An Open Letter

23 Aug

To whoever you may be;

Loss is a horrible thing. We all go through it. We lose people that we never imagined losing. We lose people we never wanted to lose. But loss is inevitable. That doesn’t make it any easier to deal with though. The fact of the matter is, you don’t have a choice.

Harping on the loss of a once-loved one (yes, we’re talking ex’s) is obviously not an effective way to deal with said loss. Everyone is allowed to have their sad day; the day you sit in bed and cry and get emotional and eat Ben & Jerry’s and feel all kinds of other stupid feelings. Scratch that, feelings aren’t stupid. Annoying and hard to deal with? Absolutely. But stupid? No way. That sounds crazy right? Because were all SUPPOSED to be sad and upset and hurting after the loss right? NO. NO. NO!

You are allowed to feel however you want about it. I think once word spreads about a loss, everyone expects you to feel sad and miserable and lost and pathetic. Surprise them. If you’re not actually sad, don’t pretend to be. If you’re not actually happy, don’t create a facade. My first piece of advice on dealing with loss is for you to be honest with how you feel. I was sad for all of 15 hours, and then I realized the good in goodbye (see my previous post). And if you start to feel happy, embrace it! Don’t go looking for happiness in the bottom of a wine bottle or in the corner of Pavs. If it comes to you, welcome it with open arms. If someone asks how you feel, dont say “I’m fine” to spare them the misery of your “sob” story. If you feel sad, tell em. If you’re the happiest person on the earth, tell em. 

Second of all, understand that it does get better. The initial feeling too many people get after this loss is they will be forever alone. That is such crap, and it is horrible to hear people think that they have lost their shot at love because it didn’t work with one stupid person. Are you joking? Do you know how wonderful you are? Do you know how many people care about you and have love for you? No? Well, look around. And find out. And then, realize, that you will never be alone. 

Third, go out. Have fun. Meet new people. Yeah, it is a big adjustment to go from having one person around you to care for you immensely to not knowing what the next move is, but it doesn’t have to be miserable. A best friend will profess their love for you, or the barista will give you their number. See where these little opportunities go. Have fun with them. If you go on a blind date and the guy is a total weirdo, lesson learned. If you let the barista/law student take you out, you may have that spark of hope ignite all over again. You can’t limit yourself to your couch and netflix and a bottle of Barefoot wine. If you’re so scared of being forever alone (which is BS anyway but I digress), do you really think sitting on the couch will change that? NO! Cute guys don’t wander into your apartment. So go out. Meet people. Lose the fear, it’s not a good look for anyone. 

Fourth: learn to trust again. If your ex cheated on you, lied to you, hid things from you, or any combination of the above, you may find it especially hard to trust others again. And I mean, rightfully so. The one person you thought you could trust more than anyone betrayed you, and made you look like a fool. Thats a pretty big slap in the face to take and wear those scars daily. But thinking that every person is the same in this respect isn’t conducive to getting over it. Not everyone will hurt you. Some people will lift you up higher than you ever thought possible. On the contrary, some people will bury you deeper than you ever imagined with their selfish actions. Assuming the worst won’t help you avoid being hurt. Pain is inevitable, and it demands to be felt. Just grit your teeth, get through it, and learn from it. Learn. To. Trust. Eventually, you’ll find the one who you won’t have to question. 

“But why do I think it’ll be different every single time?”

“Because you’re hoping you’re wrong. And every time they do something that tells you they’re no good, you ignore it. And every time they comes through and suprise you, they win you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that they aren not for you.”

And finally, relax. Everyone deals with it. You aren’t alone. Everyone has felt this way before:

“I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn’t know you had inside you. And it doesn’t matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends… you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he’ll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you’ll go somewhere new. And you’ll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.”

 

Smile. You’re wonderful with or without the extra 160 pounds of jerky ex-lover.

okkk

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