Archive | October, 2014

The Price of Beauty//Why Men Aren’t Confusing

30 Oct

I’d like to start this with a rant. I started breaking out earlier this week, and that was not going to fly with me for very long. I was running low on my skincare products, so I headed to work early to stock up. I went to the Clinique counter in Belk and was immediately helped by a skincare expert. Apparently I had been using the wrong combination of products…. nice. So, she set me up with one that was more tailored to my skin type. She also showed me an acne spot treatment serum, which would help when I was in a pinch. I also had a question about a way to hide my dark circles. Rather than making simple lifestyle changes like working less or sleeping more, I turned to the holy grail. Except when I went to pay, the grand total was far more than I expected. $40 for an eye rollerball serum thing that would make my under-eyes beautiful in 12 weeks? Is that a joke? I am paying an obscene amount to feel pretty. That is ridiculous. Here I am, complaining about that, when I know people who are having plastic surgeries for health reasons, but also for themselves so they can feel better. Who said big boobs were ugly? Who said dark circles weren’t cute? Why why why are we taught not to embrace who we are but to change it to keep fitting some kind of beauty standard? Who comes up with these BS standards anyway?

End rant.

Now, today I realized something that changed my outlook on everything. Men are not confusing, girls are just foolish. Ladies, hear me out on this. Men, don’t jump ahead and inflate your egos now. But it’s true. When girls complain about guys being confusing, it is usually pertaining to some sort of “mixed signal” they are being sent. But hey, fun fact, guys aren’t thinking about trying to confuse you. They aren’t really trying to confuse you either. They aren’t thinking anywhere near as much about the situation at hand as you are. Do not flatter yourself and think that he is TRYING to keep you on your toes. Guys just don’t see it that way. I know as girls we love to/cannot help but to overthink things. We create thousands of potential scenarios in our heads, when in reality, none of them are usually how things play out. So, we hype ourselves up for something that we created. A simple “hello” turns into a “he wants me”. An “I’m sorry” translates to “He loves me”. But none of that is true. It couldn’t be farther from the truth. But it doesn’t help when our gal pals are feeding into our scenario building and going along with it. Like, no. Why isn’t someone slapping us and telling us to get a grip.

I start to get confused about so many parts of my life, and it is rarely because a situation is actually confusing. It’s because I make it confusing. I am so guilty of overthinking to the point where I get physically ill. And then it hit me like a big yellow school bus, it’s all for nothing. BUT, in our defense, girls only overthink things because we strive for the best possible outcome so we want to be prepared for any possible outcome. We love good surprises, but we hate bad ones, so we mentally prepare for the worst while still planning and hoping for the best, or something decent, or the good and the bad. Literally, infinite possibilities. I think we need to just stop. Take things for what they are. Hello means hello. An apology is just an apology. Everything is what it is until it is proved or said to be otherwise. If someone says “Hey, I want you” then yeah, they want you. But assuming and twisting anothers words around to mean something totally different only screws with our minds and our own perception of the situation. Sometimes, you can even convince yourself that they actually said “I want you” instead of “hello”. I’m not saying it’s right, but I’m saying it happens.

But it shouldn’t.

okkk

Think

17 Oct

You get caught up too easily because your heart wants to see the best in everything. It wants you to believe that everything will work out in this fairytale manner where broken hearts are mended and Nicholas Sparks romance comes to life. Thinking with your heart causes you to overlook things that should concern you, or make you think twice. Rather than reading into something, you don’t read into it at all. You take it for what it is. A nice comment is code for something good. A smile is more than just a smile. Your heart will take the simplest of things and make them an elaborate scene that’s too good to be true but you believe it anyways because you want it that badly. And who could blame you?

Your mind would tell you that your heart is an idiot. Your mind knows that an apology is not code for a third attempt. It knows that words are nothing but just that – words. That if someone wanted something bad enough, they’d see it through and not leave it up to chance. Chance doesn’t guarantee anything, except anxiety. Your mind will beat you up for being such a hopeless romantic and tell you to get a grip on reality. It’ll tell you how foolish your being, and to stop getting ahead of yourself. To stop preparing for the best, because it’ll never happen. Because why would it?

If I was really as smart as my transcipts led on, I would think with my mouth. I would stop biting my tongue for fear of rejection or hearing things I don’t particularly want to hear. I would just suck it up and bite the bullet and say what’s actually on my mind instead of passive-aggressively blogging my feelings in hopes someone will read them and pick up on the subliminal messages. Even though my mind knows that my mouth could never say enough to make sense of this mess, my mouth sure could try.

At the same time, your mind wants you to stay levelheaded, but it starts to reason with your heart. It wants to remember the time you left a lock with your initials on it at a bar in Southport, NC, the same weekend you got sunburnt in the whole 2 hours you spent on the beach but it wasn’t the time you fell asleep in Charleston and got an awkward tan line that no amount of aloe could soothe, kind of like the way pitchers at Parthenon soothed the blues of a busy week like the ones filled with the times you spent trying to help each other study for exams over skype except the calls always got dropped because campus wifi is so horrible and that brings you back to freshman year when it all started and you wonder where in the hell those days went and why they went in the first place.

And then your heart stops feeling the joy you felt last week, but instead it feels pain because what you’re thinking of are just memories, no matter how much your heart wants to keep living them. Hell, your mind might even convince you it could be a good idea. Not that it was hard work, because your heart never stopped thinking about it in the first place.

Before you know it, you’re running in circles having arguments with yourself and more confused than ever. Of course all this happens at the worst possible time. So now you aren’t only stressed about midterms, but this is consuming your thoughts as well. And as much as you don’t want it to, you need it to. Because you love the thoughts it brings to you, no matter how irrational or “wishful thinking” they are.

Your heart and mind and mouth could tell you all of these things but it doesn’t matter because there is another half of this equation that your heart and mind and mouth can’t control.

okkk

Rapid Change

10 Oct

Since my last post, I feel like a lot has changed.

I have cut ties with Michael. And, a lot of people attribute it to the fact that I no longer hate Nathan. Where do people come up with this crap…? Anyway, the ties are cut. And it has nothing to do with him being a bad guy. He was a great guy, went above and beyond any expectations, treated me well, was funny (sometimes), among other things. He had potential, but I just am not ready. After a longish phone call with my dad, I realize that’s okay. I think I went into things with Mike for the wrong reasons, and that isn’t fair to him. A big part of me was afraid of being alone, and Mike was the first decent guy post-breakup so I went full force into that. And that’s what I did. I forced it. It just felt forced. Like there were a lot of geniunely awesome moments with him, but at the end of the day I would go home and wonder what the hell I was doing. And of course I know how happy he was with everything so I wanted to be happy too, but it just didn’t feel right. And when something doesn’t feel right, it usually isn’t.

But, Nathan and I are on good terms. Shoutout to his fraternity brother for telling him to read the previous gem. And I’m glad because as you all know, I hated hating him. We were talking today, I forget about what, but I said something about “I’ll pay you in Admiral Nelson” which for those of you who may luckily be unaware, it was his favorite (horrible/cheap/gross) rum. He responded with “I’ve since moved on to bigger and better things!” and that caught me off guard. Like what? I don’t even know you anymore. And that seriously bummed me out. I realized I didn’t want to not know him, I didn’t want him to become a stranger.

okkk

Delayed / I Can’t Hate You Anymore

6 Oct

So last week would have been a two year anniversary with Nathan. The following conversation ensued between a good friend and I.

“Today was our anniversary.”

“You’re right. It was. And since it no longer is, you have a change at a good life.”

“It’s weird though, to not feel anything.”

“It’s good though.”

“Like I thought I would feel something. I feel like I should.”

“I think you do feel something. Confusion. Still sad it happened but partially relieved because who knows if he would have ever changed. You wanted to celebrate today with him. For the last two years you thought you would be. Now here you are two years later, and you guys aren’t even friends. And that sucks, for the both of you.”

“You’re right, per usual, and it does suck.”

“It really does. He was all you truly had there too. Like him and his family, for support and love. I mean, you have more, but you were betting on him. He was your best friend and who you planned to spend your tomorrow’s with. You need to stop being mad or disappointed with yourself for feeling sadness. You are okay. And one day you will be good. And you’ll find love again.”

“I know I will but then again I don’t know if I will you know? Because I assumed it was with him like a sure thing which I kind of took for granted.”

“No, trust me. You will love again. The only thing that can stop you from loving again is yourself. There is no once in a lifetime love. Ther are so many humans in this country alone. So many are beautiful or will make you laugh or will make you a better you. So many would be a great father or life partner. And you can really love anyone you want to. Do I want to live without ______? No. Could I? Yes. I did before and I could again.”

“Understandable. Even though it has ben two months, it still feels kind of fresh. How does that even make sense?”

“It’s fresh indeed. It won’t get better right away. And you won’t stop loving him until you fall for someone else. You have nothing to invest those strong feelings into right now. Like who else can you think about in that sort of way right now, know what I mean?”

“And the thing is that I don’t know. I feel like I’m afraid to, because I’m still not over it.”

“Been there, felt that way. Abby, _______ and I broke up when I was going into my junior year… yet I was still hung up on him my freshman year of college. After kissing many other cuties and having many chances to move on, it takes time. Too much time. But it happens, when we finally let it. When we are ready to replace those memories. He will always cross your mind. Even when someone else takes over your heart. He changed you. He loved you. And you loved him. And now, you grow. You explore. And eventually, when you least expect it, you love again. The thing is though, you are never going to love again, the way you loved Nathan. Each love is different so you won’t ever completely replace him, you won’t forget him. It won’t undo what you two had. None of that.”

“Yeah, and in a way that’s a good thing and in another it makes me crazy because aside from him screwing up so much, I loved our love and I would love it again, but knowing I don’t get it again is what’s hard because like most people, I like to get my way. And it’s throwing me off because I didnt expect to have to change my path and learn and try again. Like I thought I had it in the bag.”

“I don’t think anyone expects love to fall apart. But they always make life work after. And you seem stronger and happier than most, so I have no worries in you figuring it out. And you say you loved your love, but you loved the way you loved Nathan. Did you really love the way he loved you?”

“Well, I loved the way I thought he loved me.”

“Now that you know the truth behind everything.”

“Which is a tough pill to swallow.”

“Of course it is. I don’t know. It was a good relationship at the time. But his actions, the ones behind your back, the way he handled it every time he tried to let you go.”

“It was to my knowledge, and I really can’t discount that.”

“But think of having that as a life partner. Someone who runs every single time it gets hard. Living every day with someone like that.”

“It’s scary. And like, it sucks because I wanted so badly to make him better. But I learned that you can’t make someone better who genuinely doesn’t want to change.”

“I think women should be independent and having goals and all that, but I think men should be the strong one; your rock. And every once in a while, you should have to be theirs. Nathan was too weak to make you guys work, or at least to make himself work.”

“And I’ll always wish it was different.”

“No you don’t. Because you’re not what he wanted. He didn’t want to change for you, or for himself. And he won’t change for a long time, if he does at all. And you won’t always wish he did. Because one day you are gonna find someone that made you realize there was a reason Nathan sucked.”

“I just don’t get why I wasn’t what he wanted. I know he can never say I wasn’t enough, after all the sacrifices I made and how many times I went above and beyond for him, but I still feel that way regardless of what I know is true.”

“You shouldn’t have to worry that much about keeping a functioning relationship. or wonder who they are talking to when you aren’t around, or if they’re sober, or if they’re even alive at that point. You just weren’t what he wanted. Have you felt that way before? Someone is so perfect, or kind, was not what you wanted? That’s life. It sucks, but it happens. And no offense, but I think that Nathan realized early on that you weren’t what he wanted. That’s why he wasn’t loyal. Stable people are loyal. He wanted to love you, because you were so perfect.”

“Then he should have had the balls to end it the first time he cheated, way back freshman year, instead of keeping a pile of secrets for almost two years.”

“You’re right. He should have ”

“I don’t know. I tried. There’s nothing left of the situation for me to smile at. Right now I can only look at it with disappointment and regret.”

“But you won’t always. Right now though, that’s understandable.”

“I hope he reads it. But I also hope he doesn’t. I hope he feels miserable forever, but I also hope he’s happy. Everything is mixed.”

“Well, you hope he is miserable, until you no longer are.”

———————————————————————————————————————————————————————–

Is this what growing up is? Seeing your ex boyfriend pop up on your LinkedIn as people you may know? The internet can be so cruel. But, I’m at a point where that actually didn’t bother me. Sure, I’ve been having recurring nightmares involving him and his family and some random scrawny punk rock girl he replaced me with in said dream. He doesn’t strike me as the type to move from sorority girl to screamo fan. Anyways, Nathan, if you’re reading this, know that I hated you. Hear me out here..

I hated you in the worst way, from the second the relationship ended, until about a week ago (I know you’ll enjoy rap references). Trust me, I didn’t want to hate you. I never actually thought I could hate you. I mean hello…. after everything that happened and I still looked you in the eyes to tell you I loved you (and meant it). But, at the end of July, I knew hate. And I hated hating you.. if that makes sense. Again, I didn’t want to. But I had to. I couldn’t look at you the same, and I don’t necessarily think I ever will, but I can at least remember you without feeling rage and hurt. Although it took a few tries, I’m glad it’s finally happened. You deserved a lot of how I reacted, but I don’t know if I would go as far to say as you deserved to be hated. Sure, I did my fair share of complaining about the monster you were to my friends, as I’m sure you did too. But that’s done. The last time we spoke, it hurt. It really did. I don’t think either of us meant to hurt one another per se, but we were young and in such a weird situation, we just gave it our best shot. And I think that shot was pretty good while it lasted. Thank you for teaching me more than I ever thought I would get out of a college relationship. Wishing you nothing but the best, sometimes always.

okkk