Continuity

14 Nov

It has not been long since my last post, although I have written many drafts. From jotting notes in my phone to typing full fledged would-be posts, only to delete them at the last possible second. Well, the note in my phone has quite a few bullet points, so I’m going to carefully discuss all of them. So buckle up readers, this one’s a doozy. Maybe. I’m not sure yet. I promise it’ll be interesting.

First, I’ll start this with a story. Sunday night, I went to Starbucks with my big, because I had a paper to write and she had some people watching to do (for a class… it isn’t creepy). As we pulled up, we parked next to a blacked out Mercedes sedan. No biggie, lots of people drive those. I got out of the car and walked behind it to get onto the sidewalk, and noticed it had a Citadel alumni sticker. Oooooookay….. weird. I say to her “I really hope that isn’t Michael’s car…” and she goes “I’m sure it’s not! Lots of Citadel alums live in Columbia.” So we walk in and she looks around and says “See! Told you he wasn’t here!” and I turn around and who do I see but Michael… AWKO TACO Y’ALL. Aside from a few weird glances, we did not speak. He left about an hour into our study sesh, and the second he walked out the door I felt a buzz in my pocket. “I’m sorry. I was just so afraid.” And that confused me immensely. What about me could possibly be scary? I’m a five foot nothing blonde sorority girl who smiles and laughs at everything. But somehow… I scared a political lobbyist. When he said that, I felt powerful. That sounds really twisted, so hear me out. I have never had the upper hand with a guy before. It just isn’t something I’m used to. So for someone to fear me, was a new feeling entirely. He said he was still outside smoking a cigarette if I wanted to come say hi. I didn’t want to, just because I did not want to give off the wrong impression, but my big shot me that “be nice” look, so I went out to say hello. The first thing I say is “I’m already sick so I don’t want to be near nasty cigarettes and make this cough worse.” Gee Abbs, real nice….. He looked at me, smiled, and threw a freshly lit cigarette onto the ground, then stomped it out. Did someone seriously just listen to me instead of defying me? What parallel universe was this? We caught up, cut up, and I apologized for being such a scary srat star. I walked away and was suddenly reminded of what Lindsey had told me a while back, when the breakup was fresh. “Have you ever met someone, that is so perfect, that you just don’t want?” That’s exactly what Mike was. My parents would be thrilled if I dated someone like him. Graduated from a reputable school, has a career, no felonies, with the biggest heart, and who LISTENS TO WHAT I SAY (clearly this is new for me because I am still in shock). But, he’s just not for me. In theory, yes, but in reality, no.

Next, what I learned from the concept of a “Grab-a-guy” date function. Guys that we find in less than ten hours are more reliable than guys we’ve known for years. Grab-a-guy works like this: you get an email from your sorority telling you that there is a function THAT NIGHT and you are left with roughly ten hours to find a date, and an outfit. Fun, stressful, anxiety inducing, all elements of a great function. So, you finally have an excuse to ask the cutie you met a few weeks ago. You ask, and boom. You have a date. It is literally that easy. These guys are just as pressed for time as you, but they make it work. Did they plan on this function happening? No. Are they gonna go and have a damn good time? Absolutely. Guys you’ve known for years don’t even guarantee a response anymore.

Finally……. what I’ve worked so hard at crafting over the past day(s). I feel the need to be super careful with how I word it, but I’m not sure if I want to anymore.

A few nights ago, I was coaxed into finally saying how I felt. For those of you playing catch up, this is in reference to Nathan. So, I poured it all (some of it) out into the blog post preceeding this. That was a huge mistake. With 200% certainty it was recieved by the party intended, and after being coaxed into it, with no response, ouch. Just ouch. Someone once told me “when in doubt, always kiss the girl” but from now on I will be sticking with “when in doubt, keep your mouth shut”. As if the “true feelings” weren’t already painfully obvious, why ask what’s on my mind if you know to begin with? Are my words just fuel to your fire? Giving you more of an upperhand than you already had? For all I know, maybe he was blissfully unaware? I mean, he has read this blog. He isn’t THAT unaware, but I digress. Is it really better to get a punch in the face now than kick yourself later? Probably, but I wouldn’t know, because I got both of those at once. Silence always speaks louder than any words ever could. Of course my friends (love y’all by the way) are like “He’s stupid not to want you in his life because you’re the best”. A direct quote from Maddie. Everyone’s a little stupid. And while I appreciate their kind words and the smile’s they’ve brought me, it isn’t enough.

“The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. And that’s what you’ve given me. That’s what I’d hoped to give you forever”

Coudl I BE any more cliche, using The Notebook as reference points in my blog? It isn’t far off though. The fact of the matter is that some life events mean more to others. They effect each party involved in a different way. That is the impact he had on me. The impact I had on him, I won’t know. I would like to hope that it was at least a positive one.

“I miss you. I miss the sound of your voice in my ears. I miss the way I shook in your arms when I laughed. I miss the way your smile just brightened up my day, my world. I miss the way you made me feel, no one could ever make me feel the way you did.  I felt complete. I felt so happy and yet almost scared. I felt excited and overwhelmed. I felt so many things that it was hard to describe, sometimes it made me fumble over my words. I miss the way you were. I miss everything you said, everything you did made me smile and laugh. I miss the way you looked at me. I just kinda lose myself in your eyes, they’re so beautiful. I miss us. I miss being held in your arms. I miss being stupid with you. I miss listening to music with you, whether I like it or not, whether you like it or not. I miss holding your hands. I miss going on walks. I miss watching tv over the phone. I miss the feelings of your lips on mine. I miss slow dancing with you. I miss walking you home. I miss holding your hand until we fell asleep. I miss being with you. I miss you.”

okkk

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