Think

17 Oct

You get caught up too easily because your heart wants to see the best in everything. It wants you to believe that everything will work out in this fairytale manner where broken hearts are mended and Nicholas Sparks romance comes to life. Thinking with your heart causes you to overlook things that should concern you, or make you think twice. Rather than reading into something, you don’t read into it at all. You take it for what it is. A nice comment is code for something good. A smile is more than just a smile. Your heart will take the simplest of things and make them an elaborate scene that’s too good to be true but you believe it anyways because you want it that badly. And who could blame you?

Your mind would tell you that your heart is an idiot. Your mind knows that an apology is not code for a third attempt. It knows that words are nothing but just that – words. That if someone wanted something bad enough, they’d see it through and not leave it up to chance. Chance doesn’t guarantee anything, except anxiety. Your mind will beat you up for being such a hopeless romantic and tell you to get a grip on reality. It’ll tell you how foolish your being, and to stop getting ahead of yourself. To stop preparing for the best, because it’ll never happen. Because why would it?

If I was really as smart as my transcipts led on, I would think with my mouth. I would stop biting my tongue for fear of rejection or hearing things I don’t particularly want to hear. I would just suck it up and bite the bullet and say what’s actually on my mind instead of passive-aggressively blogging my feelings in hopes someone will read them and pick up on the subliminal messages. Even though my mind knows that my mouth could never say enough to make sense of this mess, my mouth sure could try.

At the same time, your mind wants you to stay levelheaded, but it starts to reason with your heart. It wants to remember the time you left a lock with your initials on it at a bar in Southport, NC, the same weekend you got sunburnt in the whole 2 hours you spent on the beach but it wasn’t the time you fell asleep in Charleston and got an awkward tan line that no amount of aloe could soothe, kind of like the way pitchers at Parthenon soothed the blues of a busy week like the ones filled with the times you spent trying to help each other study for exams over skype except the calls always got dropped because campus wifi is so horrible and that brings you back to freshman year when it all started and you wonder where in the hell those days went and why they went in the first place.

And then your heart stops feeling the joy you felt last week, but instead it feels pain because what you’re thinking of are just memories, no matter how much your heart wants to keep living them. Hell, your mind might even convince you it could be a good idea. Not that it was hard work, because your heart never stopped thinking about it in the first place.

Before you know it, you’re running in circles having arguments with yourself and more confused than ever. Of course all this happens at the worst possible time. So now you aren’t only stressed about midterms, but this is consuming your thoughts as well. And as much as you don’t want it to, you need it to. Because you love the thoughts it brings to you, no matter how irrational or “wishful thinking” they are.

Your heart and mind and mouth could tell you all of these things but it doesn’t matter because there is another half of this equation that your heart and mind and mouth can’t control.

okkk

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