phone and bury it six feet under? I just completely lost my chill. And it didn’t even hit me until today that I should probably apologize for being bat shit……. which I’m also embarassed of. Not only should this have never happened, but it shouldn’t have taken so long for me to put on my big girl pants and admit I was wayyyyyy out of line. So, friends, learn from my mistakes. Don’t flip out on guys who don’t deserve it, just because you’re overthinking and not using the big, beautiful brain your parents gave you. And if you do, you aren’t alone, but don’t be an idiot and wait forever to apologize because welp, but then, you’ve really screwed the boot.

And my final thought, I don’t think anyone is actually good at relationships, rather you find someone who can balance you out. I was feeling especially meh after several failed dates, and was convinced there had to be SOMETHING wrong with me. Maybe my sense of humor didn’t exist? Maybe I shouldn’t have had that last beer? Did I stumble into some bad lighting? Now I’m taking it to far, but really. I was convinced that I was sucky at dating, and felt like my next move didn’t exist. I mean, the plan for most is to graduate, get a job, get engaged, and then the real world ensues with mortgages and babies and anniversaries and wedding scrap books. Maybe my plans have changed. But then again, maybe they haven’t. Maybe I wasn’t a sucky date. Maybe these dudes just didn’t have the proper balance. Maybe THEY weren’t funny enough, or boasted egos big enough for the both of us, maybe it really isn’t me.

Don’t be too hard on yourself. Things work out, super funny, rarely make sense, at least right now. Long run, it’ll all come together.

Or so I’ve been told.

okkk

I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends

18 Nov

I finally did it. I sealed my fate with Nathan. Something I probably should have done months ago, but wasn’t ready to do until today.

“I’m not a convenience. I’m a girl with feelings. And he keeps hurting them.”

“Yeah, and you keep letting him. Which is the biggest problem here.”

“Exactly. He just needs to be a part of my life or not. No fair weather bullshit.”

“I really think the answer is for him to not be. When _____ and I broke up, we couldn’t be friends. And I think the thing is, we never could be, and still can’t be. We really care about one another, and want one another to be happy. But every time someone else broke us, we ran to one another. How is that fair?”

“It isn’t.”

“Ex lovers just can’t be friends. Not passionate ones anyways.”

“I think he has this great vision of us being able to be friends and shoot the shit and whatever but we can’t and that really is just because I don’t want that. I can’t go from having him be what I thought was “the one” to my freaking buddy. I can’t do that. I won’t do that.”

“Plus, imagine how that would go when you get significant others. You won’t be able to be friends. Your significant other won’t want you to be. _____ trusts me 100%, but I don’t think ex lovers should be trusted? I don’t want him being friends with his ex. Yeah, it’s over, but he loved her. And yeah, he loves me now, but he did love her. So F that. Like oh so casual, I imaged my future with that guy, how my kids would look with his eyes, how my couch would look with him napping on it. But, we are just friends. No. It doesn’t work that way.”

“It doesn’t, which is why it is so weird to me. I can’t get past what we were, because that is literally all we were. We didn’t have a long running frienship before we dated. We literally started talking, and that was it. We knew what we were getting into. Like do you just forget that? I don’t.”

“No, you don’t. I loved _____ and I can see I am his friend? But I can’t say our friendship should have been or should be trusted. Does that make sense?”

“It does.”

“Like we are friends as in don’t ever reach out to me unless you really need it. I went on vacation with him and ______ and ended up crying to ______ about him. That shouldn’t have been something that happened. Exes just can’t be friends. No matter how much you want them to be.”

“You’re right, like I know I don’t want to be his friend.”

“It really sucks.”

“Like I want to be his or nothing.”

“But it’s life. Better as a memory.”

“I don’t even know if I could say that. I’m still really mad and hurt and uspet by all he put me through and who he continues to turn me into today. I want to forget that part of me.”

“You won’t, so just forget that thought. But stop letting him ruin your days. Say all the mean things you have to say, and focus on moving forward.”

“I just want to know why it was so easy for him.”

“It might not be. Guys are weird. Theyre wired differently.”

“This whole thing is annoying he’s annoying life is annoying.

“Yeah, it is. But the sooner you stop pushing for it not to be over with him, the sooner it will be over. And if he lets that happen, then it absolutely should be over. And to be honest, you should stop trying to convince yourself that it should be or that he may ever change because honestly, it was not healthy. He didn’t appreciate what you guys had almost the entire time you two were together. Cheating once is one thing, but numerous is another. You’re chasing nothing. Nathan isn’t even the person you love. You love who you thought he was, who you wanted him to be. You love surprises, and letters, and dates, and talking about the future. Would you really want to drag on that immaturity to your future? Do you want a man like that by your side forever?”

“Well, it’s who he was, or pretended to be, for a while.”

“You guy’s aren’t that young anymore, and Nathan stil can’t fucking grow up. That’s not attractice. And I can’t see you being with someone like that. Like you went up there the other weekend and were careless. Is that who you want to be? Is that who you want to be with? Someone like that?”

“No, I don’t. But it’s just hard because for so long, I thought I knew what he was, I thought it was what you just said. The surprises and dates and the future. It’s just a tough pill to swallow to realize it isn’t.”

“Exactly. And no offense, but you bring yourself down for him.”

“I can’t say you’re wrong.”

“I don’t want to be right. And I understand love, and it being totally out of our hands, who we love. And I understand people changing, and all that good stuff, but at this point, is it hard to see the positive? You don’t want, or need something, that drives so many emotions through you. You need someone to create a stable life with. But before any of that, you need to create a stable and better you. You need to be secure, and motivated. You don’t need to go out and post things on social networks to impress him or make him jealous. You need to do all that because you are happy. And you aren’t right now. You aren’t even your main focus right now, because Nathan has been. You dropped everything, and your morals, just to see if he loved you. If he even cared.”

“And he doesn’t, so let’s just chalk that up as time wasted. The first time I made this mistake it wasn’t a waste, but now its round two. That’s a waste.”

“Noooooo, not at all. It took that for you to kind of realize you needed to stop putting effort into it. You shouldn’t be faulted for having a heart and caring and wanting to see the best in people. If he wants to fix it, he can, he should. Stop walking away and thinking youll regret it, and then turning around. You didn’t do this. You did everything right, so stop punishing yourself for this. You loved him, you drove miles for him, you did things with his mother, you didn’t give up, you forgave him. You fought with and for him more times than you should have. So stop thinking you could have done more. There is nothing wrong with you. And you are not unlovable or impossible to settle down with. So relax. Just know you didn’t break it to begin with. So stop picking up the pieces.”

——————————————————————————————————————————

Anyway, I ended it. I finally decided it was time to look out for number one; me.

After talking to several friends, my spirits were lifted immensely. I thoguht because this time, the end was on my terms, that it would be easier. Boooooooy was I wrong. I still cried, and second guessed myself, and felt a whole mess of feelings.

But speaking to another friend made me realize so much. I shouldn’t be punished for being selfless. She reitterated that it wasn’t that I was unlovable, we just weren’t on the same page. At all. Totally different novel even. And like… that’s okay. She knows us both, probably more than she’d like to sometimes. But god bless her for listening to this. Anyway, not on the same page. She mentioned how Nathan thinks maturely, but doesn’t execute things as such. And she’s right. He’s a smart guy, he knows how to make the right/adult choices. But he doesn’t always. I don’t always either, but I think it’s evident I’m more so on that page. I am ready for somethin’ real. I crave that kind of long term love, and whenever I find it, I’ll welcome it with arms wide open. But she said “One day he will realize what he missed out on. And you’re smart enough to realize when things are just too late.” I mean we talked for about fourty-five minutes, so lots was said. But I just felt so much better afterwards.

I’ll always love Nathan, rather, I’ll always have love for him. No matter all the ridiculous stuff that went on between us, I will always have a soft spot for that boy, formerly known as Merp. Love changes, it’s life. I no longer love him as my other half, my equal, my end of the line, my forever. I have love for him though. I don’t wish ill will upon him, in fact I want the best for him. I’m not sure what kind of “love” that is, but it’s something.

It doesn’t all make sense to me right now and thats okay, but it will someday, and I take solace knowing that.

okkk

Continuity

14 Nov

It has not been long since my last post, although I have written many drafts. From jotting notes in my phone to typing full fledged would-be posts, only to delete them at the last possible second. Well, the note in my phone has quite a few bullet points, so I’m going to carefully discuss all of them. So buckle up readers, this one’s a doozy. Maybe. I’m not sure yet. I promise it’ll be interesting.

First, I’ll start this with a story. Sunday night, I went to Starbucks with my big, because I had a paper to write and she had some people watching to do (for a class… it isn’t creepy). As we pulled up, we parked next to a blacked out Mercedes sedan. No biggie, lots of people drive those. I got out of the car and walked behind it to get onto the sidewalk, and noticed it had a Citadel alumni sticker. Oooooookay….. weird. I say to her “I really hope that isn’t Michael’s car…” and she goes “I’m sure it’s not! Lots of Citadel alums live in Columbia.” So we walk in and she looks around and says “See! Told you he wasn’t here!” and I turn around and who do I see but Michael… AWKO TACO Y’ALL. Aside from a few weird glances, we did not speak. He left about an hour into our study sesh, and the second he walked out the door I felt a buzz in my pocket. “I’m sorry. I was just so afraid.” And that confused me immensely. What about me could possibly be scary? I’m a five foot nothing blonde sorority girl who smiles and laughs at everything. But somehow… I scared a political lobbyist. When he said that, I felt powerful. That sounds really twisted, so hear me out. I have never had the upper hand with a guy before. It just isn’t something I’m used to. So for someone to fear me, was a new feeling entirely. He said he was still outside smoking a cigarette if I wanted to come say hi. I didn’t want to, just because I did not want to give off the wrong impression, but my big shot me that “be nice” look, so I went out to say hello. The first thing I say is “I’m already sick so I don’t want to be near nasty cigarettes and make this cough worse.” Gee Abbs, real nice….. He looked at me, smiled, and threw a freshly lit cigarette onto the ground, then stomped it out. Did someone seriously just listen to me instead of defying me? What parallel universe was this? We caught up, cut up, and I apologized for being such a scary srat star. I walked away and was suddenly reminded of what Lindsey had told me a while back, when the breakup was fresh. “Have you ever met someone, that is so perfect, that you just don’t want?” That’s exactly what Mike was. My parents would be thrilled if I dated someone like him. Graduated from a reputable school, has a career, no felonies, with the biggest heart, and who LISTENS TO WHAT I SAY (clearly this is new for me because I am still in shock). But, he’s just not for me. In theory, yes, but in reality, no.

Next, what I learned from the concept of a “Grab-a-guy” date function. Guys that we find in less than ten hours are more reliable than guys we’ve known for years. Grab-a-guy works like this: you get an email from your sorority telling you that there is a function THAT NIGHT and you are left with roughly ten hours to find a date, and an outfit. Fun, stressful, anxiety inducing, all elements of a great function. So, you finally have an excuse to ask the cutie you met a few weeks ago. You ask, and boom. You have a date. It is literally that easy. These guys are just as pressed for time as you, but they make it work. Did they plan on this function happening? No. Are they gonna go and have a damn good time? Absolutely. Guys you’ve known for years don’t even guarantee a response anymore.

Finally……. what I’ve worked so hard at crafting over the past day(s). I feel the need to be super careful with how I word it, but I’m not sure if I want to anymore.

A few nights ago, I was coaxed into finally saying how I felt. For those of you playing catch up, this is in reference to Nathan. So, I poured it all (some of it) out into the blog post preceeding this. That was a huge mistake. With 200% certainty it was recieved by the party intended, and after being coaxed into it, with no response, ouch. Just ouch. Someone once told me “when in doubt, always kiss the girl” but from now on I will be sticking with “when in doubt, keep your mouth shut”. As if the “true feelings” weren’t already painfully obvious, why ask what’s on my mind if you know to begin with? Are my words just fuel to your fire? Giving you more of an upperhand than you already had? For all I know, maybe he was blissfully unaware? I mean, he has read this blog. He isn’t THAT unaware, but I digress. Is it really better to get a punch in the face now than kick yourself later? Probably, but I wouldn’t know, because I got both of those at once. Silence always speaks louder than any words ever could. Of course my friends (love y’all by the way) are like “He’s stupid not to want you in his life because you’re the best”. A direct quote from Maddie. Everyone’s a little stupid. And while I appreciate their kind words and the smile’s they’ve brought me, it isn’t enough.

“The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. And that’s what you’ve given me. That’s what I’d hoped to give you forever”

Coudl I BE any more cliche, using The Notebook as reference points in my blog? It isn’t far off though. The fact of the matter is that some life events mean more to others. They effect each party involved in a different way. That is the impact he had on me. The impact I had on him, I won’t know. I would like to hope that it was at least a positive one.

“I miss you. I miss the sound of your voice in my ears. I miss the way I shook in your arms when I laughed. I miss the way your smile just brightened up my day, my world. I miss the way you made me feel, no one could ever make me feel the way you did.  I felt complete. I felt so happy and yet almost scared. I felt excited and overwhelmed. I felt so many things that it was hard to describe, sometimes it made me fumble over my words. I miss the way you were. I miss everything you said, everything you did made me smile and laugh. I miss the way you looked at me. I just kinda lose myself in your eyes, they’re so beautiful. I miss us. I miss being held in your arms. I miss being stupid with you. I miss listening to music with you, whether I like it or not, whether you like it or not. I miss holding your hands. I miss going on walks. I miss watching tv over the phone. I miss the feelings of your lips on mine. I miss slow dancing with you. I miss walking you home. I miss holding your hand until we fell asleep. I miss being with you. I miss you.”

okkk

Continued

12 Nov

After last nights’ post I got a lot of positive feedback about how much people love how honest I am in my posts. “Honest?” I thought, how on earth….? Sure it was the honest truth, but I didn’t write a whole lot of vivid details of what I’m feeling. Just that I was feeling them. Truthfully, I wish I could be more honest with what I write. I would love to go into every (seemingly) insignificant detail of my life and how I feel and what I feel and why I feel that way. But I can’t. And that is simply because I don’t know. I hardly know how I’m feeling half the time, let alone why I feel that way or what triggered it or whatever. So, I don’t see a need to write something when I’m not sure about it. I’m 100% certain about very few things, which is probably why I blog about them so much? But even when I am 100% certain, I’m not 100% certain that I should let my feelings be known. I’ve been burned way too many times by being open and honest and I guess I have finally learned my lesson. I hate that it has to be that way, like I’m being punished for being honest. But does it really have to be that way? I guess in some ways it does, and I also have to learn to deal with it. Which is for sure annoying, but I digress.

So I guess I’ll just be honest.

I know about four things for certain.

1. Navy is my color.

2. English bulldog puppies will exist in my future home.

3. Living in Columbia requires adding an extra fiftenn minutes to travel time due to the trains.

4. I still have some kind of feelings for that idiot/smart/annoying/funny/crazy freakin’ boy.

I’m not really sure what the feelings are, because there’s a lot of them. Those of rage and anger have subsided, but those of hurt and disgust have certainly not. Neither have those of compassion and love. I think it’s a little unrealistic to expect someone to stop caring for someone that instant. I mean, hello, these things take time. Something about him makes me want to kiss him and punch him in the face at the same time. It’s really annoying too because I don’t think I’ve ever had feelings that varied for one person. Although he may drive me up a wall sometimes, I cannot deny that he aids in putting the biggest smile on my face.

Interweb friends, there you have it. Honesty I’ve been evading for a while. I’m already punching myself in the face for writing this. So I sure hope someone appreciates my honesty.

okkk

Without a Title

11 Nov

I’ve written this post, or various versions of it, hundreds of times. Sometimes in my head, sometimes on my phone, or in my marketing notebook. But I never published any of them. I like to think I’m pretty good with words, but every single one of these drafts didn’t feel right. They did not effectively convey what I was trying to say, and maybe part of the problem was that I didn’t know exacty what I was trying to say. Honestly, I still don’t have a certain message I want to put out there, but boy do I have a lot to say.

This past weekend, contrary to my friend’s popular opinion, I went to Boone. That’s right, your favorite idiot went to the homeland of her ex-boyfriend. It was spur of the moment and I’m really fed up with Columbia right now, so I figured #yolo. I had to go to Charlotte anyway to return some sweaters, since that was the nearest Vineyard Vines store. Plus, I knew it would be good to see him.

It’s kind of weird to think about, because I hadn’t seen him in almost four months up until this past weekend. And of course the last time I actually saw him, I didn’t think this was where I would be four months in the future. It was the most perfect weekend, the one four months ago I mean. What girl doesnt enjoy a dinner/movie date followed by building a fort with her best guy? I drove out of Matthews that day not knowing things would change, and certainly not expecting them to. But they did. Life has a funny way of surprising you like that. And as I’m sure all of you know, we were not on good terms for a while. But, that’s normal. Couples rarely end things and can be cordial right after. I think everyones allowed to have their crazy dislike phase. I’m segwaying too far away from what I’m meaning to say. I think that’s a nervous habit. As much as I love blogging, I always get so scared that I’m going to put too much of myself out there, or type the wrong thing and have it come off badly, or something like that. Okay now I’m stalling. Anyway..

So I went to Boone. And it was great. Just to get out of the monotony that Columbia tends to bring was heavenly. It was a combination of the best and worst and easiest and hardest weekend of my life, and I’m still not sure if it was my best idea. But I did it, and now I’m left with all these feelings and thoughts. And I reeeeeeeally am sick of em to be honest.

It was great to be there. I always have a good time in Boone because it’s a place where I’m allowed to throw caution to the wind and not have to worry about work or school or the stresses that Cola town brings me. It was great to see Nathan. It was great to be there. The old and familiar is always welcoming, so is anything that brings out my real smile. Anyone who knows me knows how painfully fake my smile is 90% of the time.

It sucked being there. I’ve never in Boone and felt the way I did this weekend.

It was easy being there. I mean, what’s difficult about getting to chill with fun people in an environment that reminds you of everything that stresses you out….? Nothing. Nothing at all.

It was so hard being there, for a lot of the same reasons that it sucked being there.

____________________________________________________________________________________________

“That was so stupid.”

“?????”

“I just feel horrible. I knew it was dumb to go up anyway. It’s not like I brought anything up but it’s also not like that wasn’t in the back of my mind the whole time.”

“You weren’t dumb to go up. I mean you went for one reason or another.”

“I’m just sick of biting my tongue.”

“I mean I don’t really think it’s your place to say anthing. You just have to decide what exactly you can be okay with.”

“I don’t really know.”

“Then when you do, you need to say something.”

“It’s crazy that this same weekend last year I was up there, dealing with the same thing. At least I’m consistent.”

“So now what is the outcome this time around?”

“I don’t know. Last time was very different. I treated it differently last year, like the exact opposite. I didn’t say anything but I feel like I need to but I can’t. Like I physically cannot bring myself to.”

“That makes it so hard..”

“I mean it felt one way to me and for all I know it felt the exact opposite to him.”

“You may be right.”

“But the thing is I’ll never know. Well not never, but..”

“Unless you say something.”

“But right now I don’t know what the hell to say. And I don’t like not knowing. It’s hard enough to feel this way but why speak prematurely? I really shouldn’t bother. It’s probably for the best that I hold my tongue.”

“Why do you say that?”

“I don’t really know to be honest, but for once I would love to not be the person constantly putting myself on the line.”

“But that’s not gonna happen Abby. So you can say something, that way you don’t regret not saying anything. Like it may be one way, it may be another. But you can’t know unless you speak up.”

__________________________________________________________________________________________

I’ve battled with this post for months now, mostly because of my own indecisiveness in how I feel. I’ll level with guys here, girls really can be complicated. I say “right” when I actually mean “left”. I have felt a million and one ways about a million and two things in the past few months so it’s growing harder to keep em all straight. Just when I think I have it figured out, I find out that I don’t, and have to build from square one all over again.

Still planning on biting my tongue, by the way. Kind of. I mean, I guess in a way this post is me kiiiiiiind of opening my mouth, but then wimping out at the last second and only giving away so much info.

Like I said, it kills me to put myself on the line because it’s pretty common for the result to be exactly the opposite of what you expected, wanted, or hoped for. Why put myself through that any more than I already have? But at the same time, it’s like what the hell do I have left to lose? Not much, that’s for sure.

okkk