All About The Chase

11 Jul

So…. I was a little crazy a few nights ago. Actually, it all started a few months ago.

The running joke at my job is how much of a player I am. Which is kind of true… but I don’t want it to be. I work in sales, therefore I am a social butterfly and love meeting people. I love meeting guys. Interesting ones, with cool careers and 401K’s and condos in Uptown with incredible skyline views who want to go to McCormick and Shmicks for lobster and martinis. Basic ones, with entry level jobs and credit card debt living in studio apartments who will go to Cookout with me at 2 AM because we both want corn dogs. And every guy in between. Why? Because you never know who you will connect with. In any and all of my many sales jobs, it is the clients I least expected that I formed the closest connections with, and I think that taught me a lot about relationships in general. Apparently, social butterfly equates to player. Well, I mean maybe it’s the cases in which I stop returning their calls and quickly move onto the next because I didn’t click with them and don’t feel the need to explain that to them. In retrospect, that sounds pretty terrible because I’m the first to complain about a guy ghosting me. But this isn’t the point.

I am so siiiiiiiick and tired of testing the waters and only ever getting surface level with someone. I might be ruthless in some senses, but I have a big ole heart and want to share that with someone. Yeah, I know that’s mushy and probably goes against “player code” but so freakin’ be it. I think I keep running through rosters in hopes that I will find my Tom Brady. The superstar. The stud (even if it’s just in my eyes). The one who changes the game.

So far…that is far from the case. I have found lots of Johnny Manziel’s, Jordan Rogers’, and Matt Ryan’s. And I mean don’t get me wrong. Manziel dudes are always a fun time and bring the party, but are far from serious. Rogers types are pretty boys that bring nothing to the table but a few past successes. And the Ryan’s of the world… just overall pretty disappointing (mostly in 2015). But if Tom Brady can go from a player no one wanted to four time Superbowl Champ, I think I can be patient too. But in the meantime, why am I wasting my time pursuing people I know will not be in my life for more than a few minutes? As a salesperson, I love the chase. It forces me to get creative, and push people to be on my side and buy what I’m selling. If they buy, I get paid. If they don’t, I still survive. So why push for something where if I lose, I lose hard. And even if I win, I still lose eventually? Because it’s entertaining? Keeps me busy? I’m delusional?

Starting to lean towards the last one. I mean seriously… the most recent guy ghosted TWICE because he “didn’t want to give me the wrong idea”, met up with me, and ghosted again and I’m the one left to be annoyed and overall kind of bummed? Sounds like some BS to me. Is this all bad dating karma? Who even knows. But I think it’s time to stop chasing (even though I do love feeling accomplished) and start letting things happen. You wanna ghost? Fine homie, your loss. You wanna run games? Count me out dude. I understand I’m 21, but after 4 years of this in college, I’m kind of over it. It’s kind of sad to realize how many actually GOOD guys I probably pushed away because their sweet actions pushed me away. For some reason, nothing is more attractive to me than a guy who wont give me the time of day.

So… back to being a player. I tried having a new date every night. And let me tell you it was exhausting. Physically, because the last thing I want to do after a bad shift at work is go on a date that I may or may not be excited about. Mentally, because that’s a lot of names to keep up with. Seriously they started blurring together. There were 4 “MATT CLT” contacts in my phone at one point. There were 2 Evan’s who were thankfully polar opposites so that helped. But countless others. The dinner conversations all started to blur together. I may or may not have confused the places to meet for drinks once or twice. So after a lot of wasted time, I stopped. Not just because of the impact it had on me, but because I felt geniunely bad about it. I mean seriously, I don’t know how some of you guys do it. I understand the whole wanting to enjoy being young while we’re young thing, but forcing it is just ridiculous. I found myself so happy to get to go to my own apartment after work and lay in bed until midnight if I wanted to. I also get to go out on a Tuesday night if I want to. I think that’s the part of being young we should want to enjoy. Not the “being tied down” part, but getting to do what we want, when we want, and not having to answer to anyone part. Being tied down to one person doesn’t sound so bad, if you find the right person. But eventually adulting means having to compromise with your significant other on whether you want to go in or stay out. Pizza or salads. Going to the beach or the mountains. So enjoy the part of your life where you get to truly think for yourself. You don’t get this time back.


This City Reeks Of You

20 May

When I was searching for jobs that I would hopefully have after graduation, the only city I searched in was Charlotte. I thought it was a great city. A real up and coming location just crawling with young professionals. I had tons of friends from school who lived there, and people I had just met through living life. Graduation day came, I packed up my car, and unloaded it in an apartment outside the city. I painted the walls to make it feel more like home, and hung up pictures of myself with my friends and family. Anything to block out the memories that this city held.

Let’s be honest. Before moving here, I had only one reason I was ever in Charlotte and the surrounding area. The first two years of my southern adventure had a lot of time spent in this city, with one specific person. Now that I am here two years after that all ended, I realize that all I know in this city is a bunch of memories. Some good, some bad, and all memories that I would love to not have cross my mind. So, I knew that this was my chance to make new memories.

Once I started my new job at David Yurman, I was acquainted with my incredible coworkers. Suddenly, work felt more like home than the city itself. Why? Because I was surrounded by people who made me feel worthwhile, and understood me. No pseudo friends, who merely saw me as a convenience when others were not around, were in sight. But, after my shift ended, I was forced to come back to my lonely one bedroom apartment, only to be greeted by my cat. Once I got into the swing of things with the new job, I started getting more involved in the city. Met up with young alumni of my alma mater, lots of dates, and finding my way into philanthropic involvement. It was like being back in Columbia, minus the $2 drinks in Five Points, and a hangover cure a la Salty. But, nights and days end, and I was alone again.

Not that there is anything wrong with being alone. I value my alone time very much. However, when my adorable imagination gets the best of me, it can quickly become my worst enemy. I can’t help but remember what this city was to me. No matter what it is now, it does not feel like home. It feels like an empty skeleton, where my past once lived. It feels like a hollowed out story book, filled with pages that say “once upon a time”. It feels like everything I had hoped it wouldnt.

This city reeks of you. It reeks of the past. It reeks of things that I can no longer stand. Well, I should say, it reeks of things that I can no longer have. It’s taken quite the toll on me. Sleepless nights, and days spent in bed because I physically cannot bring myself to leave because the anxiety of running into you is crippling. I have too much on my mind, too much that I want to say, and way too much that I need to think through.

So with that, I think it’s time for me to go to Boston. Where everyone knows my name.


Words I Understand

17 Mar

On my way home from work today, my best friend Shane called to just check in on me. He rocks 150%. I told him how I was feeling, and tried to explain it further but I just couldn’t. He finally stopped me (and thank God because even I was starting to get confused) and said that I needed to just listen for a second. He hasn’t really been wrong yet, so I listened.

Shane works in sales too, but for an NHL team. We met our freshman year at USC when I needed a big strong dude to help me move my fridge (damsel in distress ya heard). Turns out we were both super sarcastic northerners that were here to study business. We just clicked. So here we are almost four years later, still best friends. I can usually count on him when I need a proverbial slap in the face, because hes an aggresive northerner too. He’s seen me fall over drunk almost as many times as he’s seen me cry. That’s part of why he’s such a good friend, as he always is there to help no matter the circumstances. So of course when I told him everything that had happened and how I felt and how confused I was and basically the biggest word vomit ever, concerned friend mode went into full effect. He gets me, so I knew him of all people would be able to rationalize this for me somehow.

Like I said, we both work in sales. It’s a language all it’s own that we both are fluent in. So he told me a little story, which spiraled into some seriously thought provoking conversation. So, let’s start with that story.

“So I spend my days trying to snag some new season ticket holders. I call people. Sometimes it works on the first call, and that’s it. Some people have blocked my numbers. Whatever. But there was this one prospective client.. I called fifteen times. Most people would tell me that I was harassing him at that point. But until the guy told me “No”, there was no way in hell I was going to give up. So I kept calling. And honestly, even I questioned my sanity some of the times. I mean really.. fifteen times? It was pushing overboard, but again, anything other than a rejection is at least a maybe. The sixteenth call, I finally got the guy on the phone. This was my chance, and I wasn’t going to blow it. He knew the value of what I was trying to sell, but I had to reinforce it. The biggest sale of my career later, I have a new happy client, my hard work paid off, and the satisfaction was immense. So you can’t give up. What if that sixteenth call is the call that changes things?”

The dude isn’t wrong. Which I’ll admit sometimes get’s annoying like dang dude are you ever inaccurate? But this time, I was glad that he was spot on. So, what else did this fount of wisdom have to say?

We talked about how as a sales woman, I should be the queen of hustle. I convince people all day, every day, that they need something that I provide. Not just need it, but they cannot run their business about it. I promote the value, I learn the clients budget, location, the whole nine. I analyze businesses all damn day. But I cannot seem to analyze situations with guys well enough to yield any positive results.

“It stresses me out! I know you can do this. I know you speak sales, that you’re a shark. You wouldn’t be doing this if that wasn’t the case. The Abby I know, the freshman year four years ago happy go lucky Abby, wouldn’t settle to get hustled like this. You need to hustle these dudes before they hustle you. Put it this way. If a client came up to you and asked for a free product because they might be interested in purchasing it in the future, would you just give it to them? Absolutely not. You would (and don’t try to deny this) tell them to go to hell. You are selling products that aren’t even yours at a 20% markup. But when it comes to selling yourself, you are showing a low percieved value. Why don’t you think you’re worth more? You don’t know these dude’s willingness to pay. When someone buys something from you, they don’t get immediate gratification. It takes 6 weeks to build, and another 2 weeks to implement. Run yourself like a business. I don’t mean be a hooker. But know your worth. You know in sales that you have to hustle someone so you don’t get hustled. Apply that to your life. You’re better than what you’ve settled for in the last year.”

You’re not going to catch me being a player-ette (if that’s even a word but I know all of y’all are catching my drift with that), but it’s not going to be easy to get me in your life. I gotta look out for number one. Know yaself know ya worth, as Drake would say. People keep telling me to enjoy this time alone; that I’ll only be able to pee in peace for so long, that this is the time to find myself. I have a pretty good idea of who I am, but maybe not necessarily who I want.




The Worlds Worst Talent

16 Mar

I swear I have a knack for something. I always manage to find myself involved with the bad guys who won’t go away, and the good guys who can’t stay. I’m also very good at overthinking a situation until I’m blue in the face and red in the eyes. This week I’ve gotten good at functioning at work on zero sleep at all. The past few days have been a bear for the anxiety I deal with as it is, and I sincerely hope it ends soon.

So, the last time I wrote, I expressed absolute confusion for what the heck was going on in my own mind. Fighting a battle against yourself is probably the hardest one to ever fight. I actually just closed my computer because I really don’t know if I’m going to make it through everything I have to say, but a certain song came on, so I’m going to take that as a sign that I need to. I will however preface this by saying that anything that happened and was talked about with him this past weekend will not be something I discuss. It really isn’t anyone’s business, no matter how much you may care about me or how much you may thrive off of knowing every detail of everything. That all will stay between the two people it pertains to; Nathan and I. And yes, that means that some of you who were under the impression I was alone, I was not. Or if you did not know this happened, now you do. Any texts regarding this will 150% be ignored because I don’t really need to explain my decisions to anyone (upsidedown smiley face).

When you don’t see someone, or interact, or even really think about them for over a year, you kind of forget some things. I forgot a lot. I forgot that this was someone I had once shared my biggest secrets with, cried to, cried about, laughed about stupid Vines with, looked in the eyes and expressed my love to. In the moment everything is kind of a whirlwind. It was the first date feeling without the awkwardness. Once you have a second to step back and actually process what the hell just happened, it can take you a lot of places. Those places aren’t always the warm and fuzzy ones like when people tell you not to cry because it’s over, but rather smile because it happened. Not to say that I didn’t smile to myself on the drive back to my apartment, because I did. The old familiar was welcomed. But walking back into that apartment and being alone, ouch. It was like having my heart broken all over again. That was not a feeling I had anticipated at all. Had that been the case, I wouldn’t have agreed to see him. I’m not interested in inflicting more pain on myself than has already been done in my 21 years.

So naturally I call some friends (and they have all been so amazing the past few days so thank you all for existing). And of course roughly four hours after the fact, I sat down and said that this was the biggest dumbest mistake I had made so far in 2016. I was truly beating myself over it, which is when Lindsey brough to my attention important fact number 1: This was the best thing I could have done. I don’t have to be angry anymore, and neither does he. And that in itself is an outcome worth whatever I may be feeling. I’m really glad that we could at least bypass the bullshit from the past. Admitting it is the first step, and getting past it is the second. So lets wipe our hands clean from that one.

“So remember when we were driving, driving in your car
Speed so fast I felt like I was drunk.
City lights lay out before us,
And your arm felt nice wrapped ’round my shoulder.
And I had a feeling that I belonged,
I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone…”

Although, I still wasn’t convinced that this was an entirely good idea. I mean seriously, there I was/here I am sobbing big fat ugly sobs into my bed and feeling conflicted in so many ways. My big had noted that it seemed like my apology was stemming from me still caring about him and what he thinks about me. Um, well, that would be true. Which is kind of hard to say. I mean NO girl want’s to openly admit to caring about her ex when things ended badly (even if you wish they didn’t). So I kind of had to sit and think about that. Why would I care what he thinks about me? Why would I care about him? I had just gone over a year without seeing or speaking to this guy. Clearly I was fine. I will say that in that time I had come a LONG way from the blubbering mess I was for the week following the break up, annnnnd the week following me going to Boone on a whim one weekend. And I needed to pat myself on the back for that. It was finally time to focus on me, and look out for number one. I’ve lost almost 20 pounds in the last month, I’m no longer a Diet Coke crackhead, my apartment is finally put together, and I’m doing just fine. So instead of realizing all the awesome progress I made, I beat myself down because I had still messed up in some capacity a year ago. Yeah sure my body is looking better but I’m still alone as hell. Yeah I have a job but do I have anyone to come home to and tell about my day (besides my cat)? Who. Even. Cares. I shouldn’t. But I can’t bullshit the world and pretend that I don’t. This doesn’t mean Nathan specifically, but making the transition from loving boyfriend to big empty bed is kind of hard. The plan is shot to hell and you just have to roll with it. I didn’t think I was rolling so well with the punches, but after some reflection, I found that I was what was turning the tides, and not the other way around. Hell yes to that.

“He is not good enough for you. You are TOO good of a person. You’re funny, a great little and beautiful and you deserve more.”

We are always our own worst critic. Maybe it’s a combination of my modesty (which doesn’t exist by the way), or my complete inability to see my great qualities. I am eternally selling myself short. I know when I kick ass at something. Or if I make a ton of sales at work. Or if I can hold my power legs in Pure Barre the entire time. I have no problem celebrating those wins. However, I will never just ackowledge that I am beautiful. I will say that I’m funny by comparing myself to an Amy Schumer that you can bring home to your parents. I don’t think I’m a great person, because I have been known to screw up sometimes. And sometimes I screw up really big. I didn’t realize by selling myself short, I was practically drilling into my own mind that I would never be good enough on my own. Now I know that to be absolute bullshit. I’ve been on my own for a while, and I’m not like Leonardo DiCaprio successful, but it’s nothing to just brush off. I don’t think it would kill me to work on loving myself more. Not just being aware of my highs, but appreciating them, and appreciating myself for making them happen.

“It’s hard to say what it is I see in you”

So, what exactly do I feel? I don’t know. I mean, I feel like I do, just based on history, which we all know repeats itself. So I don’t know how absolutely necessary it is for me to put everything out in the open. 9.9 times out of 10, I just get more hurt than I was to begin with, and I cannot handle another fucking sleepless night. I wish I knew why he had/has/whatever such a hold on me. I truly do, because then I might be able to rationalize whatever is running through my mind. It’s not like he was my first love. Or was he? I’ll never really know what the deal was with that first relationship… if you wanna talk about dysfunctional, talk to me about that. Actually ya know what? Screw it. He was my first of a lot of things. The first guy I dated long distance. The first guy I believed when he said he cared about me. The first guy who actually tested me. The first guy blah blah blah blah blah. I wish I could tell you that he would be the last guy to ever make me feel this way, but the truth is that there are a lot of fish left in the sea and I’d be willing to bet half of them have mercury poisoning. I don’t know what the future holds, for me or anyone else. I know what I would like it to hold, but as with most things, you can’t always get what you want. Contrary to what I’d like to think, the belief in a thing does not make it happen. So with that, I say yes, I do care for Nathan. I’m unsure of the capacity, but I can’t just not give a shit about someone who was once such a big part of my life. And if anyone expects me to, they can stick it where the sun don’t shine.

“Know troubles they may come and go,
But good times they’re the gold.”

No matter the messes that have happened for the last threeish years, I cannot harp on that. I remember the good times fondly, but it’s time to let go of the bad times. I don’t wish to remember those, nor do I deserve to be taunted by them. The more I sit here and wonder what the hell I’m going to write next, the more I wonder why I’m writing it all here. Shouldn’t I just say exactly what I’m thinking to the person it pertains to? What good is it doing to let it out into the unkown?


The unknown can’t hurt me.


PS – as I’m re-reading this I realize how incredibly risky this was

Old Habits Die Hard

13 Mar

I am not exactly the best person in the world at making sound decisions. I’m impulsive, passionate, and emotional, which does not usually yield good choices. Sort of like, act now, think later, and deal with the consequences way longer than expected. I’m only human with my cross to bear.

It all started when my sister, trying to look out for me in the event I headed uptown on Saturday afternoon, told me that my ex was there, and to be careful. I really had no intentions of going uptown anyway, however that little nugget of information incited something within me. A few hours later, I reached out to apologize to him for being a psycho the past year and someodd months. Because let’s be honest… I was. I can admit when I was wrong, and there were a lot of things that I had said (both in this blog and in conversations) that were out of line and uncalled for. Much to my surprise, I received a counter-apology. And it sounded genuine. Which made it that much better. Harboring hate in your heart is such a damn pain, so clearing the air was just what the doctor ordered. Mindless conversation ensued, and so did an invite to grab a beer later that night.

The wave of panic that fell over me was like a ton of bricks coming from left field. Of course I wanted to grab a drink. But damn if the idea didn’t make my nerves shake… But I figured that I’m an adult and it would probably be a nice idea to grab a truce beer. A combination of my blindness and shaking hands made that drive over to Temple seem like an eternity. After parking, I called my big. I knew she was going to have some comments about my decision, but I at least needed a pep talk at this point, and boy did she deliver. After kind of collecting myself, I stepped out of the car to hear that goober singing to himself. Unsure if he was actually singing to himself, or was singing to make his presence known. But that’s not really important to this story.

The beer was cold, the seat wasn’t the most comfortable, but the company was everything I had hoped for. The conversation flowed the same as it did years ago. He reminded me that my facial expressions had not changed. I don’t really know if I reminded him of anything. But we sat, talked about the past and the present, wondered about the future, and laughed. I think the last part is the most important, since it shows you can go from wanting to punch someone in the arm for 485 days, to letting out the most hearty laugh because of them. It’s funny the way things change.

Speaking of change, my eyesight has completely turned to crap since he was a part of my life. And since he’s blind too, he just haaaaad to see me in my glasses. We left the bar, partially because our beers were done, and partially because of the overly social people beside us. Walking to the car, he was complimentary. Like wow he actually noticed that I put effort into my appearance. I mean, I kind of had to. Not seeing someone in that long calls for such things. Conversation continued, and he asked what I was doing the rest of the night. Since it was a Saturday and I was out grabbing a beer with him, it was pretty clear that my plans were none.  I had picked up a bottle from the ABC store, so we headed back to my apartment to work on that, and continue the good talks.

The rest of the night was important and great, but isn’t really the point of this post so we’re going to move into the important stuff. We woke up slow (like reeeeeeally slow), and I brought him back to his car so he could get back to Boone. I figured he deserved more than an Uber. A few jokes, a hug, and a see ya later, and I was back in my car heading home. And before I knew it, a familiar feeling kind of swept over me. A kind that I had felt so many times before, and I don’t mean when you realize you left your license at home. That was a hard goodbye. Not in the same sense that it once was, but I feel that it was especially hard because for all I know it really was a goodbye. I have no idea if I’ll see him again, or when. And that kind of rubbed me the wrong way. I’ll be totally honest, it’s not like yesterday was the first time he had crossed my mind in the last year and some change.

So I did what any girl does when she needs to analyze her feelings: turned to friends (and coffee). I tried everyone. Melissa, Cassidy, Majel, Shane….. everyone. It’s now 5 hours later and I’m sitting on the edge of my bed on the phone with Shane trying like hell not to cry.

Yeah yeah I cried. No ragrets. I’ve been in this situation before, same person too. And the outcome last time has me terrified for this time. At least now I have a better handle on what it is I’m thinking, though it’s really hard to articulate into words. Maybe I’ll have that figured out the next time I feel like writing.



From A Girl’s Perspective

19 Jan

The other night, I was talking to my best friend Cassidy. We usually have about 50% mindless banter, and 50% meaningful conversation. We had kicked off the conversation with the same old how are ya yadda yadda and then we got into a topic that we probably get into way too much: “Why are we single?”

Yep, you’ve caught us. Sterotypical twenty-something females. Sue us. It’s not like we’re dramatically crying into one anothers arms chugging wine and pounding pints of Ben & Jerry’s (though we’ve been there before too) questioning this, but a geniune wonder for why? We’re about as normal as they come. Educated, sarcastic, and I mean we’re not hideous (never sure whether we’re supposed to be bold and say were  beautiful or coy and say we’re just alright, thanks society). We live in cities crawling with eligible dudes. So what’s wrong with us? What’s wrong with them?

Hookup culture is something that has become so prevalent in today’s society. And I freaking hate it. It’s the dumbest thing in the world, like for one night and one night only you can have the man of your dreams in exchange for your dignity and then the next day he’s gone without a trace. Which at first, isn’t exactly a bad thing, because why would you want to see a douche like that again? But after a while, and the same pattern repeating itself, the whole thing loses its allure. It shouldn’t have any allure to begin with. Why has this become okay? Who decided this was the norm? Let’s change that.

So through our conversation, Cass and I came up with a list of 100 things (yes, really, 100 things) about relationships that trump any hookup you will ever have. (Mom, stop reading).

  1. Sex gets better when its consistent and with the same person and you are COMFORTABLE with them.
  2. No more worrying about being judged for what you may or may not be into. (This extends outside the bedroom folks).
  3. You can also just eat pizza in bed at 2 AM and be just as perfectly happy.
  4. Consequently to that, you have someone to look forward to waking up late with and making breakfast for. Not being afraid to roll over and see someone that you’re unsure how you feel about.
  5. Or if you run out of eggs, going to breakfast in your sweats together is totally acceptable, and in some cases, encouraged.
  6. Mundane things like trips to Target instantly get more fun with another person there to throw the bouncy balls at.
  7. I’ll buy you things because I want to. Could be a new tie, could be your favorite candy bar.
  8. I’ll do nice things for you because I want to. Could be surprising you with a night out, could be surprising you with a case of your favorite beer and a back rub.
  9. I’ll make an effort to learn how to play whatever damn video game seems to be popular at the time. And if I suck, I’m sorry.
  10. If you like the same sports team, great! If not, there is nothing wrong with a little healthy competition.
  11. No judgements, just support.
  12. But, I will not hesitate to give you a dose of reality when you need it.
  13. Going to sport events with a girl who actually knows her sports is infinitely more fun. Bonus points for being able to enjoy a beer.
  14. Moms love me. So don’t even worry if your ex was a psycho.
  15. I could drink a bottle of wine with that lady, or go to church with her on a Sunday.
  16. Dads also love me. You got very lucky here.
  17. And hell, you and I can drink a bottle of wine together instead.
  18. I also like puppies and I know where guys stand with that (any guy worth being with at least).
  19. PLEASE go hang out with your guy friends. Yes, I’m serious. No, it’s not a test.
  20. Valentines suddenly becomes waaaaaay less of a joke. Admit it, it’s kinda fun in the corny way.
  21. Annnnnnnnd it’s also my half birthday.
  22. But don’t worry about doubling up. Don’t worry about doing anything at all actually.
  23. Always having someone down to adventure with, whether its kayaking or bridge jumping in the summer, or snowboarding and enjoying the hot tub at a ski lodge in the winter.
  24. Naps are also kind of fun.
  25. Combining friend groups = killer football tailgates.
  26. Actually parties for every sport.
  27. I like the cold and the warm soooooo I could probably go wherever you wanted to.
  28. I have zero problem cleaning the house and making dinner nightly.
  29. But please bring home the wine (compromise is key here, babe).
  30. I like red meat and pasta but you can also expect some serious veggies  or interesting salads.
  31. It doesn’t always have to be a grand gesture for me.
  32. But if you choose to do something big, I won’t complain.
  33. Plan on me decorating the shit out of wherever you live, since guys for whatever reason don’t decorate and girls for whatever reason thrive on it.
  34. I’m down to up my golf game but sometimes I might just come for the beer on the back 9.
  35. Actually please try to help me get better at golf. I’ll be thankful as hell.
  36. But I promise, no lame matching outfits.
  37. Beach bummin it is way more fun when you have someone to share cooler duty with.
  38. Not necessarily me though, guys weekend is cool too. But know when you come back, I’m here with a big ole bottle of champagne, and a few other things.
  40. I have friends too so enjoy not being text bombed while you’re gone.
  41. Your space is yours and I can respect that.
  42. But I need a big chunk of the closet. I’m sorry. (Again, compromise).
  43. Suddenly going to all our friends weddings doesn’t become a daunting task searching for a date.
  44. And I sure won’t stop you from taking advantage of the open bar because I’ll be doing it too.
  45. Any clear liquor will do.
  46. Actually I’m fine with anything. If it’s for free, it’s for me.
  47. Netflix n chill without having to send the awkward texts.
  48. Back rubs are given (but I may hope youll play with my hair in return).
  49. I don’t turn into a lap dog when we’re on the couch. I actually thing it’s adorable when you lay on mine.
  50. Big and fuzzy blanket is a must for that setup. Preferrably with a comedy in the background on a Sunday with crappy weather.
  51. If you have a passport I will harass you to use the hell out of it. Too young to stay stationary.
  52. Or we could also try that new taco place downtown. That’s still kinda far?
  53. It’ll give us way cooler things to reminisce on than sitting at home wondering how we got so lame.
  54. Plus, that’s developing something to be proud of. Creating some meaningful memories is truly a blessing.
  55. I’m not petty and I choose my battles wisely, but they will happen. And it’s okay.
  56. But if I’m in the wrong, I can admit it, and my apologies are usually the Fourth of July because I know my sass can be a bit much sometimes.
  57. Wake up? Snug.
  58. Pass out? Snug.
  59. We can play hooky together (I’m not 5 I swear).
  60. But if you actually are sick, I know a really good soup recipe and I will make it for you by the gallon until you start to feel normal.
  61. Need some alone time? I’ll be on the porch if ya need me.
  62. If your guy friends girlfriends suck, just know you got #blessed.
  63. I mean, I think my parents are pretty awesome..
  64. I will do my best to stay in your parents good graces but for the love of God make sure they don’t call me a “damn yankee”. This is your only warning.
  65. If I cross a line with your parents, or even anyone you care for, tell me. Chances are, I didn’t realize it, as everyone communicates differently, and I will make it better. I want the people that you hold close to love me, maybe even more than they love you.
  66. But I’ll never try to steal your thunder. These are YOUR people to make proud, and you’ve done that thus far.
  67. You don’t have to love my sisters, but I’m pretty sure you will anyway.
  68. If you see my sisters and I exchanging sass, it’s totally normal I promise.
  69. Lol.
  70. I’m clearly good with the dirty jokes. Won’t bother me.
  71. I don’t get bored easily, and I am also not boring.
  72. I have flaws and recognized them a while ago, so know that they are a work in progress if you notice them too.
  73. I’m good with cuddling but like…. when you want to sleep, roll me over. I don’t want to be responsible for giving you a dead arm.
  74. But when you wake up, please roll me on back.
  75. I will try so damn hard to make whatever you want in the kitchen. This is what I get for loving to cook.
  76. If I mess it up, I promise I will be the one to pick up the takeout.
  77. But that’s with anything. I always try my best, but know how to recover if that doesn’t work out.
  78. I’ll try to look cute when I sleep.
  79. But it won’t happen so please just love me for me, even when me is quietly snoring at 4 AM.
  80. Also when I’m/we’re coming home at all hours of the night after painting the town red. Chances are, my makeup has long fell off my face, and my hair should have been in a bun hours before this.
  81. If you want a cat? Let’s get one. Want a puppy? Holy hell yes please.
  82. I’m really good at naming pets but I could probably let you help.
  83. I’ll show you my horrible yearbook photos if you show me yours.
  84. I’m proud of my senior superlative (Most likely to be on reality TV).
  85. I cant wait to see the eye roll that ensues when your mom pulls out your baby pictures. I’m sure they aren’t that bad.
  86. Trust me I had my rough years too.
  87. I am the queen of compromise.
  88. I will love your family dog. Even if he is annoyed by my excitement to see him.
  89. You don’t have to be up my butt 24/7 being cute and showing me affection, but I need it enough to know I matter. Truthfully I’m more worried about keeping you happy than my own happiness.
  90. So please don’t take advantage of it.
  91. COMPROMISE! Lets be super goofballs and then super serious ten minutes later.
  92. I will probably cry sometimes and it probably won’t always be your fault but don’t look at me like I’m crazy because then it will be your fault. But I’ll feel bad about exposing you to that.
  93. I’m all about talking through problems rather than playing the petty game.
  94. And if I make the same mistake again, I’m sorry. Third times the charm?
  95. I’ll visit you at work but not so much that your coworkers worry.
  96. You can visit me at mine too if ya want.
  97. Up for whatever.
  98. Wanna climb to the top of a mountain? Ok. Wanna climb to the other side of the hammock? Also ok.
  99. I’m honest, and maybe to a fault. But I’m an awful liar and I’ll never try to bullshit you.
  100. Even if you steal the blankets more than I do, or forget to put the toilet seat down, or finish the ranch and don’t tell me, I still think you’re the greatest guy on earth, just for putting up with me.


Who doesn’t want that? Or some version of that?

After listing all of that, what could possibly make the awkward morning after a hookup yields sound more appealing?

I don’t think that these sort of “benefits” ever cross peoples mind. We’re a generation focused on immediate gratification; we’re impatient. And that has killlllllllled peoples idea of functioning relationships. Guys think girls are amazing if they make them easy mac. Consequently, girls think guys are great if they have a 3 day snap streak with them. Isn’t all of this worth the extra wait?

Well, for me, it is.


Get Real

2 Nov

I realized I was off to a bad start when I forgot to say “rabbit rabbit” when I woke up this morning. Rather than the first words out of my mouth being a superstitious thing taught to me by a high school english teacher in hopes of ensuring a good month ahead, I said “oh shit”.

I guess it really is true that you don’t realize you need to change things until you hit rock bottom. Now I’m not a drug addict or anything, but I really just need to get my act together. The funny thing is, is that I actually have the majority of my life together. I have a good head on my shoulders, a job offer for when I graduate in six weeks, I have a clean criminal record, like everything should be totally fine.

Stress causes people to do some crazy stuff let me tell ya. The overwhelming feelings that have consumed me during this final semester of college are unreal. Most of it is actually just me putting more pressure on myself. Nothing is more annoying than people telling me that they just want me to do what will make me happy. That’s easier said than done, because most of the time I’m not happy until everyone else is. Of course there are times that I have no problem focusing on what would be best for me, but I just like to put others before myself. It’s been a blessing and a curse, and right now it is so detrimental to my emotional well-being. Trying to schedule job interviews (which would give me a better future) around my current classes (which will allow me to graduate in december) as well as my current job obligations (which allow my bills to be paid now) is absolute insanity. But, I didn’t want to disappoint anyone. I wanted my professors to marvel at my business plans, my employer to be wowed by my sales numbers, and prospective employers to praise all that was on my resume. It’s just not possible. It’s not. To distract myself from being so stressed, I found outlets. I would take naps and avoid all my responsibilities. I would line up 3 dates in a night to keep myself out of the house. I would go out to the bars promising that I wouldn’t be staying out late because I had stuff to do, but last call came and I realized I fudged on my “promise”.

So many people tell you, going into college, that you will graduate and the world will be your oyster. They’re all liars. Maybe 20 or so years ago when the economy was decent, it was possible to have that dream job seconds after being handed your diploma. Now, it’s not only competitive, but the market is significantly smaller. I know so many people who went to class-A universities, and struggled for almost a YEAR to find a job. Admissions counselors don’t tell you that. They make it seem that the very expensive piece of paper you earn in those four years will guarantee you exactly what you want. Seriously, not likely. I have probably applied to over 100 positions, gotten offers, gotten rejections, and I’m still nervous for what the future holds. It has been absolutely back breaking work to get there, but it can be done. However, don’t ride your piece of paper for more than it’s worth. People try to tell me now that there’s nothing wrong with staying at the bank for amother half a year or more, and take that time to focus more on jobs. I know that I would have that option, but it is not something that I’m okay with. Not only can I not survive on a teller’s salary when I’ll be financially independent, but I have goals that far exceed what I would be doing as a teller. I know if I don’t get out and get what I want now, I’ll get sucked in. So I’m not going to let myself. I felt a lot of pressure from the people around me, and they’d all say they knew how stressful it must be to have all these people in my ear telling me what I should do. Well… yeah, and you all are one of them. It’s so hard because I know how much they want to help me, and support me, but you can’t tell someone that they aren’t doing any of that when it is so clear that they are doing all they can.

Aside from the job hunt, it is also exhausting planning for a big change like that. Having to relocate, find an apartment in a good neighborhood with the massive closets that I so badly need, finding someone to sublease my apartment that would fit well with my current roommate…. the list goes on and on. It’s like going to college all over again, except instead of asking about the parties that happen in the area, I’m asking about crime rates. Instead of asking an employer if they’re open new years day, I’m asking if they match 401K’s. It’s weird, having to slowly transition into semi-functioning adult. Like I don’t want to. I want to wear my shacker tees and norts to my hearts content, be okay wearing last night’s makeup to work, take naps between classes, and go out during the week. I also know that being an adult doesn’t mean I give up ANY of these things, in fact I know that I won’t. I know that I’m overreacting about the impending change, but maybe it’s because the change is so major. It’s not like the time I decided to cut ten inches off my hair, or the time that I decided to study abroad. This is a big life change, and I just hope I’m ready for it.

Another way of dealing with stress has been with guys. No sickos, not like that. To all the guys (yes Nathan, I mean you) (you too Kev) who I let in, and then screwed me over, I have two letters for you. I’ll let Miley Cyrus sing the rest. My friend Shane put it to me the best way; “addicts act to escape reality and fear”. I am the way I am with guys because the fear of not being good enough (shoutout to all you shit heads that screwed me over). Every time I let a guy in, I end up being left alone, and really hurt. It’s a pretty tough pill to swallow honestly. Guys that I’d done everything for. I mean seriously the girl who helps you through a DUI charge? A gem. The girl who apologizes with whiskey? Rare and great. Why do I go above and beyond for people who have the power to completely knock me down? I know they will, it’s happened before. So I guess to avoid that kind of hurt, I don’t let guys in. They have almost become disposible to me now, and I really hate that. I don’t want it to be that way, but I guess it’s just the way I protect myself. I know that if I let people in, I wind up hurt. Even though I also know that I get hurt, but in a different way, when I don’t. It’s hard to let the bad guys in, let alone the good ones. And I seem to have a knack for the bad ones, so my apologies to every decent guy I’ve come in contact with but have been too vulnerable (read: HURT) to even attempt leveling with you. I’ve actually noticed the vicious cycle. I dated Nathan, and he hurt me. I met Kevin, but was wrapped up in Nathan, so I ghosted on him. Nathan hurt me again, so I went back to Kevin. I literally don’t know what the hell I was doing with Kevin but I was for sure wrapped up in it, so much so that I met a great guy, Mike, during that time, and ghosted on him because I was more focused on seeing what the hell was going on with Kevin. Kevin ghosted on me, so I went back to Mike. And that’s where I’m at. Except repeat that cycle about a million times. Truthfully I don’t even know where I’m at in that cycle right now, and I really would prefer not to ever be in that cycle again. Guys in general are pretty exhausting. Maybe that’s being I’m picking the crappy ones or something, but who knows. They’re more stressful than my full time job AND my full time student workload combined. Like what? That’s obscene. So, I’m taking a step back. While the attention is nice (because I’ve never met a girl who didn’t like being told that she was beautiful), so is having my sanity, and dignity, and the ability to focus on what’s important. Because honestly, 99% of the guys that are relevant in my life won’t be once I move to Charlotte. They probably won’t even be relevant come Wednesday.

“Nobody said it was easy, it’s such a shame for us to part. Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard. Oh, take me back to the start.”

I’m starting over.


A 360 in 365

29 Jul

So a year ago today/yesterday my expected life path changed entirely. I’m rolling my eyes at myself as I type this. Yes, I was that college girl who anticipated a ring by spring from her “serious” boyfriend because well DUH? We were totally perfect for one another. We loved pitchers of beer and weekends filled with football. We would make grilled cheeses at 3 am because what better drunk food was in our apartments? We’d go to countless dog shelters and swoon over each one and promise we’d adopt one soon. We celebrated birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, and every moment we spent together. For whatever reason, my clearly dilluted mind thought that he was special because of this. Looking back, I realize that these are things that any guy who is “right” for me should do. But, at the same token, that same “right” guy, should do much more than that. But of course, with this massive slap of reality, I was forced to roll with the tide. There was no fighting it this time, which was for the best. Any sort of dragging out of this would, and did, end miserably. Lesson learned. In 365 days, I have made a complete 360 on who I am, how I live my life, and what I believe.

1. The only thing constant is change.

You can’t fight that. Things change literally every day. I wake up and think I want to cut my hair super short and by lunch I’m looking at extensions on Pinterest. Even though Pinterest has become my favorite method of passing time in boring lectures, it has also become the biggest thorn in my side. All these boards for different things caused me to come up with a plan. Not that having a plan is bad, but having one so rigid where any sort of deviation is simply not allowed for, is bad. Even in the business world, where numbers are supposed to be exact, there is always a certain amount of deviation allowed. Embrace that. If you spend your whole life planning, and fighting change, there is no forward momentum. The biggest lessons I’ve learned in life have come through change. You just have to ride it out.

2. Let the past stay there.

A few months post break up, Nathan wanted to make nice, which is whatever. I assumed it to be a nice gesture. Until it started messing with my head. I suddenly didn’t know if i should keep moving forward (right) or let him back in (wrong). After essentialy telling the nicest guy in my life at the time to leave me alone so I could figure things out with Nathan first, I realized the horrible choice I had made. Things ended for a reason. There was no point in letting what happened four months ago ruin the streak I was on. Nothing behind you is worth ruining what is in front of you.

3. Not everyone will hurt you, but some people will. Not everyone will lie to you, but some people will.

After break ups, I feel like most girls feel so vulnerable. The person you trusted most lied to you. The person you trusted with your most fragile pieces shattered them. After something like that, it’s only natural to keep yourself guarded. The fact of the matter is that you can’t do that forever. I found myself shutting people out after I could feel myself giving a piece of myself to them, only because I couldn’t be sure that I’d ever get that piece back. After this year, I’ve learned to suck it up. The only way to feel love again is to give it. You can’t expect someone to open up to you if you can’t give them the same respect in return.

4. Patience is key.

Seriously, why is everyone in such a rush to do things? I haven’t even graduated yet and people are asking what I want to do after graduation. I’ve had people tell me that it’s okay to adopt as a single woman. Seriously? I’m 20!!!! Because I’m single now does not mean I’ll be single forever… crazy people. Patience not only with relationships, but everything. I’ve been trying to teach myself patience, and I will say I’m getting better, but it comes with challenges. Everything happens when it’s supposed to, which is hard for someone who likes to know the next step to understand. But, Rome wasn’t built in a day.

5. There is nothing wrong with you.

I notice a lot of girls going through breakups suffer some serious self esteem issues afterwards, which is truly sad. Because things didn’t work with one guy, it doesn’t mean you have some sort of defect that makes you undateable. Seriously, you have to kiss some frogs before meeting the prince, no matter how cliche that is.

6. Get lost.

Don’t tell that to boys…. do it yourself. I mean this in every sense of the word. I learned a lot about myself when I got lost in Barcelona alone. It’s adventure, fun, maybe a little scary, but worth it. I learned a lot about myself when my “plan” went up in flames. The more you don’t know, the more you keep on learning.

7. Just go out there and LIVE.

Do what you want while you can. While dating Nathan, I put off studying abroad for fear of the type of strain it would put on the relationship…… cue the shaking heads. Trust me, I’m not proud to admit that. But, it was a choice I had to live with… or so I thought. After the break up, I made the choice to study abroad in Barcelona. I can honestly say that being able to focus on me, and only me, gave me the courage to do that. It was hands down one of the best experiences I have had in my life so far. In order to get these sort of incredible experiences, you have to take a chance. Start small, with trying a new wine or something. Before you know it, you’ll be traveling the world and going skydiving!

8. Some call it selfish, I call it looking out for yourself. 

At the end of the day, you need to look out for #1 while you still can. Eventually, the days will come where you are married with a family that has mortgages, car payments, dance practices and football games to take care of. Focus on you while you only have yourself to focus on. I consider myself to be a very generous person; always putting others before myself. That kind of trait isn’t a problem until you realize that you have put yourself dead last. I tell everyone to take this single time to focus on yourself, but people struggle with that. It’s natural, after caring for someone else for so long, to not know how to live without taking care of others. I promise you, doing things for you is super fun, and super rewarding. You will not regret it.

9. Get the free drinks while you can.

Much like looking out for yourself, take the time to be young and flirty and fun. Accept the free drinks from the bar (as long as you watch them make them and there are no sketchy clouds in the drink). Smile if someone compliments you in line at Starbucks. There will come a day where your husband will surprise you with a 12-er after work. Not that there’s anything wrong with that (in fact, I look forward to that), but the thrill of the attention is nice while you can get it. Be single. Be fun. Don’t be a hooch.

10. Be thankful.

Sometimes, when a change happens, it becomes so easy to harp on the negative that comes from it. In reality, you can turn any happening into a positive. It isn’t easy, and it takes a lot of work. When you’re left what feels like “alone”, you can forget what is all around you. I took this time to get closer with my family, and especially my sisters. I got more involved in my sorority. I took on more jobs. I got out of debt. I am healthy. Most importantly, I am happy. It’s easy to forget what you have when you lose something. But thats the thing; you’ve lost something, not everything.

In the end, I have so much that I could punch Nathan for. But dwelling on the negative only makes me ugly inside, so instead I will thank him. So, Nathan, thank you. Thank you for the opportunity to live the life I deserve. Thank you for showing me what I am worth. Thank you, and your family, for showing me so many beautiful parts of the South. Thank you for making me realize all these amazing things. Thank you for the memories. But most importantly, thank you for the future that leaving you has made possible.



12 Jun

It’s been another hiatus since my last post. I didn’t realize how long it had been until I called my grandmother the other day. She asked why I hadn’t blogged in a while. Honestly, I just haven’t had that much to say. And what I wanted to say, I wasn’t sure how to word. I notice a lot of my inspiration has come from struggle and hardships and sadness. While those are all excellent talking points, I don’t feel like this is the space to write in extreme detail all of the wonderful things that have happened because this is a BLOG, not a BRAG. That’s not to say that the past few weeks haven’t posed their own struggles, but they just weren’t really what I was used to typing about. I am semi-professional at writing about long distance, break ups, come backs, to name a few.

I was recently diagnosed with GAD (general anxiety disorder) and panic disorder. When I heard those words come out of the doctors mouth I was shocked. I haven’t had any especialy pivotal moments in my life where everything changes. I have been incredibly blessed from day one. My parents are happily married, and I have great relationships with my family and friends alike. I have three jobs, attend a great school, and am in one of the strongest sisterhoods in the nation. So what the hell could this quack possibly mean? Isn’t this sort of stuff for really unfortunate people who have experienced far more traumatic things than myself? What could I possibly have to be stressed about? Of course while analyzing myself and trying to figure this all out, I knew the doctor wasn’t wrong. I had been struggling since my freshman year, but had always brushed it off and told myself it was just a phase. Three years later, I realized that it wasn’t a phase, and I needed to do something. When it started getting in the way of my social life, work, and school, that was kind of the turning point for me. I walked into that office with my norts and oversized sorority shirt and looked around. Some of these kids looked like they needed help. What was I doing here? There’s nothing wrong with me. There couldn’t be.

Turns out, there was. Not that anxiety is the absolute worst thing to be diagnosed with, but it certainly isn’t the best. What’s nice about going to the doctor and being told that you have strep throat is that you’re prescribed some antibiotics and lots of rest, and a few days later, the illness subsides. With anxiety, there is no magic pill. There is no miracle treatment. It is mentally exhausting, as well as physically. It’s a constant game with yourself, of trying to turn off your brain. I regret taking for granted the days where my thoughts weren’t completely consumed with things. Some things require thought, and others are completely irrelevant. I’ll start thinking about one thing, and it’ll ripple effect and before I know it, an hour has passed and I am worried about 187 things where only 93 of them realllllllly matter.

So I sat on the doctors’ diagnosis. I went home, and felt like a defect. Like I said, no real traumatic experiences have occurred in my life thus far, and I am super grateful for that. So the thought of telling ANYONE that I had anxiety was almost too much because why would I? It was embarrassing at first. My family is like.. really normal. Because of that, I saw this diagnosis as the end of the world, like a blemish on the family portrait.

So I didn’t tell my parents for a few weeks. After seeking counseling and seeing a doctor regularly, and once I got more of a handle on the diagnosis, I decided I would call my dad.

My dad is literally my best friend. I am not joking when I say that I call him at least once a day. Sometimes I have to call him because I have a question about my car, or what a good future career would be, or what I should invest my 401K in, or because I ran out of money, or or or or or…. everything and everything. And no matter how insignificant my phone calls are, he always answers with the same “Hey Ab!” that makes me feel immensely better. So calling him to tell him that his oldest daughter was suffering something she couldn’t talk her way out of was bound to be a doozy.

We talked for over an hour. We hashed out every detail of why I was stressed and what would consume my thoughts most and why they made me feel so out of control. After we got off the phone, he sent me this, as a recap that I could conveniently screenshot and tell the world about:

“Abby, I get it. A couple of things I can offer from experience: Your future is fine but you can’t expect great things immediately. They will come because you have an excellent work ethic and you are smart. That is something you shouldn’t have to worry about as long as you understand that there is no stress if you are not company president by the time you’re 25. You have a great education, a new car, a full wardrobe, and tons of things most kids don’t start out with. But you need to take stock of what you have and be happy with that. Don’t always look for what else you can get. That helps with the money part, because for the most part you shouldn’t have to buy anything at all besides the essentials like groceries and fun. I think that this is so important that this is something you have struggled with. Not because I like to see you struggle by any means, it is the hardest thing to watch as a parent. Remember that you are more than whatever inner demons you face, or your exam grades, or your jeans that are “so last season”. I have learned this myself recently because sometimes you have so much going on that it takes away from your enjoyment of life. You get overwhelmed. So, you seek out new things. And now I’m more strict in that because I just don’t have the time for all of this stuff, and now realize I was spending all my time trying for things I wouldn’t have time for anyway. Never worry about looking stupid in public, because I’m pretty sure everyone feels that way one time or another. I can relate to that. Those damn graduation speeches would consume me for weeks because I knew I lived in Ware and people expected things from me. My speeches had to be perfect or I thought people would talk about me and what a disappointment I was. Boy did that suck. But this isn’t about me. It’s about you, and how you’re going to live with this.”

Is it me or do dad’s always know just what to say? I can’t really ever say he was wrong (even though sometimes it would be much easier than admitting he was right).

One of my biggest worries right now is financial security. For the last 20 or so years, I have been lucky enough to live (mostly) on my parent’s dime. They have taken care of me, clothed me, fed me, paid for my education, living expenses, among other things like the random Lilly Pulitzer dresses I just couldn’t leave the store without. I’ve been extremely lucky to have parents who make sure that I never have to go without. However, with my impending graduation (gag) I know that this is on it’s way out. Lets face it, without them, I have Moet Chandon taste on a PBR budget. That doesn’t play. So while I worry about “holy shit I can’t keep this lifestyle up post grad”, I forget how damn good I have it. I will graduate with no student loan debt, no car payments, just the expectation that I get into a good grad school program and work on moving up the corporate ladder. Yeah, I’ll have to learn how to budget (because right now I have no damn idea how to), pay attention to my 401K, and not buy so much unneccesary shit (ie clothes). I think all college kids should mentally prepare for the struggle. Some are living it now, and some might be unfortunate enough to always live on daddy’s dime. And yeah, it’ll be the struggle for a little, but here’s hoping that degree you paid so much for pays off and gets you a decent paying job sooner than later.


A Rebirth

1 Apr

Obviously I’ve been super slack in the new year as far as blogging goes. Honestly, it’s been the last thing on my mind lately. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been a little voice in the back like “C’mon Abs, hop to it!” but I just was like ehhhhhh nah I’ll do it later. So, technically, it is later. So let’s do this thing.

Similarly to my last binge post, I’ve had a list forming in my phone of stuff to write about. It’s getting a little too long for my liking. Okay. Here we go.

Let’s start with excuses. They only work until you turn into the boy who cried wolf. I’ll leave it at that.

Apparently at some point of my list formation I wrote this:

“Every day I’ll have something new to say to him. How much I hate him or miss him or that I regret acting a certain way, or telling him what he did wrong or how I disagree or reminisce and none of it would do any good because he is just as stubborn as I, if not more, and it has far surpassed a lost cause”

What a sap. I’m blessing my own heart for that one. But, that little quote brought me back to this conversation I had with Lindsey a while back. (I creepily screenshot it because I knew I’d want to use it in a blog post eventually…oooops).


“I seriously need to cut the shit with Nathan oh my good lord”


“I texted him to apologize, just because I was so out of line a few days ago. I forget what we were even talking about but of course my passive aggression got the best of me and I said something along the lines of “Go be happy go have fun with Ella, lord knows you don’t deserve it.” Basically it was super rude and uncalled for. So I apologized but like… I told him not to respond. So what does he do? Freaking respond.”

“Oh lord Abby…Well what did he respond with? Well wait actually.. no. The thing is. You don’t want to be his friend. So don’t talk to him. I mean even I’m still waiting for him to change his mind, so I can’t imagine being in your shoes”

“Which is exactly why I asked him not to reply like I just wanted to apologize and leave it at that. Not everything needs to be discussed anymore, I just want to cut ties cleanly. And even if he would change his mind, it wouldnt matter, because I truly wouldn’t want him to. Please, I don’t need that kind of baggage in my life now or ever.”

“Honestly.. I don’t know how he feels. Like does he want this over forever and ever amen or was it just bad timing?”

“I think if he wanted anything he would have changed his mind by now honestly. I mean the timing was completely wrong. The whole thing was wrong. Even if I had met him 2-3 years after I did, it wouldn’t have changed the kind of person he really was. Provided then I wouldn’t have been burdened by his infidelities or DUI or other unsavory habits. It’s just more hard to cope with becase I thought I met the right person but I was seriously mistaken, and that’s a tough pill to swallow. Like wow is my perception that off?”

“You probably would have met someone else, and he certainly wouldnt have had that kind of past, at least i hope not. Cause well, why bother? I just think that timing being wrong is an awful excuse on his part, like after all he did would the honesty have been that difficult? I mean I wanted to kiss a lot more people, and flirt more, and just not give a damn, but none of that would have been worth giving up Adam. It’s not that the timing was wrong, it’s just that he was not right. At all. I would rather lose out on all that now, than him later. It’s easier said than done, but self control goes a long way. However Abby, you truly do deserve better than Nathan. In every sense. So maybe he thinks the timing was wrong, but you should not believe that. Because timing is never right.”

“I mean I know that for sure. I’m not trying to be cocky or anything but, I completely do. I don’t deserve the baggage he comes with. So it’s kinda stupid that something so irrelevant now has any sort of hold on me.”

“It’s not even about baggage, becase getting through someone’s baggage can make you love them more, and them love you more. It’s about how they treat you, how you guys get through all of that together. I don’t care if Nathan had a drug oopsie, everyone makes mistakes. People drive drunk all the time and don’t get caught. He isn’t much different than the rest of the world in that sense. But, when he felt the relationship falling apart, he didn’t communicate that. He’s not a bad person, but he is a bad lover. It’s the fact that he didn’t respect you enough to tel you the truth after he cheated, or before he cheated, or it not being a mistake. If it happened once, and he realized what he had, and never did it again, that would be one thing. But for it to happen more than once? That’s another. So stop apologizing to him for being angry and mean. But also, don’t hold against his errors (minus the cheating) against him. That only makes it harder for him, and he made those choices.”

“I guess I’m only trying to even the score. Which is super petty and a dumb excuse.”

“Abby, what he did and went through is punishment enough, and a very hard rut to get out of.”

“I guess I’m just trying to push him in the right direction still, or what I think it is.”

“So you need to tell him that. He may have hurt you more than anyone before, and you won’t get over that right away, but you’ll always want what’s best for him. Love is a dangerous thing. You opened yourself up to him entirely, and he let you down. And you don’t get why, and chances are you never will, and you will always think about him. You just have to stop trying so hard to hate him”


So, I don’t hate him. I don’t really hate anyone right now. Harboring any and all hate was just emotionally exhausting, and that energy could have been spent a million better ways. Honestly, in the past few months I’ve had pleeeeenty of time to reflect over and over again and finally figure out how the hell to conduct myself and what I want to do and how I want to feel. And I don’t want to feel the way he made me feel ever again. So, I’m not going to. I’m not going to feel sorry for myself, or angry over something I couldn’t control, or spiteful GOD I hated how spiteful this all made me. So, I choose to not be any of those things anymore. Cutting those ties was the best thing I could have ever done for myself. I really enjoyed caring for another person for two years, but at this point I deserve to be a little selfish and look out for number one. I realize this happened literally ages ago but again, this little note in my phone started back in december so let’s just call this one final and move along.

After the break up, every one told me that I would meet someone new; someone who will show me that I deserve so much more, and that it’ll make sense that things didnt work out with Nathan. I’m super glad to say I’ve met that person.


Throughout the past eight months (good lord does time fly by) I have shown myself what I’m capable of. I’m gonna get all corny and mushy real quick, but it’s true. And if I needed to hear some of these things to realize them, I’m sure there are plenty of people in the same kinda boat. Despite how lost I felt at first, I proved to be stronger than I ever thought I could be. Like, to overcome something that once seemed so daunting, and come out with an incredible new mindset, is pretty amazing. I’ve always been the eternal optimist…. for everyone else. I was everyone elses biggest cheerleader, but who was mine? Doesn’t matter anymore, that’s me. And of course my family and friends and stuff, but it was time for me to be my own biggest fan. There’s some corny saying like “How can anyone love you unless you love yourself first” or something to that effect. I’m not saying I was unlovable before, because I mean let’s face it I’m not THAT awful, but confidence is a powerful tool. I’ve learned that a lot lately. I walk tall (which is hard because I’m five foot two on a good day) with a smile and an air of confidence. Not a turned up nose, or not a serious case of RBF, a smile. A geniune one. And my dad didn’t even have to pay me $5 this time.*

*This actually happened. A family vacation in Las Vegas when I was 10. My dad told me that my smile looked fake and for whatever reason I couldn’t make a real looking smile (to his standard). Eventually, he was like “I’ll give you $5 to smile” so i grinned real big when i heard ‘dollars’ and BOOM a photo was snapped in front of the Venetian water show.

A few weeks ago at the bank, my manager and I had a heart to hear about how hard it is to get over someone. She thought she met the love of her life in college, and when he broke her heart, she never thought that she would never find that again. He always had some kind of a hold on her. She met her husband a few years later, meanwhile the other man still had some sort of spot on her mind. But, she fought that. She had to choose (DUH), and let’s just say it wasn’t the heartbreaker. The funny part is, when she met her now-husband, she hated him. He bothered her to the core, and used to laugh at the idea of them being together. Welp….. look where that wound up. So maybe you will hate the next one at first, but then again, maybe you’ll marry them. Just goes to show you welcome surprises, keep an open mind, all that good stuff.

And now, it’s the end of March, and I have some great news. I, Abigail Desjardins, am finally completely happy. On my own. There’s no catch. No reason for my happiness other than just being where I am today. Everything else is just a bonus. I’m not really sure how it happened, but I just know I woke up one day and was just excited about life. I was happy for no reason. My coworkers were even a little thrown off by it. I mean, I’m incredibly blessed. It’s about time I start being excited and thankful for it. Now if y’all will excuse me, I have an apartment-warming gift to craft!

Cheers and a big ole smile,