Archive | October, 2013

The Little Things

29 Oct

So, after what happened on Friday, I’ve been doing great. I haven’t cried since Saturday, and I’m just making some changing in my life that I’m proud of. Everything is great, until the little things take hold.

First off, let me say that I hate being a girl. The emotional rollercoaster that we go through is absolutely BS. Anyway..

The little things. Here I am, this afternoon, taking a shower before the homecoming events that will take place this evening (VOTE LAINE AND THOMAS Y’ALL). Pretty standard thing to do.. right? Well I’m fixing my sassy shower head when I realized “Crap… he bought this for me”. Yeah it’s a pretty random gift for a significant other to get you, but it was totally out of the random and he wanted me to have a good shower head. So there I sat…. in my freaking shower…. crying because of my shower head. Like seriously Abby…? I guess it’s because the little things make up the big picture. When I look at the whole thing, I know I’ll be okay, but when each individual piece is presented before me, I turn into a big mushball. Taking the magnetic picture frames of us off my fridge was harder than it should have been. Leaving work last night and accidentally calling him was beyond embarrassing (I would always call him when I would walk out to my car in the dark). Naturally I hung up as soon as I noticed, but still.

Everyone keeps telling me to just have a ceremonial burning or throw out all of his stuff. Number 1: I am not that rude. Number 2: No. I’m really not counting on him making a reappearance in my life, but then again what do I know. I also didn’t see this coming, so I feel like I’ll be forever in for a surprise. And I say I’m not counting on it not because I don’t want that, but because I’ve learned not to get my hopes up, and I know it’s totally wrong for me to sit and wait, hoping for something that isn’t guaranteed. Believe me, I would love nothing more than for him and I to get to a point where we can talk, and be cordial, and not have this tension. Unfortunately that won’t be the case right now, not for a while. But that’s okay, I mean I need time to heal.

Maybe I’m wrong in saying this, but even after seeing how much doing this hurt him, I still think I have it worse. He ended it, he had the control, and the upper hand in the situation. Yeah I get it sucks hurting the one you love, but who said it had to be like that. I mean I still hope that he’s doing better with everything, but it was his choice. This was something I had no control over and am facing the reprecussions of someone elses lack of desire to be responsible for my emotions. That’s what hurts the most. Knowing that no matter what I did at that point, it wouldn’t matter. Nothing I could say, do, no amount of tears I could cry, or how many times I said “We can fix this”, it wouldn’t make any difference at all. It’s hard, knowing that no matter how much you want something to work, sometimes you just can’t make the other person want the same thing. And I guess that’s what I’m working on accepting now.

This isn’t to say that he sucks and was a horrible boyfriend and that I’m writing all of this to trash him. That isn’t the case at all, and couldn’t be any farther from the truth. The truth is, he was a great boyfriend. He never was disrespectful towards me, treated me better than most people dream of being treated, and was always that way. As much as most girls love to have girls nights fueled by wine and pizza where they go on and on bashing their exes, I’ll take the pizza and wine, but I couldn’t slander him, even if I wanted to (which I don’t). He loved me the way every girl wants to be loved.

“I hear you’re having a tough time today. You may not know me, but I was sent to try and make your day a little better. Breakups suck, kind of dealing with that myself. Wait, scratch that. Breakups don’t suck. Boys do. Breakups are actually a very good thing. You get to test out people, figure out what it is that you like and don’t like, and then if you don’t like it, you get to move on. And then the next person you meet, you will have a better sense of what you want, and what you will or will not tolerate in a relationship. So I guess, in a way, breakups are actually kind of cool. That doesn’t make them any easier. So we cry today. We get depressed today. We wonder what we’re going to do, how we’re going to cope, who will be next. We wonder what happened and why we are dealing with this. Tomorrow, we take a step back and look at how awesome we are, and how that person missed out. I know ____________ is a cool guy, but he is young and foolish; the two usually go hand in hand. All boys are. So, we are angry and hurt today and fearless tomorrow.”

-Kind words of a total stranger

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An Early Thanksgiving

28 Oct

With everything happening lately, I can honestly say I would not have gotten through it without several people.

So…..

Thank you to my amazing parents. Even though I whine and cry and tell you “I’m hanging up now I don’t want to talk about it” you still love and support me just the same. And the money for starbucks and Ben & Jerrys didn’t hurt either. Even when I beg that you don’t give me advice and just listen to me cry for 20 minutes, you do, and you it well. I am beyond guilty of being the standard college kid (or just a kid in general) and I think that y’all can never relate to anything I’m going through. Well, evidently, you guys can. So thank you, for everything. Love y’all bunches.

Thank you to my friends from home. Jess, your ability to make me laugh throughout this by throwing in the 52 jokes is a godsend, and I appreciate you being there more than you know. Ian, for checking in on me every few hours so I didn’t feel totally alone, thank you a million and one. Cassidy, for just talking to me and just being you, and reminiscing on all the fun times on greenwich road and the October snowstorm, I owe you. To every single one of you who tried to pick me up, you succeeded. I love you all and thank you.

To all my friends down here in good ole SC. My amazing Big, Melissa, talking me down from the ledge and just being honest with me (which I what I needed at that point), and bagel breakfasts, you’re the best. Toniann, I LOVE YOU NUGGET. You literally dropped everything to drive to my apartment and watch my Kim Kardashian face come to be, and share advice, make me laugh, and then take a shiv trip, I owe you, BIG TIME. Darby, even if I don’t see you as much as I’d like your unconditional support during this time has helped me so much. I’m glad that someone can relate to me and help me through all this. And of course, all of my sorority sisters. Times like these I am beyond glad to have 320+ girls who care for me like a real sister. Not that I’m not always glad but… ya know. Thank you all, so so much.

And now, to Hailey. Specifically. You posting my number all around ECU and social media and all of the fabulous random strangers who sent me sweet messages, funny pictures, verses from the bible, and everything inbetween have made such a difference. I am so glad to have found a friend in you, I cannot put into words how thankful I am. From the phone number fiasco, to texting you until late night because I’m just so… BLAH….you’ve been there for it all. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Tough times don’t last, but tough people do. And tough people, usually have a tough support system behind them the whole way.

So again, thank you to everyone. I am so grateful to have all of you in my life.

So if you’re reading this, and someone has helped you recently, go thank them. Those little gestures go a long way.

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Da Rulez

23 Oct

THE TITLE IS NOT A SPELLING ERROR

Rather merely a refence to the rule book in the Fairly Oddparents.

I don’t know why I’m doing two posts in a day but I am so here it is, read it and love it people.

It has been one hell of a day. But I think everything is finally hitting me. I’ve talked to a lot of people about whats going on, and everyones trying to be optimistic. But I really wonder if they mean it, or if they’re being optimistic for my sake? I mean don’t get me wrong, I am an absolute wreck right now. I’m borderline embarassed for how I’m going to look walking into my sorority house for fireside chats tonight, but I really can’t justify putting on more makeup. Like hello you guys are my sisters and have to love me even when my eyeliner is halfway down my face. But anyway…

I’m starting to feel like a broken record. It’s the same hurt in my mind, the same reassuring phone calls from my friends, the same questions I keep asking myself.

It’s time for me to hop off that. Today while I was cleaning, I stumbled upon all my old high school yearbooks. Naturally, I had to look through all of them…. just to see how fabulous I looked as a freshman obviously. As I was mindlessly flipping the pages, remembering faces I had seen every day and never really talked to, I saw my friends picture. What a freakin’ great person. One of the nicest people I know. Faced countless hardships, and even when the world was against him, managed to keep a positive attitude and get through it. And he managed to survive everything life threw at him. Why was he able to maneuver through life with such.. not ease.. but grace? He just rolled with everything. Then I remember he had this set of “rules” he always referred to. Like my senior year. I hadn’t had a valentine in years, which I was totally okay with. But I left school to find a bouquet of flowers on my car, because hey rule number three states that everyone deserves flowers on Valentines day. And today, as I’m facing literally every curveball life could possibly throw at me (all low and inside), I remembered those rules. So, little annoying me, asked him to forward me the list of rules. I think everyone should look through them. I’m not saying follow these ones exactly, but make your own. Use this as inspiration.

1. Women Never Pay

2. Only thing a man has are his word, ideals, and family/friends

3. Everyone deserves flowers on Valentines Day

4. Everyone gets a birthday gift

5. There is no excuse for mistreating a woman

6. Only fight worth fighting, is one that someone cant win alone

7. No gesture is too big

8. Always say thank you, the only way you know how

9. Friends are too be treated as an extension of family

10. Its only money

11. Always open the door

12. Pride isn’t important

13. Never lie to a woman

14. Don’t cuss at a woman

15. You are not the most important person in the room

16. Modesty is a must

17. Never Give up

18. If you can afford it, do it

19. Today is the only day that counts

20. Don’t allow yourself to be pushed around

21. Be honest with yourself

22. Smile

23. Do everything you can to make people smile

24. Work for what you want

25. Don’t spend more then $30 on yourself at a time

26. Treat the future as the destination, not a dream

27. Never break a promise

28. Stay Reverent

29. Help anyway you can

30. Have fun with everything you do

31. Don’t do something expecting to be paid

32. Family and Friends are all that matters

33. Never break your rules

34. If its importnant to them its important to you

35. Don’t talk to someone unless you plan on listening

36. You’re not always right

37.  Don’t be afraid to speak your mind

38. Don’t judge

39. Trust until given a reason not too

40. Focus on others first

41. Your worth is judged by your character

42. Generosity

43. Don’t pretend to be who you aren’t

44. Don’t drink and drive…period

45. Don’t let your friends drink and drive

46. Always be nice

47. If you need to impress someone, walk away

48. Never discuss price

49. Women don’t pay for gas

50. Don’t stop until you get where you’re going

51. There are no excuses for failure

While some of these are a little more specific to a circumstance, others are not, and I think more people should take notes.

If you agree with any of these rules, go thank Andrew Choquette. There are his, not mine. Actually they’re his grandfathers but you get the point.

Life knocks you down, and sometimes it knocks you down hard. Today I’ve been laying on the ground whining about how it hurt, but tomorrow I’m going to wake up and tell life that it hits like a bitch.

The Lord Is Testing Me

23 Oct

Remember the other day when I was talking about how I had all those relevations? And how truly blessed I was? Well I am convinced that because I wrote about it I have now lost it all. 

1. There is no such thing as the “perfect time” or the “perfect moment”.

So why wait and beat around the bush? Perfect timing isn’t real, but perfect things, perfect situations, the perfect person for you, are. They are so very real, so when you get one, you hold onto it. And you don’t let it go.

2. I need to start taking my own advice. 

Naturally, all of my friends have been flocking to me today making sure I was alright and checking in on me. A few weeks ago, I had a friend struggling with some personal problems of his own, and I told him just to take it easy and hold on, and it would all work out the way it was supposed to. Soooo guess who got that advice thrown back at them? Me. Guess who is too stubborn to just take it and listen? Also kinda-sorta me. This isn’t something I can just relax with. This is such a huge part of my life that just taking it easy and praying for the best wont suffice for me. But at the same time, I wonder how useful fighting for what I want is. At least I can’t say I didnt try my best. 

3. Hope for the best, expect the worst.

I guess with everything that has been going on, I have tried so hard to be optimistic about it, that it has screwed me over. I expected my optimism to work in my favor, and so far it hasn’t been any help. I think my optimism led me to the assumption that I would hope for the best and expect the best. So then when life handed me the worst, I took it even harder. Life isnt easy, nothing I’m dealing with is easy. It completely sucks, and has left me completely numb and empty inside. But, I just have to sit tight, hope for the best and expect the worst. 

At this point I feel completely lost. I have no idea what is going on in my life, mostly because all of these events that are effecting me are so unexpected. So please, just bear with my depressing blog posts and pray I make it through all of this.

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All Things Relevant

23 Oct

Well, after my extremely productive day (which consisted of 20 minutes of class and four hours of napping), I finally decided to hop back on here. While doing my accounting homework, the youtube sidebar recommended some videos of dance routines, one of which was to one of my favorite songs, “The Scientist” by Coldplay. Naturally, I wrapped up my amortilization lecture and started watching it. I am always amazed at how dances can actualy make me FEEL. I mean the lyrics, combined with the movements and the emotions, just always managed to strike a chord with me. These ones in particular. 

 

Truthfully I have no idea what I want to blog about. I don’t feel like whining about my day at work, nor my exams, or anything. I’m just so… mentally checked out of this week. It’s only Tuesday.. 

D-Day

21 Oct

Sometimes, life surprises the hell out of you. And it scares you. And it turns your perspective around, and changes everything all in a short two word sentence.

Yesterday, I heard the words “I’m done” come out of my boyfriends mouth. I was blind-sided by what had happened much like Elle Woods was when Warner Huntington the Third broke up with her. Though this is not a situation to make light of, I couldn’t help but use that comparison because I’m watching the movie right now. I was in a state of pure shock; I couldn’t form words, I couldn’t muster out a tear, and I couldn’t understand. We both agreed that we never saw this coming, However, we let small things pile up and never actually dealt with them properly. I guess that’s a downfall of a long distance relationship. I refuse to have serious conversations like that over the phone, or even on skype. I need to read facial expressions and the other person can’t have the option to hang up on me if my sass gets a little out of control. We deliberated for over an hour, of course me convinced things could change, and him convinced of the opposite.

He then offered to help me pack my bags, after giving me a minute to do whatever I needed to. And for that 15 minutes, I cried. I bawled like a big baby, clutching a pillow, and wondering if I could fast forward through this nightmare and wake up and have everything back to normal. But I knew I wouldn’t be able to do that. I went to the bathroom to wipe the mascara off my cheeks and splash some cool water underneath my eyes. I returned to the room, completely lost my shit again and started crying some more. It was one of those times where I knew I couldn’t just talk my way out of something, or beg for it to go my way, which totally sucked.

But, after I calmed down from my second round of sadness, my boyfriend (love you, mean it), decided on giving it a chance to change. Keep in mind, this all happened in about two hours, so in those two hours I learned more than I have so far in college.

Things I Learned That Day:

1. Do not ever assume that you are invincible to your own actions. 

Honestly, I never saw us having that conversation. I never imagined hearing him say that he was done. I (for whatever stupid reason) thought we would go on as were were, happy for years to come. But both of us had done things that yielded tension, with little repricussions at the time. It always catches up with you. We allllllllll know that there’s cause and effect, but sometimes we choose to ignore the consequence when acting impulsively and foolishly. Humans crave that immediate gratification; we’re all guilty of it. But just know that sometimes the immediate gratification will result in gradual reprecussions.

2. Forgive and make sure they know it.

Holding past mistakes over each other’s heads was a big mistake, on both of our accounts. Things that happened over 5 months ago bear no significance now. They were the little things, that made us annoyed, not exactly deal breakers, but they always say “its the little things”. Now, even though I knew I had forgave him for what had happened in the past, I never actually verbalized it. So here he is, for months, thinking I hadn’t forgave him. I mean hello that clearly sucks. I had just assumed he knew, but he didn’t and I think that weighed heavily on him.

3. Listen.

Initially, when all I heard was “I’m done”, that was all I wanted to hear. But, as he gave me examples and reasons and told me exactly what was going on, I saw that (as much as I hate admitting it) he was right. We had problems. And we didn’t do much to fix them, we just swept them under the rug and tried to ignore them. Sure, we would casually discuss it, but the distance (as usual) poses a certain challenge as far as this all goes. If we had ignored these things any longer, maybe it would have been a lot worse. But my god, listen. Listen with an open mind, and an open heart.

4. These conversations can be a necessary evil.

It was a huge wake up call. I knew I would never forgive myself if I lost the love of my life to something that I could control. I think sometimes, us humans get a little out of control with everything. Some people eat too much, some people crack rude jokes, or laugh at inappropriate times. We got out of control with our emotions. But, this wake up call made both of us realize “hey this is what were doing wrong and this is how we need to fix it”. I guess in the end, such a huge threat that would change so much in my life gave me a kick in the ass to be the best girlfriend I can be. Which sounds super corny.. but whatever. Everyone should strive for greatness. Anything worth doing, is worth doing well. Sometimes we just need a little reminder, no matter how hard the reminder is to hear.

5. Love while you can, as best as you can, as much as you can.

One thing is for sure; I love this guy with all my heart. But if what happened the other day had really ended it all, I would want to walk away knowing that I gave it the most and best love that I could. I mean let’s be honest, I wouldn’t want to walk away period. But if I had to, I would want it to be under those circumstances. This doesn’t just go for romantic relationships, tell everyone that you love that you love them whenever you can. On the phone with mom after an argument? Remind her. Awkward disagreements with super-conservative grandparents? Love and respect.

“The reward of a thing well done is to have done it”-Ralph Waldo Emerson

And if you can love someone, and love them to the best of your abilities, the love is the reward.

This time it’s a reward that I want to keep my whole life through.

After hashing everything out, and discussing what we were dealing with, I feel much better about everything. I stil have that pit in my stomach, the pit that will act as motivation to be better than my previous best, follow the rules, and make this little challenge my bitch. The only way out is through. If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just do it. All those cliches, all that jazz. It’s time for a change.

By the way, don’t worry guys, I asked Nathan’s permission before posting publicly about this weekends events. What kind of girlfriend do you think I am?!