Archive | September, 2014

Happy Anniversary

30 Sep

Today is my “would-be” two year anniversary. I celebrated it by buying myself a gift and having a guilt free milkshake after work.

That doesn’t mean the actual meaning behind this day didn’t cross my mind at least once.

I knew this day would come, and I didn’t know what kind of feelings it would bring. I didn’t know if I should expect to sit in bed and cry, or to drive in my car and smile. I didn’t know if I would feel alone, or if I would feel complete.

But, I don’t really know what I feel. And I don’t like that. Even though it’s just a stupid day, it was a day that held a lot of meaning for a good chunk of my life. So in a weird way, I wish I felt something. I don’t feel alone, because I’m surrounded by so many wonderful people every day of my life. I don’t feel complete, because a piece of me is still being rebuilt. I don’t want to cry, because this isn’t worth tears. I don’t want to smile, because I’m not 100% happy. Maybe what I’m feeling is nothing. Maybe I’m not supposed to feel something. Maybe this is a good thing.

It’s kind of weird to wrap my head around the fact that I’ve been single for two months now. What do I have to show for it? Some dates, some 5 Points hot mess-fests, some nights brought in with tears and mornings brought in with hangovers. Some days filled with laugter and surrounded by friends, and lonely hours where I was left to be with my thoughts (dangerous). It’s not consistent yet. I’m not consistently over what happened. Because some days I feel nothing and am like “Good riddance ya dunce”, which is good kind of. But other days I’m like “no wait why stahp come back” which is bad kind of. But it’s all normal, right? People feel this way? I’m not crazy?

As much as I give advice to countless friends and strangers about relationships, I’ll be honest. I am nowhere near a professional here. My only advice and skills are because of all the friend’s relationships I’ve seen rise and fall, because I’ve only had two real boyfriends in my life. Read: LAMEO. But, I must be doing something right because people seem to continuously flock to me like I have all the answers. And maybe I do, just not for myself. Not right now anyway. Which is frustrating beyond belief because well….hello…. I would like to get past all these stupid feelings.

I don’t know how he felt today. I won’t know how he felt today. Half of me hates that and half of me is okay with it. Half of me needs to cut it out because while mixed drinks may be okay, mixed feelings are not. It’s like a constant inner battle that I feel like no matter what happens, I am losing. Maybe I’m over thinking and being too cautious. I dont want to hurt feelings with my words, but I also don’t want to dance around how I’m really feeling. And I’m sure most of the world is so sick of hearing about this but I have no apologies. I’m just trying to figure this all out and keeping it bottled up isn’t conducive to that. So….. here lie my feels. So, until such confusion and feelings leave my body, they’ll stay here, because there really isn’t another place for them. I won’t talk to my friends about it, because I don’t want to bore them with the details. I won’t talk to him about it, for countless reasons. I won’t talk to my parents about it, because I just don’t want to (sorry mom).

In the mean time, let’s just hope I can kind of get my life together. Parts of it at least, because this anniversary was just a sad reminder that I don’t have it together.

okkk

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A Public Apology // Realizations

8 Sep

It was brought to my attention that my most recent post could be viewed in less than savory ways. So, let me elaborate.

My mother mentioned that I should make it clear that I am not taking away from any of the wonderful things Nathan brought into my life. In no way, shape, or form, was I saying that I wasn’t eternally grateful for what he had given me. That goes for his family as well. They welcomed me into their home with open arms on countless occasions and treated me as one of their own. Nathan showed me parts of the south I probably never would have bothered to see; Charlotte, Southport, Wilmington, Boone, just to name a few. I am not discounting any of the experiences I had with him in that post. I mean hello, we were together for two years for a reason. So I would like to apologize to him and his family if they felt in any way that the previous post was a jab at them.

I would also like to make it abundantly clear that I am not wanting to be spiteful for him. Instead of being miserable and upset and hating him, I am choosing happiness. Wouldn’t anyone? There is nothing to be gained by harboring hate in your heart for a circumstance you can’t change. In the last month or so, countless people have come to me asking for advice about their relationships coming to an end. That is the best piece of advice I can give you. The more you mill on being bitter and time you spend hating them is precious time you could spend finding whatever makes you happy. Some people like going out, some people paint, and others work out. ANYTHING literally anything except harping on the situation is better. 

Anyway, I’m feeling the need to clarify for a few reasons. Some people (ie my mother) mentioned to me that the post could be misconstrued and I am not out to hurt feelings or make a negative name for myself. This is my creative space to vent and put my feelings out there. I apologize to anyone who was offended if they came across in a disrepsectful manner. That was in no way my intent.

I had a nightmare of sorts the other night. The details are long, confusing, and kind of boring. But it brought back all the negative I had been feeling. And honestly, a lot of those feelings probably came back because of all the negative things I heard from other people coming to me for advice. Not that I’m not totally flattered when people come to me, because believe me I am. But I am still working on my own things, and it’s sometimes hard to give advice when truthfully I haven’t got a clue what I’m even doing. I realized it was okay to feel the way I do. Things ended so horribly bad. It’s okay for me to not be 100% over it. I mean, he was my first real love. That feels too weird to type. But, he was. There were so many parts of my life planned in relation to an “us”. I planned on getting to take pictures after graduation on the horsehoe WITH HIM. I planned weekend trips to various locations WITH HIM. I planned an English bulldog puppy WITH HIM. I planned on him in general, and I suppose it was foolish of me to put all my eggs in one basket. Pretending I’m not hurt and upset over this is stupid. I will be the first to admit I love to put on a strong face because it is so much easier than talking about it so here I am, typing about it. There will always be some stupid chunk of my heart that has love for him. I care deeply about him, and I always will. If I just up and forgot all about him after that much time was spent dedicated to him, you could definitely call me heartless. It’s not really fair that now I get to sit and question every aspect of the relationship wondering if it was a lie or what parts of it were fabricated and whatnot. I wonder if the “I love you’s” were sincere. So I’m going to choose to be ignorant to all that and assume it was 100% real first love. I don’t at all wish for him to be miserable. I just wish to be happy, myself. I didn’t do anything wrong here, but I was on the other side of that, which still hurts. He has his own deal to work out, and I can’t hold that against him. And I don’t. I can’t say I didn’t try to help him as best as I could, but apparently it wasn’t enough or wasn’t right or something. It really does suck, but it is absolutely for the best that he ended it. Nothing would have changed. We just weren’t right for each other right now. I was on one page and he was on quite another. That’s okay. I knew what I wanted, and I really don’t know if he did or not? But I think now he has a better handle on that so that’s good. Most people would write this off as a waste of time, but it was anything but. I have learned so much about myself, both from the relationship itself and the breakup. And, those were some of the best years of my life. I will always wonder what they meant to him, if anything at all. But I know they meant the world to me, and I’m glad I got that experience. As my good friend Lindsey said to me, “breathing gets a little bit easier every day”. I just need to stop making myself feel about about feeling bad. So, if you’re feeling this way, I promise it’s okay. I promise it gets better. I promise. Just hold on.

okkk