Archive | November, 2014

I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends

18 Nov

I finally did it. I sealed my fate with Nathan. Something I probably should have done months ago, but wasn’t ready to do until today.

“I’m not a convenience. I’m a girl with feelings. And he keeps hurting them.”

“Yeah, and you keep letting him. Which is the biggest problem here.”

“Exactly. He just needs to be a part of my life or not. No fair weather bullshit.”

“I really think the answer is for him to not be. When _____ and I broke up, we couldn’t be friends. And I think the thing is, we never could be, and still can’t be. We really care about one another, and want one another to be happy. But every time someone else broke us, we ran to one another. How is that fair?”

“It isn’t.”

“Ex lovers just can’t be friends. Not passionate ones anyways.”

“I think he has this great vision of us being able to be friends and shoot the shit and whatever but we can’t and that really is just because I don’t want that. I can’t go from having him be what I thought was “the one” to my freaking buddy. I can’t do that. I won’t do that.”

“Plus, imagine how that would go when you get significant others. You won’t be able to be friends. Your significant other won’t want you to be. _____ trusts me 100%, but I don’t think ex lovers should be trusted? I don’t want him being friends with his ex. Yeah, it’s over, but he loved her. And yeah, he loves me now, but he did love her. So F that. Like oh so casual, I imaged my future with that guy, how my kids would look with his eyes, how my couch would look with him napping on it. But, we are just friends. No. It doesn’t work that way.”

“It doesn’t, which is why it is so weird to me. I can’t get past what we were, because that is literally all we were. We didn’t have a long running frienship before we dated. We literally started talking, and that was it. We knew what we were getting into. Like do you just forget that? I don’t.”

“No, you don’t. I loved _____ and I can see I am his friend? But I can’t say our friendship should have been or should be trusted. Does that make sense?”

“It does.”

“Like we are friends as in don’t ever reach out to me unless you really need it. I went on vacation with him and ______ and ended up crying to ______ about him. That shouldn’t have been something that happened. Exes just can’t be friends. No matter how much you want them to be.”

“You’re right, like I know I don’t want to be his friend.”

“It really sucks.”

“Like I want to be his or nothing.”

“But it’s life. Better as a memory.”

“I don’t even know if I could say that. I’m still really mad and hurt and uspet by all he put me through and who he continues to turn me into today. I want to forget that part of me.”

“You won’t, so just forget that thought. But stop letting him ruin your days. Say all the mean things you have to say, and focus on moving forward.”

“I just want to know why it was so easy for him.”

“It might not be. Guys are weird. Theyre wired differently.”

“This whole thing is annoying he’s annoying life is annoying.

“Yeah, it is. But the sooner you stop pushing for it not to be over with him, the sooner it will be over. And if he lets that happen, then it absolutely should be over. And to be honest, you should stop trying to convince yourself that it should be or that he may ever change because honestly, it was not healthy. He didn’t appreciate what you guys had almost the entire time you two were together. Cheating once is one thing, but numerous is another. You’re chasing nothing. Nathan isn’t even the person you love. You love who you thought he was, who you wanted him to be. You love surprises, and letters, and dates, and talking about the future. Would you really want to drag on that immaturity to your future? Do you want a man like that by your side forever?”

“Well, it’s who he was, or pretended to be, for a while.”

“You guy’s aren’t that young anymore, and Nathan stil can’t fucking grow up. That’s not attractice. And I can’t see you being with someone like that. Like you went up there the other weekend and were careless. Is that who you want to be? Is that who you want to be with? Someone like that?”

“No, I don’t. But it’s just hard because for so long, I thought I knew what he was, I thought it was what you just said. The surprises and dates and the future. It’s just a tough pill to swallow to realize it isn’t.”

“Exactly. And no offense, but you bring yourself down for him.”

“I can’t say you’re wrong.”

“I don’t want to be right. And I understand love, and it being totally out of our hands, who we love. And I understand people changing, and all that good stuff, but at this point, is it hard to see the positive? You don’t want, or need something, that drives so many emotions through you. You need someone to create a stable life with. But before any of that, you need to create a stable and better you. You need to be secure, and motivated. You don’t need to go out and post things on social networks to impress him or make him jealous. You need to do all that because you are happy. And you aren’t right now. You aren’t even your main focus right now, because Nathan has been. You dropped everything, and your morals, just to see if he loved you. If he even cared.”

“And he doesn’t, so let’s just chalk that up as time wasted. The first time I made this mistake it wasn’t a waste, but now its round two. That’s a waste.”

“Noooooo, not at all. It took that for you to kind of realize you needed to stop putting effort into it. You shouldn’t be faulted for having a heart and caring and wanting to see the best in people. If he wants to fix it, he can, he should. Stop walking away and thinking youll regret it, and then turning around. You didn’t do this. You did everything right, so stop punishing yourself for this. You loved him, you drove miles for him, you did things with his mother, you didn’t give up, you forgave him. You fought with and for him more times than you should have. So stop thinking you could have done more. There is nothing wrong with you. And you are not unlovable or impossible to settle down with. So relax. Just know you didn’t break it to begin with. So stop picking up the pieces.”

——————————————————————————————————————————

Anyway, I ended it. I finally decided it was time to look out for number one; me.

After talking to several friends, my spirits were lifted immensely. I thoguht because this time, the end was on my terms, that it would be easier. Boooooooy was I wrong. I still cried, and second guessed myself, and felt a whole mess of feelings.

But speaking to another friend made me realize so much. I shouldn’t be punished for being selfless. She reitterated that it wasn’t that I was unlovable, we just weren’t on the same page. At all. Totally different novel even. And like… that’s okay. She knows us both, probably more than she’d like to sometimes. But god bless her for listening to this. Anyway, not on the same page. She mentioned how Nathan thinks maturely, but doesn’t execute things as such. And she’s right. He’s a smart guy, he knows how to make the right/adult choices. But he doesn’t always. I don’t always either, but I think it’s evident I’m more so on that page. I am ready for somethin’ real. I crave that kind of long term love, and whenever I find it, I’ll welcome it with arms wide open. But she said “One day he will realize what he missed out on. And you’re smart enough to realize when things are just too late.” I mean we talked for about fourty-five minutes, so lots was said. But I just felt so much better afterwards.

I’ll always love Nathan, rather, I’ll always have love for him. No matter all the ridiculous stuff that went on between us, I will always have a soft spot for that boy, formerly known as Merp. Love changes, it’s life. I no longer love him as my other half, my equal, my end of the line, my forever. I have love for him though. I don’t wish ill will upon him, in fact I want the best for him. I’m not sure what kind of “love” that is, but it’s something.

It doesn’t all make sense to me right now and thats okay, but it will someday, and I take solace knowing that.

okkk

Continuity

14 Nov

It has not been long since my last post, although I have written many drafts. From jotting notes in my phone to typing full fledged would-be posts, only to delete them at the last possible second. Well, the note in my phone has quite a few bullet points, so I’m going to carefully discuss all of them. So buckle up readers, this one’s a doozy. Maybe. I’m not sure yet. I promise it’ll be interesting.

First, I’ll start this with a story. Sunday night, I went to Starbucks with my big, because I had a paper to write and she had some people watching to do (for a class… it isn’t creepy). As we pulled up, we parked next to a blacked out Mercedes sedan. No biggie, lots of people drive those. I got out of the car and walked behind it to get onto the sidewalk, and noticed it had a Citadel alumni sticker. Oooooookay….. weird. I say to her “I really hope that isn’t Michael’s car…” and she goes “I’m sure it’s not! Lots of Citadel alums live in Columbia.” So we walk in and she looks around and says “See! Told you he wasn’t here!” and I turn around and who do I see but Michael… AWKO TACO Y’ALL. Aside from a few weird glances, we did not speak. He left about an hour into our study sesh, and the second he walked out the door I felt a buzz in my pocket. “I’m sorry. I was just so afraid.” And that confused me immensely. What about me could possibly be scary? I’m a five foot nothing blonde sorority girl who smiles and laughs at everything. But somehow… I scared a political lobbyist. When he said that, I felt powerful. That sounds really twisted, so hear me out. I have never had the upper hand with a guy before. It just isn’t something I’m used to. So for someone to fear me, was a new feeling entirely. He said he was still outside smoking a cigarette if I wanted to come say hi. I didn’t want to, just because I did not want to give off the wrong impression, but my big shot me that “be nice” look, so I went out to say hello. The first thing I say is “I’m already sick so I don’t want to be near nasty cigarettes and make this cough worse.” Gee Abbs, real nice….. He looked at me, smiled, and threw a freshly lit cigarette onto the ground, then stomped it out. Did someone seriously just listen to me instead of defying me? What parallel universe was this? We caught up, cut up, and I apologized for being such a scary srat star. I walked away and was suddenly reminded of what Lindsey had told me a while back, when the breakup was fresh. “Have you ever met someone, that is so perfect, that you just don’t want?” That’s exactly what Mike was. My parents would be thrilled if I dated someone like him. Graduated from a reputable school, has a career, no felonies, with the biggest heart, and who LISTENS TO WHAT I SAY (clearly this is new for me because I am still in shock). But, he’s just not for me. In theory, yes, but in reality, no.

Next, what I learned from the concept of a “Grab-a-guy” date function. Guys that we find in less than ten hours are more reliable than guys we’ve known for years. Grab-a-guy works like this: you get an email from your sorority telling you that there is a function THAT NIGHT and you are left with roughly ten hours to find a date, and an outfit. Fun, stressful, anxiety inducing, all elements of a great function. So, you finally have an excuse to ask the cutie you met a few weeks ago. You ask, and boom. You have a date. It is literally that easy. These guys are just as pressed for time as you, but they make it work. Did they plan on this function happening? No. Are they gonna go and have a damn good time? Absolutely. Guys you’ve known for years don’t even guarantee a response anymore.

Finally……. what I’ve worked so hard at crafting over the past day(s). I feel the need to be super careful with how I word it, but I’m not sure if I want to anymore.

A few nights ago, I was coaxed into finally saying how I felt. For those of you playing catch up, this is in reference to Nathan. So, I poured it all (some of it) out into the blog post preceeding this. That was a huge mistake. With 200% certainty it was recieved by the party intended, and after being coaxed into it, with no response, ouch. Just ouch. Someone once told me “when in doubt, always kiss the girl” but from now on I will be sticking with “when in doubt, keep your mouth shut”. As if the “true feelings” weren’t already painfully obvious, why ask what’s on my mind if you know to begin with? Are my words just fuel to your fire? Giving you more of an upperhand than you already had? For all I know, maybe he was blissfully unaware? I mean, he has read this blog. He isn’t THAT unaware, but I digress. Is it really better to get a punch in the face now than kick yourself later? Probably, but I wouldn’t know, because I got both of those at once. Silence always speaks louder than any words ever could. Of course my friends (love y’all by the way) are like “He’s stupid not to want you in his life because you’re the best”. A direct quote from Maddie. Everyone’s a little stupid. And while I appreciate their kind words and the smile’s they’ve brought me, it isn’t enough.

“The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. And that’s what you’ve given me. That’s what I’d hoped to give you forever”

Coudl I BE any more cliche, using The Notebook as reference points in my blog? It isn’t far off though. The fact of the matter is that some life events mean more to others. They effect each party involved in a different way. That is the impact he had on me. The impact I had on him, I won’t know. I would like to hope that it was at least a positive one.

“I miss you. I miss the sound of your voice in my ears. I miss the way I shook in your arms when I laughed. I miss the way your smile just brightened up my day, my world. I miss the way you made me feel, no one could ever make me feel the way you did.  I felt complete. I felt so happy and yet almost scared. I felt excited and overwhelmed. I felt so many things that it was hard to describe, sometimes it made me fumble over my words. I miss the way you were. I miss everything you said, everything you did made me smile and laugh. I miss the way you looked at me. I just kinda lose myself in your eyes, they’re so beautiful. I miss us. I miss being held in your arms. I miss being stupid with you. I miss listening to music with you, whether I like it or not, whether you like it or not. I miss holding your hands. I miss going on walks. I miss watching tv over the phone. I miss the feelings of your lips on mine. I miss slow dancing with you. I miss walking you home. I miss holding your hand until we fell asleep. I miss being with you. I miss you.”

okkk

Continued

12 Nov

After last nights’ post I got a lot of positive feedback about how much people love how honest I am in my posts. “Honest?” I thought, how on earth….? Sure it was the honest truth, but I didn’t write a whole lot of vivid details of what I’m feeling. Just that I was feeling them. Truthfully, I wish I could be more honest with what I write. I would love to go into every (seemingly) insignificant detail of my life and how I feel and what I feel and why I feel that way. But I can’t. And that is simply because I don’t know. I hardly know how I’m feeling half the time, let alone why I feel that way or what triggered it or whatever. So, I don’t see a need to write something when I’m not sure about it. I’m 100% certain about very few things, which is probably why I blog about them so much? But even when I am 100% certain, I’m not 100% certain that I should let my feelings be known. I’ve been burned way too many times by being open and honest and I guess I have finally learned my lesson. I hate that it has to be that way, like I’m being punished for being honest. But does it really have to be that way? I guess in some ways it does, and I also have to learn to deal with it. Which is for sure annoying, but I digress.

So I guess I’ll just be honest.

I know about four things for certain.

1. Navy is my color.

2. English bulldog puppies will exist in my future home.

3. Living in Columbia requires adding an extra fiftenn minutes to travel time due to the trains.

4. I still have some kind of feelings for that idiot/smart/annoying/funny/crazy freakin’ boy.

I’m not really sure what the feelings are, because there’s a lot of them. Those of rage and anger have subsided, but those of hurt and disgust have certainly not. Neither have those of compassion and love. I think it’s a little unrealistic to expect someone to stop caring for someone that instant. I mean, hello, these things take time. Something about him makes me want to kiss him and punch him in the face at the same time. It’s really annoying too because I don’t think I’ve ever had feelings that varied for one person. Although he may drive me up a wall sometimes, I cannot deny that he aids in putting the biggest smile on my face.

Interweb friends, there you have it. Honesty I’ve been evading for a while. I’m already punching myself in the face for writing this. So I sure hope someone appreciates my honesty.

okkk

Without a Title

11 Nov

I’ve written this post, or various versions of it, hundreds of times. Sometimes in my head, sometimes on my phone, or in my marketing notebook. But I never published any of them. I like to think I’m pretty good with words, but every single one of these drafts didn’t feel right. They did not effectively convey what I was trying to say, and maybe part of the problem was that I didn’t know exacty what I was trying to say. Honestly, I still don’t have a certain message I want to put out there, but boy do I have a lot to say.

This past weekend, contrary to my friend’s popular opinion, I went to Boone. That’s right, your favorite idiot went to the homeland of her ex-boyfriend. It was spur of the moment and I’m really fed up with Columbia right now, so I figured #yolo. I had to go to Charlotte anyway to return some sweaters, since that was the nearest Vineyard Vines store. Plus, I knew it would be good to see him.

It’s kind of weird to think about, because I hadn’t seen him in almost four months up until this past weekend. And of course the last time I actually saw him, I didn’t think this was where I would be four months in the future. It was the most perfect weekend, the one four months ago I mean. What girl doesnt enjoy a dinner/movie date followed by building a fort with her best guy? I drove out of Matthews that day not knowing things would change, and certainly not expecting them to. But they did. Life has a funny way of surprising you like that. And as I’m sure all of you know, we were not on good terms for a while. But, that’s normal. Couples rarely end things and can be cordial right after. I think everyones allowed to have their crazy dislike phase. I’m segwaying too far away from what I’m meaning to say. I think that’s a nervous habit. As much as I love blogging, I always get so scared that I’m going to put too much of myself out there, or type the wrong thing and have it come off badly, or something like that. Okay now I’m stalling. Anyway..

So I went to Boone. And it was great. Just to get out of the monotony that Columbia tends to bring was heavenly. It was a combination of the best and worst and easiest and hardest weekend of my life, and I’m still not sure if it was my best idea. But I did it, and now I’m left with all these feelings and thoughts. And I reeeeeeeally am sick of em to be honest.

It was great to be there. I always have a good time in Boone because it’s a place where I’m allowed to throw caution to the wind and not have to worry about work or school or the stresses that Cola town brings me. It was great to see Nathan. It was great to be there. The old and familiar is always welcoming, so is anything that brings out my real smile. Anyone who knows me knows how painfully fake my smile is 90% of the time.

It sucked being there. I’ve never in Boone and felt the way I did this weekend.

It was easy being there. I mean, what’s difficult about getting to chill with fun people in an environment that reminds you of everything that stresses you out….? Nothing. Nothing at all.

It was so hard being there, for a lot of the same reasons that it sucked being there.

____________________________________________________________________________________________

“That was so stupid.”

“?????”

“I just feel horrible. I knew it was dumb to go up anyway. It’s not like I brought anything up but it’s also not like that wasn’t in the back of my mind the whole time.”

“You weren’t dumb to go up. I mean you went for one reason or another.”

“I’m just sick of biting my tongue.”

“I mean I don’t really think it’s your place to say anthing. You just have to decide what exactly you can be okay with.”

“I don’t really know.”

“Then when you do, you need to say something.”

“It’s crazy that this same weekend last year I was up there, dealing with the same thing. At least I’m consistent.”

“So now what is the outcome this time around?”

“I don’t know. Last time was very different. I treated it differently last year, like the exact opposite. I didn’t say anything but I feel like I need to but I can’t. Like I physically cannot bring myself to.”

“That makes it so hard..”

“I mean it felt one way to me and for all I know it felt the exact opposite to him.”

“You may be right.”

“But the thing is I’ll never know. Well not never, but..”

“Unless you say something.”

“But right now I don’t know what the hell to say. And I don’t like not knowing. It’s hard enough to feel this way but why speak prematurely? I really shouldn’t bother. It’s probably for the best that I hold my tongue.”

“Why do you say that?”

“I don’t really know to be honest, but for once I would love to not be the person constantly putting myself on the line.”

“But that’s not gonna happen Abby. So you can say something, that way you don’t regret not saying anything. Like it may be one way, it may be another. But you can’t know unless you speak up.”

__________________________________________________________________________________________

I’ve battled with this post for months now, mostly because of my own indecisiveness in how I feel. I’ll level with guys here, girls really can be complicated. I say “right” when I actually mean “left”. I have felt a million and one ways about a million and two things in the past few months so it’s growing harder to keep em all straight. Just when I think I have it figured out, I find out that I don’t, and have to build from square one all over again.

Still planning on biting my tongue, by the way. Kind of. I mean, I guess in a way this post is me kiiiiiiind of opening my mouth, but then wimping out at the last second and only giving away so much info.

Like I said, it kills me to put myself on the line because it’s pretty common for the result to be exactly the opposite of what you expected, wanted, or hoped for. Why put myself through that any more than I already have? But at the same time, it’s like what the hell do I have left to lose? Not much, that’s for sure.

okkk