Archive | August, 2014

Spite

30 Aug

This whole breakup has made me feel especially spiteful towards him. Which sounds awful but I’m pretty sure most people don’t have well wishes for those who have lied to them/cheated on them/etc. I have never wanted to see someone get hurt as much as I wanted some girl to completely rock him (in the bad way), twice as badly as he ever hurt me. I say the dumbest spiteful stuff because I can. Because I’m mad. I’m hurt. And this will probably hurt me for a long time to come. So, fair is fair, right?

Yeah, fair definitely is fair. But, I realized that another girl breaking his heart wouldn’t be near enough emotional damage to compare to what I was put through. Hence, the happy revenge.

I AM SO HAPPY I CANNOT STAND IT. I met a wonderful man; a graduate from The Citadel working for the South Carolina state government; and he is just incredible. I had that shred of hopelessness in my system post-breakup, but this man made me realize that no, I am not hopeless. I am a catch, and I can find happiness very easily. We are vacating to Charleston, SC for the long weekend to catch his alma mater’s football game and just enjoy the Holy City. I don’t care how this makes him feel, but all I care to know is that this makes me immensely happy, and that is enough for me to feel like I’ve won. This isn’t a competition by any means, but few things are more satisfying than feeling on top of the world. I also get to look cute too – a new 15 pound weight loss came out of nowhere and I am not complaining. My smile is brighter and my eyes are bluer. Happiness is radiating out of the darkest corners of my life.

Talking to Hailey about this helped a lot. Apparently I’m not the only girl who does the whole spiteful/happy revenge thing. So that at least makes me feel better. No girl likes to feel like she’s out of line. Actually, the vast majority of girls are okay with being batshit crazy, but I am not. I don’t want to feel this way about Nathan, I really don’t. I spent two years of my life, faithfuly dedicated to him. It sucks he can’t say the same. I don’t exactly like looking back on things and feeling stupid or hateful towards people. Typically you can find me with a smile and just exuding happiness. Which I am right now, to everyone in the world. I hope he’s happy and all that other sappy stuff, absolutely. I don’t feel the need to text him and make sure he’s doing well though. I’m sure he will find happiness in whatever he does, as I have done in my life. 

I know I am not alone in saying petty things about my ex and his friends that are girls or stupid choices he made or just overall sounding stupid. I have heard every single person I know, including him, say less than savory things about their ex’s. If he is saying stuff about me, that’s fine. I’m not saying he has any reason to (because he doesn’t) but if he chooses to, whatevaaaaaa. It’s all good. He shouldn’t care what I’m saying (and I’m sure he doesn’t anyway) because in the end, we all know who we really are, so the words of others should only hurt if theyre true.

 

Some say that massive success is the best revenge; I have found that it is happiness. 

okkk

An Open Letter

23 Aug

To whoever you may be;

Loss is a horrible thing. We all go through it. We lose people that we never imagined losing. We lose people we never wanted to lose. But loss is inevitable. That doesn’t make it any easier to deal with though. The fact of the matter is, you don’t have a choice.

Harping on the loss of a once-loved one (yes, we’re talking ex’s) is obviously not an effective way to deal with said loss. Everyone is allowed to have their sad day; the day you sit in bed and cry and get emotional and eat Ben & Jerry’s and feel all kinds of other stupid feelings. Scratch that, feelings aren’t stupid. Annoying and hard to deal with? Absolutely. But stupid? No way. That sounds crazy right? Because were all SUPPOSED to be sad and upset and hurting after the loss right? NO. NO. NO!

You are allowed to feel however you want about it. I think once word spreads about a loss, everyone expects you to feel sad and miserable and lost and pathetic. Surprise them. If you’re not actually sad, don’t pretend to be. If you’re not actually happy, don’t create a facade. My first piece of advice on dealing with loss is for you to be honest with how you feel. I was sad for all of 15 hours, and then I realized the good in goodbye (see my previous post). And if you start to feel happy, embrace it! Don’t go looking for happiness in the bottom of a wine bottle or in the corner of Pavs. If it comes to you, welcome it with open arms. If someone asks how you feel, dont say “I’m fine” to spare them the misery of your “sob” story. If you feel sad, tell em. If you’re the happiest person on the earth, tell em. 

Second of all, understand that it does get better. The initial feeling too many people get after this loss is they will be forever alone. That is such crap, and it is horrible to hear people think that they have lost their shot at love because it didn’t work with one stupid person. Are you joking? Do you know how wonderful you are? Do you know how many people care about you and have love for you? No? Well, look around. And find out. And then, realize, that you will never be alone. 

Third, go out. Have fun. Meet new people. Yeah, it is a big adjustment to go from having one person around you to care for you immensely to not knowing what the next move is, but it doesn’t have to be miserable. A best friend will profess their love for you, or the barista will give you their number. See where these little opportunities go. Have fun with them. If you go on a blind date and the guy is a total weirdo, lesson learned. If you let the barista/law student take you out, you may have that spark of hope ignite all over again. You can’t limit yourself to your couch and netflix and a bottle of Barefoot wine. If you’re so scared of being forever alone (which is BS anyway but I digress), do you really think sitting on the couch will change that? NO! Cute guys don’t wander into your apartment. So go out. Meet people. Lose the fear, it’s not a good look for anyone. 

Fourth: learn to trust again. If your ex cheated on you, lied to you, hid things from you, or any combination of the above, you may find it especially hard to trust others again. And I mean, rightfully so. The one person you thought you could trust more than anyone betrayed you, and made you look like a fool. Thats a pretty big slap in the face to take and wear those scars daily. But thinking that every person is the same in this respect isn’t conducive to getting over it. Not everyone will hurt you. Some people will lift you up higher than you ever thought possible. On the contrary, some people will bury you deeper than you ever imagined with their selfish actions. Assuming the worst won’t help you avoid being hurt. Pain is inevitable, and it demands to be felt. Just grit your teeth, get through it, and learn from it. Learn. To. Trust. Eventually, you’ll find the one who you won’t have to question. 

“But why do I think it’ll be different every single time?”

“Because you’re hoping you’re wrong. And every time they do something that tells you they’re no good, you ignore it. And every time they comes through and suprise you, they win you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that they aren not for you.”

And finally, relax. Everyone deals with it. You aren’t alone. Everyone has felt this way before:

“I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn’t know you had inside you. And it doesn’t matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends… you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he’ll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you’ll go somewhere new. And you’ll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.”

 

Smile. You’re wonderful with or without the extra 160 pounds of jerky ex-lover.

okkk

The Good In Goodbye

1 Aug

Yet another long hiatus between posts, but I’ve been busy. Cut me some slack, eh?
Since my last post, I have :
-started and finished summer classes (WITH ALL A’S YALL!)
-moved out of my old apartment and into a new one (it has a balcony)
-started actually working in Wells Fargo and not just the training
-finally visited Savannah, GA
-became single.

That’s right, your beloved Blonde Girl is no longer tied down. And this time, it’s for good. Meaning, you won’t see a sweet post about forgiveness in a few weeks. You’ll just see happy ones filling you in on the new adventures in my life!

After I went on vacation galivanting around the southeast coast with my family, I returned to my apartment to finish unpacking from the move, and have my (ex) boyfriend call me to end things. I kind of saw it coming, because in the weeks prior, I found myself feeling less into it, and feelings like that are typically mutual. Don’t get me wrong, he made valiant efforts to prove his willingness to change after our awkward break back in May. But, the fact of the matter is that a tiger never loses its stripes. The trust was never going to be the same no matter how much I tried to tell myself I could get over what had happened. The thought always loomed in the back of my mind, like what if he cheated again? I couldn’t go round two with that kind of heartbreak and disappointment. But, me being the eternal optimist that I am, went back to him and found myself even more in love with him. How? I don’t know. During the time I spent away from him, I knew that something just didn’t feel right. And, when I got home from vacation, I found out that I wasn’t the only one. He just wants to be single and enjoy college, which is totally fine. It’s not like I planned on spending my first two years of college in a relationship, but I just gotta go with the flow.

Initially when he told me it was over, I was just mad. I was upset, crying, furstrated, the whole 9 yards. I wrote 8 freaking pages of how I felt, originally with the intentions of sending it to him. I have since changed my mind, as I wil explain later in the post. After pouring all my feelings into pages of my sketchbook, I fell asleep. I woke up feeling numb. Idiot girl (me) texts him saying I missed him. BAD MOVE BAD MOVE don’t ever do it. The thing is, I don’t know why I said that. I mean sure I missed having a good morning text from someone, but did I really miss him? Or just the idea of a “him” in my life? After a short, and overall stupid conversation, I realized the answer to that question.

The idea of a boyfriend is so great. Someone who loves you and will go downtown and drink with you but also enjoy Netflix binges with ice cream on the couch and just be yourself with (obviously theres more but this post isn’t really about the perks of having a boyfriend). But he is no longer the guy that I had fell in love with two years ago and was so excited to call “mine”. A lot changes in college, and you can’t really plan on what the changes will be, you can only react to them when they’re presented to you. And that’s really okay. I can’t be mad at someone for changing. I really can’t be mad about what happened either. I mean it’s life.

So, because of this breakup, I’ve realized a lot. I actually feel bad because I’m not really grieving. I have skipped the whole “feeling sorry for myself watching sad movies and eating ice cream and complaining about him to my friends” phase. I am so glad, because that is the worst phase there is. I have 100% accepted that it is over. And now that it is, I can focus on what makes me the happiest. I don’t really know what that’ll be yet, because thus far I have only known having a boyfriend in college. But you bet I’m excited to learn. I can finally focus on me. Just me. And if that makes me a selfish jerk, so be it. But after dedicating myself whole heartedly to someone else for two years, I think I deserve it. I can go downtown with my girls without feeling guilty. I can focus on exams instead of the next time I’ll see him. I will save ridiculous amounts on gas since I won’t be driving 300 miles every other weekend.

By me saying this, I am in no way saying that I ever had a problem with doing any of that. I was always more than happy to take on the long drive to Boone, and didn’t mind a cram sesh here and there if it meant I would get to see him for just a few more hours. I consider myself a damn good girlfriend, and this breakup (surprisingly) showed me that. You don’t really realize what you’re doing at the time, but when I look back on all the things I did for him, I’m really surprised with myself in a good way. I’m not saying he didn’t reciprocate, but this blog post is about me.

I elected not to mail him the letter for a multitude of reasons, but mostly, because I wrote those words when the wounds were fresh. Now that it has all sunk in, my feelings toward the situation have done a 180. Him reading those words would be pointless, because they hold no meaning anymore. I’m not mad. I’m not sad. I don’t hate him for doing this to me. In fact, I respect him for it.

It’s still a big adjustment. But because of the enormous amount of kind words I received from friends, coworkers, and acquaintances alike, I realized the most important thing: I will be okay. I will be better than okay. I was a great person before Nathan, and I am confident I will be a great person now that he’s gone. Though I do not know what the rest of this year will bring, I am immensely excited to find out. Stay tuned readers, theres a new Blonde Girl in creation.

okkk