Without a Title

11 Nov

I’ve written this post, or various versions of it, hundreds of times. Sometimes in my head, sometimes on my phone, or in my marketing notebook. But I never published any of them. I like to think I’m pretty good with words, but every single one of these drafts didn’t feel right. They did not effectively convey what I was trying to say, and maybe part of the problem was that I didn’t know exacty what I was trying to say. Honestly, I still don’t have a certain message I want to put out there, but boy do I have a lot to say.

This past weekend, contrary to my friend’s popular opinion, I went to Boone. That’s right, your favorite idiot went to the homeland of her ex-boyfriend. It was spur of the moment and I’m really fed up with Columbia right now, so I figured #yolo. I had to go to Charlotte anyway to return some sweaters, since that was the nearest Vineyard Vines store. Plus, I knew it would be good to see him.

It’s kind of weird to think about, because I hadn’t seen him in almost four months up until this past weekend. And of course the last time I actually saw him, I didn’t think this was where I would be four months in the future. It was the most perfect weekend, the one four months ago I mean. What girl doesnt enjoy a dinner/movie date followed by building a fort with her best guy? I drove out of Matthews that day not knowing things would change, and certainly not expecting them to. But they did. Life has a funny way of surprising you like that. And as I’m sure all of you know, we were not on good terms for a while. But, that’s normal. Couples rarely end things and can be cordial right after. I think everyones allowed to have their crazy dislike phase. I’m segwaying too far away from what I’m meaning to say. I think that’s a nervous habit. As much as I love blogging, I always get so scared that I’m going to put too much of myself out there, or type the wrong thing and have it come off badly, or something like that. Okay now I’m stalling. Anyway..

So I went to Boone. And it was great. Just to get out of the monotony that Columbia tends to bring was heavenly. It was a combination of the best and worst and easiest and hardest weekend of my life, and I’m still not sure if it was my best idea. But I did it, and now I’m left with all these feelings and thoughts. And I reeeeeeeally am sick of em to be honest.

It was great to be there. I always have a good time in Boone because it’s a place where I’m allowed to throw caution to the wind and not have to worry about work or school or the stresses that Cola town brings me. It was great to see Nathan. It was great to be there. The old and familiar is always welcoming, so is anything that brings out my real smile. Anyone who knows me knows how painfully fake my smile is 90% of the time.

It sucked being there. I’ve never in Boone and felt the way I did this weekend.

It was easy being there. I mean, what’s difficult about getting to chill with fun people in an environment that reminds you of everything that stresses you out….? Nothing. Nothing at all.

It was so hard being there, for a lot of the same reasons that it sucked being there.

____________________________________________________________________________________________

“That was so stupid.”

“?????”

“I just feel horrible. I knew it was dumb to go up anyway. It’s not like I brought anything up but it’s also not like that wasn’t in the back of my mind the whole time.”

“You weren’t dumb to go up. I mean you went for one reason or another.”

“I’m just sick of biting my tongue.”

“I mean I don’t really think it’s your place to say anthing. You just have to decide what exactly you can be okay with.”

“I don’t really know.”

“Then when you do, you need to say something.”

“It’s crazy that this same weekend last year I was up there, dealing with the same thing. At least I’m consistent.”

“So now what is the outcome this time around?”

“I don’t know. Last time was very different. I treated it differently last year, like the exact opposite. I didn’t say anything but I feel like I need to but I can’t. Like I physically cannot bring myself to.”

“That makes it so hard..”

“I mean it felt one way to me and for all I know it felt the exact opposite to him.”

“You may be right.”

“But the thing is I’ll never know. Well not never, but..”

“Unless you say something.”

“But right now I don’t know what the hell to say. And I don’t like not knowing. It’s hard enough to feel this way but why speak prematurely? I really shouldn’t bother. It’s probably for the best that I hold my tongue.”

“Why do you say that?”

“I don’t really know to be honest, but for once I would love to not be the person constantly putting myself on the line.”

“But that’s not gonna happen Abby. So you can say something, that way you don’t regret not saying anything. Like it may be one way, it may be another. But you can’t know unless you speak up.”

__________________________________________________________________________________________

I’ve battled with this post for months now, mostly because of my own indecisiveness in how I feel. I’ll level with guys here, girls really can be complicated. I say “right” when I actually mean “left”. I have felt a million and one ways about a million and two things in the past few months so it’s growing harder to keep em all straight. Just when I think I have it figured out, I find out that I don’t, and have to build from square one all over again.

Still planning on biting my tongue, by the way. Kind of. I mean, I guess in a way this post is me kiiiiiiind of opening my mouth, but then wimping out at the last second and only giving away so much info.

Like I said, it kills me to put myself on the line because it’s pretty common for the result to be exactly the opposite of what you expected, wanted, or hoped for. Why put myself through that any more than I already have? But at the same time, it’s like what the hell do I have left to lose? Not much, that’s for sure.

okkk

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