Delayed / I Can’t Hate You Anymore

6 Oct

So last week would have been a two year anniversary with Nathan. The following conversation ensued between a good friend and I.

“Today was our anniversary.”

“You’re right. It was. And since it no longer is, you have a change at a good life.”

“It’s weird though, to not feel anything.”

“It’s good though.”

“Like I thought I would feel something. I feel like I should.”

“I think you do feel something. Confusion. Still sad it happened but partially relieved because who knows if he would have ever changed. You wanted to celebrate today with him. For the last two years you thought you would be. Now here you are two years later, and you guys aren’t even friends. And that sucks, for the both of you.”

“You’re right, per usual, and it does suck.”

“It really does. He was all you truly had there too. Like him and his family, for support and love. I mean, you have more, but you were betting on him. He was your best friend and who you planned to spend your tomorrow’s with. You need to stop being mad or disappointed with yourself for feeling sadness. You are okay. And one day you will be good. And you’ll find love again.”

“I know I will but then again I don’t know if I will you know? Because I assumed it was with him like a sure thing which I kind of took for granted.”

“No, trust me. You will love again. The only thing that can stop you from loving again is yourself. There is no once in a lifetime love. Ther are so many humans in this country alone. So many are beautiful or will make you laugh or will make you a better you. So many would be a great father or life partner. And you can really love anyone you want to. Do I want to live without ______? No. Could I? Yes. I did before and I could again.”

“Understandable. Even though it has ben two months, it still feels kind of fresh. How does that even make sense?”

“It’s fresh indeed. It won’t get better right away. And you won’t stop loving him until you fall for someone else. You have nothing to invest those strong feelings into right now. Like who else can you think about in that sort of way right now, know what I mean?”

“And the thing is that I don’t know. I feel like I’m afraid to, because I’m still not over it.”

“Been there, felt that way. Abby, _______ and I broke up when I was going into my junior year… yet I was still hung up on him my freshman year of college. After kissing many other cuties and having many chances to move on, it takes time. Too much time. But it happens, when we finally let it. When we are ready to replace those memories. He will always cross your mind. Even when someone else takes over your heart. He changed you. He loved you. And you loved him. And now, you grow. You explore. And eventually, when you least expect it, you love again. The thing is though, you are never going to love again, the way you loved Nathan. Each love is different so you won’t ever completely replace him, you won’t forget him. It won’t undo what you two had. None of that.”

“Yeah, and in a way that’s a good thing and in another it makes me crazy because aside from him screwing up so much, I loved our love and I would love it again, but knowing I don’t get it again is what’s hard because like most people, I like to get my way. And it’s throwing me off because I didnt expect to have to change my path and learn and try again. Like I thought I had it in the bag.”

“I don’t think anyone expects love to fall apart. But they always make life work after. And you seem stronger and happier than most, so I have no worries in you figuring it out. And you say you loved your love, but you loved the way you loved Nathan. Did you really love the way he loved you?”

“Well, I loved the way I thought he loved me.”

“Now that you know the truth behind everything.”

“Which is a tough pill to swallow.”

“Of course it is. I don’t know. It was a good relationship at the time. But his actions, the ones behind your back, the way he handled it every time he tried to let you go.”

“It was to my knowledge, and I really can’t discount that.”

“But think of having that as a life partner. Someone who runs every single time it gets hard. Living every day with someone like that.”

“It’s scary. And like, it sucks because I wanted so badly to make him better. But I learned that you can’t make someone better who genuinely doesn’t want to change.”

“I think women should be independent and having goals and all that, but I think men should be the strong one; your rock. And every once in a while, you should have to be theirs. Nathan was too weak to make you guys work, or at least to make himself work.”

“And I’ll always wish it was different.”

“No you don’t. Because you’re not what he wanted. He didn’t want to change for you, or for himself. And he won’t change for a long time, if he does at all. And you won’t always wish he did. Because one day you are gonna find someone that made you realize there was a reason Nathan sucked.”

“I just don’t get why I wasn’t what he wanted. I know he can never say I wasn’t enough, after all the sacrifices I made and how many times I went above and beyond for him, but I still feel that way regardless of what I know is true.”

“You shouldn’t have to worry that much about keeping a functioning relationship. or wonder who they are talking to when you aren’t around, or if they’re sober, or if they’re even alive at that point. You just weren’t what he wanted. Have you felt that way before? Someone is so perfect, or kind, was not what you wanted? That’s life. It sucks, but it happens. And no offense, but I think that Nathan realized early on that you weren’t what he wanted. That’s why he wasn’t loyal. Stable people are loyal. He wanted to love you, because you were so perfect.”

“Then he should have had the balls to end it the first time he cheated, way back freshman year, instead of keeping a pile of secrets for almost two years.”

“You’re right. He should have ”

“I don’t know. I tried. There’s nothing left of the situation for me to smile at. Right now I can only look at it with disappointment and regret.”

“But you won’t always. Right now though, that’s understandable.”

“I hope he reads it. But I also hope he doesn’t. I hope he feels miserable forever, but I also hope he’s happy. Everything is mixed.”

“Well, you hope he is miserable, until you no longer are.”

———————————————————————————————————————————————————————–

Is this what growing up is? Seeing your ex boyfriend pop up on your LinkedIn as people you may know? The internet can be so cruel. But, I’m at a point where that actually didn’t bother me. Sure, I’ve been having recurring nightmares involving him and his family and some random scrawny punk rock girl he replaced me with in said dream. He doesn’t strike me as the type to move from sorority girl to screamo fan. Anyways, Nathan, if you’re reading this, know that I hated you. Hear me out here..

I hated you in the worst way, from the second the relationship ended, until about a week ago (I know you’ll enjoy rap references). Trust me, I didn’t want to hate you. I never actually thought I could hate you. I mean hello…. after everything that happened and I still looked you in the eyes to tell you I loved you (and meant it). But, at the end of July, I knew hate. And I hated hating you.. if that makes sense. Again, I didn’t want to. But I had to. I couldn’t look at you the same, and I don’t necessarily think I ever will, but I can at least remember you without feeling rage and hurt. Although it took a few tries, I’m glad it’s finally happened. You deserved a lot of how I reacted, but I don’t know if I would go as far to say as you deserved to be hated. Sure, I did my fair share of complaining about the monster you were to my friends, as I’m sure you did too. But that’s done. The last time we spoke, it hurt. It really did. I don’t think either of us meant to hurt one another per se, but we were young and in such a weird situation, we just gave it our best shot. And I think that shot was pretty good while it lasted. Thank you for teaching me more than I ever thought I would get out of a college relationship. Wishing you nothing but the best, sometimes always.

okkk

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